The Best 47 Privates Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Privates jokes. There are some privates lieutenants jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these privates colonel puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Privates Jokes and Puns

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

What did the sergeant say to the corporal?

I need to see your privates.

Privates joke, What did the sergeant say to the corporal?

Yo mama such a ho...

Yo mama such a ho that her privates are called publics.

i'm ashamed of this. but also really proud.

Are you a general?

Because you make my privates stand at attention.


There are 3 men stranded in the wild...

and one day they see an abandoned house and go inside. When they go inside however, they realized that there's only one bed. The floor was filthy, so they had no choice but to sleep on the same bed. The next morning, the two men sleeping on each side of the bed awoke and started to notice an acute pain coming from their privates. The man in the middle however, told them he had an intense and wonderful dream about skiing.

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

Privates joke, The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it woul

Two guys walking down the street spot a dog licking his privates...

"I wish I could do that," one says.

"Don't," the other replies. "The dog would bite you."

A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates...

"You really like those new toy soldiers, don't you?"

Slinging puns at my best friend

So my best friend from high school is a Marine. The other day, he was promoted to Corporal.

So I told him "Treat your privates right. Also, the men under your command, treat them right too."

Two drunks are walking down the street...

...when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking it's privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says "I wish I could do that."
The other looks at him and says, "Wouldn't you like to make friends with him first?"

You can explore privates penises reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean privates crotches dad jokes. There are also privates puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A mother walked in to find her son playing with his privates. "Oh dear..."

"...those toy soldiers were supposed to be a surprise!"

Some Doctors see Private Clients

Other Doctors see their Client's Privates.

Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge?

He couldn't keep his hands off his privates

Yo momma's privates are like Mars...

It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.

Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates.

One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."

An oldie, but I always liked it.

Privates joke, Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates.

I was shocked to walk in on my son playing with his privates...

Those toy soldiers were supposed to be his surprise birthday gift...

What medicine do men take when their privates start hurting?

Penis-illin'

Naked sunbathing....

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."


So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.

A Russian officer is giving his cadets a lesson about chemistry.

He says: "Cadets, write down: the temperature ofΒ boiling water is 90Β°."

One of the privates replies, "ComradeΒ praporshchik, you're mistaken β€” it's 100Β°!"

The officer consults his handbook, and then announces, "Right, 100Β°. It is a *right angle*Β that boils at 90Β°."

Art Gallery Nudes

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

She asks, "What are you waiting for?"

He replies, "Autumn."

Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

Are you a drill sargeant?

Because you have my privates standing at attention.

You've heard of "to teach a boy to fish... "

The old saying goes "you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but teach him to fish he eats for his lifetime." In the military they tell privates the same thing but a little differently.

It goes "you make a fire for a soldier, he's warm for the night. You light the soldier on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."

I like my women like I like my dogs

Wild, loyal, and licking her own privates.

What is the first thing they do at boot camp?

Take the privates out and inspect them.

What is a privates least favorite cheese brand?

Sargento.

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!

Eat up!

Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

Where does a general put his hands to stay warm

In his privates.

[military joke] My wife asked me why I had condoms in my car

I said for my privates

An old man and an old woman are sitting around a retirement home.

The old man says to the old woman: "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The woman says "I'll give it a shot, let me try something."
She reaches down his pants and starts feeling around his privates while focusing intently.
"You're 85." she guesses.
"Wow, you're right! How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."

Why did the general get arrested during a field trip to his military base?

He was exposing his privates to children.

Two Amish women are in the field picking potatoes...

The first Amish woman (FAW) pulls out an enormous potato from the field and says to the second (SAW), "Ohhh, this reminds me of Jacob's privates!"

SAW - "You mean Jacob's privates are that big?"

FAW - "No, but they're just as dirty!"

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?

Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator

Adapt Popular Movie Titles to Make Them Pornographic

Saving Ryan's Privates
Goofellas
Supersize Me

What do generals in the millitary shave?

Their privates.

A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.

"Oh no..."

"What's wrong"

"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"

My ex-partners privates remind me of the sky

Every person on Earth has seen them

What army reproduces asexually?

The corn army. They're only kernels and no privates

I was not invited to the sausage party.

It was a privates event.

P.S. I don't care, those guys are dicks.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street

A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck.
The boy responded:
"But if I did that, then I wouldn't have a siren."

Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the privates private jones jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working privates private affair piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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