Procession Jokes
84 procession jokes and hilarious procession puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about procession that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Procession Short Jokes
Short procession jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The procession humour may include short parade jokes also.
- Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
- To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
- WARNING: There's an email going round... ...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.
If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.
It's spam! - My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?" I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"
- My wife asked me, Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change? I said, Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.
- To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart. The process is painstaking.
- I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house. It's a process of illumination.
- How do you kill a French vampire? You have to stab him/her with a baguette.
It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking. - My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend. But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.
- Explaining a Joke is like Dissecting a Frog Everyone understands it better, but you killed it in the Process.
Share These Procession Jokes With Friends
Procession One Liners
Which procession one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with procession? I can suggest the ones about commotion and congregation.
- What do you call the process of becoming an honorary Asian? Orientation.
- Why does fruit dislike being preserved? The process is jarring.
- Why did ChatGPT refuse to go on a date? Because it was already too busy processing data!
- What did bugs bunny save his word processing as? Whats up.doc
- I finally got my seat on United! The whole process was such a drag
- Why was the ChatGPT always so tired? Because it was constantly processing information.
- How does ChatGPT order food? It uses natural language processing to place its order.
- I just killed a vampire with a baguette the process was painstaking.
- Some bozo tried to tell me processed meat was bad for me. I said, "Pfft, that's baloney."
- How do you pass a biology test on excretion? Process of elimination.
- What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache
- Divorce is a psychological process One is psycho, the other is logical
- My daughters pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious.
- What do you call the electronic process of making a sandwich? A sub routine.
- Why do the leaves turn red at the same time each year? Because the process is autumnated.
Funeral Procession Jokes
Here is a list of funny funeral procession jokes and even better funeral procession puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding... My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a f**... procession.
- One Last Humiliation: The CIA Just Bungled An Attempt To Drop A Piano On Fidel Castro's f**... Procession Luckily, It only cost them a grand.
- What do you call a f**... procession for a journalist? A dead line.
- I recently got hit by a car in a f**... procession... It still hearse!
Hilarious Fun Procession Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about procession you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assembly line jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make procession pranks.
Guy walks into a f**... home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Frank and Harry are at their golf club...
As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
A Fishing Tale
On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.
Up comes an American.
'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'
'What for?' asks the fisherman.
'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.
The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.
Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.
And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'
The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.
'But that's what I'm doing now.'
A Very Nice Golfer
There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a f**... procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.
The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
A man and his boss are playing golf...
one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."
A man sees a f**... procession...
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
A funny joke indeed
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**...."
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...
They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
**p**...**
He became a m**... pad.
Oldie but a Goodie
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and f**... procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a f**... procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
Proctologist
A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an e**...."
The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an e**...."
The doctor says, "I wasn't talking about *you*."
An Englishman went on a business trip to Japan...
When he got there, he stayed in a nice hotel and decided to call a prostitution service. Not knowing a single word of Japanese, it was he struggled with the ordering process.
When the girl finally arrived, they stripped down and get down to business... They were having a blast and the girl kept screaming **"Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana..!!"** Deciding that it was a sign that the girl was pleasantly satisfied, he thought nothing of it and continued all night long.
The next morning, the Englishman went and have a round of golf with his Japanese business partner. His business partner swung first.... **BAM!** **Hole in one!**
"Nice shot my friend, machigatta ana..." said the Englishman
Looking puzzled, his business partner replied
"That shot was perfect... but what do you mean 'wrong hole'?"
Two men are playing golf near a country road...
When they see a f**... procession go by. One of them stops playing, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The other says "thats very decent of you, to stop playing and pay your respects." The first one responds "Well I'd think so; we were married for 52 years."
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'
I have always avoided i**... narcotics but, now that I've found out that they actually reverse the aging process, I'm going to give them a go.
A guy goes into a bar...
He sits and ask for 2 beers. After he finished them, he take something in his pocket, look at it, put it back and ask for 2 more beers. After he finished them, he did the same process and ask for 2 more beers.
After he did it 4 more times, the bartender intrigued ask the guy what's in his pocket.
- Ohh its just a picture of my wive! When i'm drunk enough to find her attractive I know it's time to go home.
Two men are fishing from a bridge...
When one man notices a f**... procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."
Two guys are playing golf...
Two elderly gentlemen come to a par 3 hole. One of them tees up, starts to swing, but notices a f**... procession passing by. He stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and bows to the procession. After it passes, he puts on his hat and resumes his swing. The other man says to him, "Wow, that was really gentlemanly of you, paying your respects like that!" As he swings, he replies, "Well, she was my wife for 25 years..."
A ghost was arrested
And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"
The ghost smiles and says "possession".
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long f**... procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car
The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.
Guy: I would like to buy a car.
Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.
Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?
Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, it´s 10 years from now?
Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Credit goes to Ronald Reagan
What's the process of applying for a job at h**...?
They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a f**... procession go by.
He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."
1st guy replies, "Well, you know. We were married for 20 years."
A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"
The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.
One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.
"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to be on the Polish or Russian side of the border" says the officel.
"Polish" the farmer answers without hesitation.
"And why is that if I may ask?"
"Cause Ruskies have very harsh winters."
Two guys are playing golf.
They're near a road.
One of the guys put a tee in the ground put his golfbal on it and takes his club.
He looks at his ball, begins to lift his club to make a swing when a f**... procession passes on the road.
The guy immediately stops what he's doing and takes a minute of silence untill the f**... procession has gone.
The other one is impressed and says to the guy:
"d**... that's some mark of respect you just showed there".
And the guy replies.
"That's normal. we were maried for 10 years after all."
Sorry for my english
Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...
...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
What's it called when a girl thinks about becoming a p**...?
A Thot process.
I got my 6 year old so good and she actually understood it. I cracked myself up in the process
I was holding my daughter in the living room and she saw the jewelry making kit she got for Christmas. She asked me to make her a necklace.
So I immediately dropped her.
She held on to me and dangled with her arms around my neck.
"There, you're a necklace."
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a f**... procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
a Trumper dies and goes to heaven.
After getting processed in by St.Peter he goes to find God. He finds God in the garden listening to the birds.
M: "Can I ask you something?"
G: "Anything my child"
M: "Who was the rightful victor of the 2020 US election?"
G: "Joe Biden won fair and square my child"
M: "This goes higher up than I thought."
God the Engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
Why did the tomato turn red?
Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greenish color to a bright red hue, indicating that it is now fully ripe and ready to be eaten. So, to answer your question, the tomato turned red due to a complex biological process involving the breakdown of chlorophyll and the activation of lycopene, which is a natural pigment found in the fruit.
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks.
