Procedure Jokes
98 procedure jokes and hilarious procedure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about procedure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh your way through civil procedure and parliamentary procedure with these wacky procedure jokes! From the surgeries to the recovery, you won't be able to keep a straight face with these silly jokes.
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Funniest Procedure Short Jokes
Short procedure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The procedure humour may include short routine jokes also.
- Some people think vasectomies and castration are similar procedures but there's a vas deferens between the two.
- I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
- TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides. His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."
- Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before! - Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid? When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.
The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though... - An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"
British guy: "Is that still necessary?" - Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
- What do you do if you step on a landmine? Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
- My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn't been the same since his lost his favorite ball I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.
- A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity. When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill."
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Procedure One Liners
Which procedure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with procedure? I can suggest the ones about probe and plan.
- I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.
- What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed? A lobotany
- Why did the ex Vice President dance so procedurally? He invented an Al-Gore-Rhythm.
- What is the procedure when a sheep gets abducted? The police send out a LAMBer alert
- Procedural programming is like school in the summer. It has no classes!
- What's an English majors favorite surgical procedure? A semicolon-oscopy
- A urologist sneezed mid procedure. He got the sack.
- Why do circumcised men lack Jedi brethren? The procedure removes their force-kin.
Circumcision Procedure Jokes
Here is a list of funny circumcision procedure jokes and even better circumcision procedure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip? Circumcision.
Medical Procedure Jokes
Here is a list of funny medical procedure jokes and even better medical procedure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BREAKING NEWS: The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, is brain-dead following an invasive medical procedure. Officials praise the regime for finding common grounds with the US.
- What medical procedure involves transgender gang members uniting as one? A blood transfusion
- How is a vote for Hillary Clinton like a lobotomy? One means your brain will never function fully and one is a medical procedure.
Surgical Procedure Jokes
Here is a list of funny surgical procedure jokes and even better surgical procedure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got a book titled 'A Guide to Surgical Procedures'. I opened it up and the appendix was missing.
Comical & Quirky Procedure Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about procedure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prov jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make procedure pranks.
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.
During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?
$5,318,008
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
An old man at the doctors office...
His daughter took him to a doctor for a check up. During the check up - the doctor asks the old man about his visits to the toilet at night, and he replies: "I wake up, walk to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me". Confused, the doctor finishes his procedure and tells the old mans daughter about the whole "God-light" thing. To which she replies: "Oh no! He's been using the fridge again!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 15 shots...
He proceeds to drink them in 15 minutes and then leave. He returns the next night and repeats the procedure, 15 shots in 15 minutes. This goes on for 3 solid months. It gets to the point that the bartender starts setting up the 15 drinks before the guy even arrives.
One night, the guy walks in as the bartender is preparing his order and waves away the 15 shots. "What's the matter," asks the bartender, "You're one of the best drinkers I've ever seen"
The man replies, "It's just that I got a little too drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "So what, everyone gets sick now and again."
The guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I had a colonoscopy today...
While my doctor was preparing me for the examination he said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an e**..."
"I haven't got an e**...," I said.
"No, but I have." he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3rd Rose
A s**... active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v**... lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia,she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? (read - not spam)
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!
Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
Ouch
A man (let's call him Bob) goes to his best friend who happens to be a doctor (let's call him Marv).
Bob: Marv, I need to ask you a favor.
Marv: Yea, Bob. No problem, what can I do for you?
Bob: I have here $5,000. I want you to castrate me.
Marv: But, Bob --
Bob: No, Marv, I've thought about this, I'm a little embarrassed, just take the $5,000 dollars and please don't fight me on this.
Marv, thinks and decides that he's not one to say no to $5,000 for a simple procedure and agrees. He conducts the operation.
In an hour or so Bob wakes up from the anesthesia.
Bob: Is it done?
Marv: Yea, it is. Also while I was doing the operation I noticed you weren't circumcised, and I really believe it's healthier, so I wanted to offer you that option now.
Bob: CIRCUMCISED! That's the word!
So yesterday I was getting a mole removed...
The dermatologist explained that since it grew back looking cancerous, they'd have to cut a bigger section out, which would require a few stitches. Anyways, the procedure is underway, and I'm laying face down as they're cutting into me. It's a little quiet so I try to lighten the atmosphere with a joke.
"You guys know that this mole spoke to me. It could actually talk!" The nurse was a little confused by this and responded, weakly "oh, really?". I said "Yeah, he used to talk to me all the time. He said I could never tell anyone that he was on my back, because 'Snitches... Get Stitches.'"
It was pretty silent after that. The doctor let out a snort/cough/chuckle after thinking about it. But I'm still not sure if the joke was worth the awkwardness.
A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the pet proctologist fear his first feline procedure?
Because wether he succeeded or failed, he knew he'd end up with a cat-a**...-trophy on his hands.
A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.
Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.
The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"
The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your children were born healthy, a boy and a girl. However -- your brother had to name them because we needed to get the birth certificates filled out."
Nervously, she asked, "What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise," the nurse replied.
Relieved, the woman said, "That's a lovely name! I was worried he'd come up with something truly awful. And my son?"
"Denephew."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cutting-edge medical procedure
A new father was overjoyed to learn that his wife had just given birth to their first child: a son. However, the doctors informed the couple that their baby boy suffered from a rare but serious birth defect: the child had no eyelids. He had been born perfectly healthy in every other way, but lacked eyelids.
"All hope is not lost, however," the chief resident said. "The muscles and connective tissue appear to be normal, he just lacks the mucous membrane. If we circumcise your little one, we should be able to graft that tissue onto the place where his eyelids should be, and he can live a relatively normal life."
"Ok," the father said after discussing it with his wife,"go ahead and see what you can do for him."
The operation was a resounding success; the baby was blinking normally within a week.
The only problem was that the child ultimately grew up to be c**...-eyed.
When Yoshi gets sick from eating too many goombas, what procedure should Dr. Mario conduct?
A Nintendoscopy!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the experimental procedure used at the Mayo Clinic recently?
The surgeons cut off a man's entire left side, so now he's alright.
Landmine
A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him:
-Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine?
-Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.
A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.
A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.
The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.
He agrees and continues with the procedure.
The doctor first puts the pain at 10% the man feels nothing. He turns it to 25% still nothing. He puts it on 50% nothing. The doctor is getting curious wondering if the device works at all. He turns it to 100% and still nothing. The mother doesn't feel a thing.
After birth is all done they wrap it all up and go home.
When they arrive at home, the mailman is lying on the front lawn. The mailman says. 'I feel like I've just given birth.'
>I don't know if this has been posted before but this was my fathers favorite joke.
How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?
They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Abortion jokes are a lot like the procedure itself.
If you half-a**... it then it will come out mangled.
An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.
He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.
He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.
**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."
**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."
(The next day, after the procedure...)
**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."
**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"
It's isn't rocket science
A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo.
He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist.
The dentist says, reassuringly:
"Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
"Don't panic Jack... this a new procedure but everything is going to be alright"
- Doc, I am not Jack!
- I am.
No Bedside Manner
I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure, the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … Heck, he continued, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.
A kid was born without eyelids.
Don't worry the doctor assured the father.
When we circumcise him we will use the skin to make him new eyelids. After the procedure the father is with the doctor. Well what do you think of the procedure? asks the doctor. I don't know? Does he look a little cockeyed to you?
Today I decided to donate blood...
After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've invented a one step procedure that lets you use human f**... just like modeling modeling clay!
::pinches nose::
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went through a grueling and expensive procedure yesterday, having my spine and BOTH t**... removed
Still, the wedding presents were amazing
What does an ophthalmologist do if he has to perform surgery, but doesn't remember how to do the procedure?
He has to Improve eyes....
People who have undergone a heart transplant are generally quite indecisive after the procedure.
They will always have a change of heart.
A man has terrible teeth and goes to an orthodontist to have them fixed
The orthodontist tells him it will cost $5000
The man yells "$5000?? There's no way I can afford that! Don't you have any cheaper options?"
The orthodontist thinks for a moment and looks at the man, he says "alright man, I have an experimental treatment that will make your teeth completely average for $500 bucks, but I can't give you any details about the procedure until you pay."
The man is hesitant at first but he decides it is worth the risk and accepts the offer.
The orthodontist buys him a plane ticket to Britain.
My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"
God bless his soul
When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...
I see trees of green, and red roses too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is talking to his doctor before a vasectomy...
The man asks "So, after the procedure, s**... will feel the same?"
The doctor responds, "I can assure you there will be no vas deferens."
A cheapskate goes to have his wisdom teeth removed. The dentist said the procedure would cost $100.
The cheapskate replies, "I'll give you $50 and just loosen it."
Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...
But he does not want to hear my SOP story.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear that they are renaming the female s**... change procedure??
The new name will be...........Adadictomy!!
My vasectomy was supposed to change everything.
I haven't noticed a vas deferens after the procedure.
A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.
A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.
The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."
The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an architects job - to make something out of chaos."
The programmer then says: "Now wait a minute, who do you think was responsible for all the chaos?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... couple, both bona fide r**..., had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.
They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.
Going to hospital
As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.
"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."
What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?
A cardiovirgin
A Guy Walks into a Doctor's Office...
Doc, I've made up my mind, I've thought it over. I want to be castrated!
Doctor stares at him in disbelief,
Are you sure? That is no....
The guy interrupts,
Doc, I'm 100% sure! Let's do it today!
Later, after the procedure, the guy walks out of the hospital with a limp. In the hallway, he meets another man walking with a similar limp.
Just got castrated too, huh? The guy asks. No, i had a circumcision replied the man.
Circum...Oohhh...so that's what it's called!
A lawyer undergoes surgery
While undergoing surgery, a lawyer has a vision of God by his bedside.
"Am I going to die?" Asked the Lawyer.
"No my son," replied God, "You have another 30 years to live."
Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and the lawyer died shortly after the procedure.
The lawyer sees God again.
"I thought you said I have 30 years!" He cries.
"That is correct my son," replies God, "I've simply added up your billable hours."
I was getting a prostrate exam
I had to ask the doctor mid-procedure why his hands were on my hips
A woman walks into a dry cleaners....
She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."
He says, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."
A blind man is being interviewed about an experimental procedure to restore his sight
A reporter asks him what he thinks will happen.
The blind man responds, I don't know, I guess I'll see.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.
The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an e**... again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the c**... doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The c**... failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the c**... still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that g**... truck won't be there either."
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical science has come a long way.
There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the f**... from new born males and create eyelids for those born without them. The procedure has been highly successful, although the children do look a little cockeyed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Psychic's advice
A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!
She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, b**... job, nose job and looked amazing!
After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died.
Upon arriving at heaven she cried and cried! "I was supposed to have 40 more years!"
God said "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.
Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...
But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.
