Comical & Quirky Procedure Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Whats the name of the procedure to turn a woman into a man?
A strapadictomy
What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
An old man at the doctors office...
His daughter took him to a doctor for a check up. During the check up - the doctor asks the old man about his visits to the toilet at night, and he replies: "I wake up, walk to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me". Confused, the doctor finishes his procedure and tells the old mans daughter about the whole "God-light" thing. To which she replies: "Oh no! He's been using the fridge again!"
So I had a colonoscopy today...
While my doctor was preparing me for the examination he said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an e**..."
"I haven't got an e**...," I said.
"No, but I have." he replied.
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My doctor told me I need to stop m**....
He said it was really distracting and that he couldn't finish the procedure.
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
A guy goes in for a colonoscopy...
...and when things are well under way, the doctor says, "It's normal at this part of the procedure to experience and e**...."
The guy says, "But, doctor, I don't have an e**...."
The doctor says, "I wasn't talking about *you*.
A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
Why did the pet proctologist fear his first feline procedure?
Because wether he succeeded or failed, he knew he'd end up with a cat-a**...-trophy on his hands.
You can explore procedure surgical reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean procedure anesthesia dad jokes. There are also procedure puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why do circumcised men lack Jedi brethren?
The procedure removes their force-kin.
What do you do if you step on a landmine?
Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
What do you call the surgical procedure for a female to male s**... change?
An Addadicktome.
I felt super exhausted after giving blood.
It's such a draining procedure.
A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam.
Midway through, the doctor says, "Don't worry, sir. It's perfectly normal to get an e**... during this procedure."
The man says, "What are you talking about doc? I'm not hard."
"I wasn't talking about you."
A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity.
When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill."
I just had hip replacement surgery
It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
When Yoshi gets sick from eating too many goombas, what procedure should Dr. Mario conduct?
A Nintendoscopy!
Did you hear about the experimental procedure used at the Mayo Clinic recently?
The surgeons cut off a man's entire left side, so now he's alright.
Did anyone else hear about the baby who was born recently, without eyelids? The doctors actually used his f**... to make a pair of lids for him.
It was an experimental procedure, and it worked great!.... except now he's all c**...-eyed.
Landmine
A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him:
-Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine?
-Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.
How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?
They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure
My son was born without eyelids...
The Dr suggested a new procedure using his f**... after circumcision to replace his missing lids. The only possible complication was that he would be a little c**...-eyed.
Guy goes to the doctor for a prostate exam
Doctor warns him, "It is normal to get an e**... while I perform this procedure, so don't be alarmed".
After the doctor is all finished the guy says, "Doc, I never got an e**..., I didn't even feel like I was going to get one".
The doctor smiles and says, "Oh, not you silly".
Abortion jokes are a lot like the procedure itself.
If you half-a**... it then it will come out mangled.
So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his f**...
He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.
How is a vote for Hillary Clinton like a lobotomy?
One means your brain will never function fully and one is a medical procedure.
Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?
Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
What do you call the procedure that is done when a woman wants to become a man?
An Adadictomy
An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.
He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.
**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."
**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."
(The next day, after the procedure...)
**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."
**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"
It's isn't rocket science
A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo.
He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist.
The dentist says, reassuringly:
"Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
No Bedside Manner
I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure, the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … Heck, he continued, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.
A kid was born without eyelids.
Don't worry the doctor assured the father.
When we circumcise him we will use the skin to make him new eyelids. After the procedure the father is with the doctor. Well what do you think of the procedure? asks the doctor. I don't know? Does he look a little cockeyed to you?
A man is going into hand surgery...
He asks his doctor, "Will I be able to play the piano after the procedure?"
"Sure," his doctor replies.
"Good," says the man. "I've always wanted to be able to play."
Today I decided to donate blood...
After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.
I've invented a one step procedure that lets you use human f**... just like modeling modeling clay!
::pinches nose::
There was a boy born without any eyelids
And it caused him terrible discomfort and to make matters worse, the doctors feared he would inevitably go blind one day.
Then one doctor came up with an ingenious solution. He planned to circumcise the boy and use his f**... to make new eyelids for him.
After a lengthy procedure, the surgery was a success and now the boy has two fully functioning eyelids.
The doctor says the boy is doing fine, he's just a little c**...-eyed
I went through a grueling and expensive procedure yesterday, having my spine and BOTH t**... removed
Still, the wedding presents were amazing
What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed?
A lobotany
What does an ophthalmologist do if he has to perform surgery, but doesn't remember how to do the procedure?
He has to Improve eyes....
Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.
It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
People who have undergone a heart transplant are generally quite indecisive after the procedure.
They will always have a change of heart.
Man goes to get a prostate exam.
As the man is bent over during the exam, the doctor says "you know, there's no need to feel embarrassed, it's pretty common to get an e**... procedure."
The man says "I don't have an e**...!"
The doctor whispers, "I do!".
"It's perfectly normal to get an e**... during this procedure."
... Said the doctor who was giving a physical.
"But I don't have one." Said the patient.
"I was talking about myself."
My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"
God bless his soul
When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...
I see trees of green, and red roses too.
A man is talking to his doctor before a vasectomy...
The man asks "So, after the procedure, s**... will feel the same?"
The doctor responds, "I can assure you there will be no vas deferens."
What is the procedure when a sheep gets abducted?
The police send out a LAMBer alert
A cheapskate goes to have his wisdom teeth removed. The dentist said the procedure would cost $100.
The cheapskate replies, "I'll give you $50 and just loosen it."
What's an English majors favorite surgical procedure?
A semicolon-oscopy
What's the medical term for a trans / s**... change procedure?
Adadictomy.
Did you hear that they are renaming the female s**... change procedure??
The new name will be...........Adadictomy!!
What do you call a F2M surgical procedure?
An addadicktome.
Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid?
When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.
The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though...
My vasectomy was supposed to change everything.
I haven't noticed a vas deferens after the procedure.
My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn't been the same since his lost his favorite ball
I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.
What do you call the procedure to change a woman into a man
An addadiktomi
A r**... couple, both bona fide r**..., had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Going to hospital
As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.
"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."
What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?
A cardiovirgin
BREAKING NEWS: The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, is brain-dead following an invasive medical procedure.
Officials praise the regime for finding common grounds with the US.
Circumcision is a painful procedure to inflict on a newborn.
After I was circumcised I couldn't walk for a year.
A lawyer undergoes surgery
While undergoing surgery, a lawyer has a vision of God by his bedside.
"Am I going to die?" Asked the Lawyer.
"No my son," replied God, "You have another 30 years to live."
Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and the lawyer died shortly after the procedure.
The lawyer sees God again.
"I thought you said I have 30 years!" He cries.
"That is correct my son," replies God, "I've simply added up your billable hours."
What medical procedure involves transgender gang members uniting as one?
A blood transfusion
A woman walks into a dry cleaners....
She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."
He says, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."
A blind man is being interviewed about an experimental procedure to restore his sight
A reporter asks him what he thinks will happen.
The blind man responds, I don't know, I guess I'll see.
A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.
The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an e**... again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."
An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the c**... doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The c**... failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the c**... still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that g**... truck won't be there either."
Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?
Circumcision.
Medical science has come a long way.
There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the f**... from new born males and create eyelids for those born without them. The procedure has been highly successful, although the children do look a little cockeyed.
A Psychic's advice
A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!
She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, b**... job, nose job and looked amazing!
After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died.
Upon arriving at heaven she cried and cried! "I was supposed to have 40 more years!"
God said "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.
Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...
But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.
TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides.
His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."
A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"
The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"
The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
"I think," says the surgeon gently, "this means your cataract operation was a success."
