The Best 39 Proceed Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Proceed jokes. There are some proceed wend jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these proceed shrug puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Proceed Jokes and Puns

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor

How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?

Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....

Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39

When your phone is wet, put it in a bag of rice

...the rice will attract Asians, and they will proceed to fix your phone.

Popular German "joke" in Belgium

Ask a german guy:

Q: Haben sie etwas verloren? (Did you lose something?)
A: "confused" Nein. (No)
Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!)

Proceed to buy him a drink :)

Proceed joke, Popular German "joke" in Belgium

I am going to major in Women's Studies when I go to college...

...so one day I can ask "Do you want fries with that?" then proceed to compain that my degree matters.

A congressional aide asks an Alabama congressman how he wants to proceed with the abortion bill

the congressman responds ,"Shhh... I said I would pay it!"


Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.

How to get a millionaire husband

marry a billionaire man, then proceed to divorce him.

Proceed joke, How to get a millionaire husband

Q: How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

A: You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

The Evening News

The evening news is the only place where they say "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

I am 57 seconds older than my twin.

So when I come out of the bathroom, I tell him: "When I was your age ..." and proceed to describe the majestic business I have just finished.

You can explore proceed valuables reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean proceed divorce proceedings dad jokes. There are also proceed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The Cure for the Common Cold

It's called "The Whiskey and a Hat Trick"

All you need is a bottle of whiskey and a hat.

First, sit on your bed. Place the hat at the foot of the bed. Proceed to drink whiskey until you see two hats, then go to sleep.

If you do this your cold will be gone in just 7 days.

If you don't, it'll last a whole week.

A girl is on a date at the town fair with a good looking guy.

He asks what do you want to do first. She replies "Get weighed". He says OK and they proceed to go to the scale. When they're done, he says "What do you want to do next?" She says "Get weighed". Once again she hops on the scale. Getting frustrated, the guy says one more time "What do you want to do next?" She replied "Get weighed" again. At this, the guy skips the rest of the fair and drops the girl off at her house. Her mom comes out and says "How was your date?" The girl replies "Wousy".

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.

-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.

Leviticus

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."

The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?" Every hand went up.

Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Proceed joke, Leviticus

How to go through intersection in a tank

1) Approach intersection

2) Check if there is another tank coming

3) Proceed

In group projects, they call me the task manager

I **control** the group, **shift** the blame, then proceed to **escape**

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa


A man goes to see his accountant

A man goes to see his accountant about some help filing his taxes.

The accountant: okay I'll just need some information. What do you do for a living?

The man: I'm a dentist.

A: okay, and are you married?

M: yes, i am!

A: okay, and what does your wife do for a living?

M: well, it's sorta hard to say...

A: okay, but i need this information to proceed. What does she do?

M: She sells seashells down by the seashore!!

A guy takes a girl back to his parents house to have sex...

The only problem is, he shares a bunk-bed with his younger brother. Reluctantly, they decide to proceed -- but he gives her the code words "lettuce" for faster, and "tomato" for slower.

As the two get into it, the boy hears "lettuce! tomato! lettuce! tomato!" coming from the top bunk. He yells out, "Guys! Stop making sandwiches, the mayo is getting all over me!"

"Show me your's and I'll show you mine"... She proceed's to take off her clothes...

...I proceed to show her my WW2 cr38 anti-personnel mine.

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

No one here needs to read a rant. It's just been difficult these past few hours. I don't know how to proceed.

Alexa. Play Rick Roll.

A little boy asks his father who invests in bitcoin for one bitcoin as his birthday gift. His father is surprised: What? You want 19300 dollars? 17000 is not a small number! What do you need 13000 bucks for? Your birthday gift…hmmm Okay, here is 9800 dollars for you, proceed with caution, Okay?

Joke is funny, proceed with caution!

Funny Pick-up line: Do you work at Subway? Cuz you just gave me a 'footlong'.

Everyone else saying "haven't seen you since last year" on January 1st

Meanwhile i say "see you next year" on January 1st and proceed to hide in my room

What's common between a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife ?

Both of them proceed in safe mode.

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom...

After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"

"About three knots," says the hooker.

"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"

And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....

He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed to tie her to the bedposts. Once secure, the husband strips naked, climbs on top of his seizing wife and yells, "Cut'er loose!"

Ok, this one is a bit tasteless. So proceed with caution.

Water.

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

You're walking along the Oregon trail

You're walking along the Oregon trail when you happen upon a young man. You ask him his name to which he replies Terry. You then proceed to tell him Terry? Isn't that a girls name? Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin Terry

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you'll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

A minister told his congregation:

"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it ..." They go on and have sex and then afterward she says, "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist." "Oh? How can you tell?" he asks. "Well, I didn't feel a thing..."

Two blonde builders were working on a house.

One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

This got me

A preacher says to his congregation Next week I will talk about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I'd like all of you to read Mark 17.

The next Sunday, the preacher asks who'd read it, with every hand going up. He smiles and says Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the proceed investigate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working proceed end piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes