Private Jokes
171 private jokes and hilarious private puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about private that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the concept of jokes that are exclusive to a group of people. Learn about the unique connection private jokes create and the importance of keeping them secret. Find out the various ways private jokes can be useful such as strengthening friendship, establishing trust, and creating an emotional bond. Delve into different private jokes including the ones based on private equity, private school, private eye, private investigator, private jet, private job, private detective, and private tutor.
Quick Jump To
- Short Private Jokes
- Private One Liners
- Private School Jokes
- Private Investigator Jokes
- Private Jet Jokes
- Private Tutor Jokes
- More Private Jokes
Funniest Private Short Jokes
Short private jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The private humour may include short internal jokes also.
- Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is? Every time I ask someone they say it's private.
- Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today! Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
- My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it. I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
- A general walks up to his private "Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!" - A man and a woman meet in a programming class. Suddenly man touches the women's breast. Women: Hey! they are private. Man: But we are in the same class.
- If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home... ...did that make it a VI P room?
- A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime." Father: "Government or private sector?"
- A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime' His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'
- I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi
- My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.
Share These Private Jokes With Friends
Private One Liners
Which private one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with private? I can suggest the ones about public and personal.
- What is another name for a gynocoloist ? A private investigator.
- I've got my own private jet... ...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.
- Clinton's blue firewall... About as secure as her private email server.
- I have my own private jet. The rest of the jaccuzi belongs to my roommate.
- What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work? Army barber
- What do you call someone who never farts in public? A PRIVATE TUTOR
- I have my own private jet But my mum owns the rest of the jacuzzi.
- Sergeant: I didn't see you at camouflage training. Private: Thank you, sir!
- What do you call a teacher that only farts in their own home? A private tooter
- My friend asked why I wouldn't tell him my military rank. I told him it's Private.
- What do you call a VPN that isn't private? A proxymoron.
- Things to keep private: 1:
2:
3: - What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job? A Defective!
- Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? It's his private eye.
- What do generals in the millitary shave? Their privates.
Private School Jokes
Here is a list of funny private school jokes and even better private school puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was voted Most Private Guy in my high school class. I can't tell you how much that meant to me.
- What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school? Preppy le Pew
- Where do Gynecologists get their training? ...
...
...
Private School - I played the USSR anthem at my private school And now its a public school.
- What do hieroglyphics wear to private school? Their cuneiforms.
- The teacher put the word "circumcise" on my 10 year old's spelling test. I'm pulling him out of education. No decent private school hires a Catholic teacher.
- if theres 'national public radio'? (npr) is there also 'private public schools'?
- Q: What do you call a Teacher who refuses to f**... in Public School? A: A Private Tutor! LOL
Private Investigator Jokes
Here is a list of funny private investigator jokes and even better private investigator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.
- My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator, but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.
- What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist? Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator
- I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering... I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...
- I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges Turned out he was a privet investigator.
- What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye? An Invest-igator
- I'm the leader of a group of shoddy private investigators. I'm a directive defective detective.
- I'm starting a business in Indiana; we do paternity tests and private investigations. It's called "Hoosier Daddy and What Does He Do?"
- WHAT DO YOU CALL A PRIVATE DETECTIVE THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE SWAMP? An investiGATOR!
- Gynaecologist aka female private investigator
Private Jet Jokes
Here is a list of funny private jet jokes and even better private jet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How could the footwear exec afford a mansion, a yacht, and a private jet? He was on a real shoestring budget.
- The King of Spain has sequestered himself on his private jet until his Covid-19 results come back The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.
- I got a private jet. Rest of the jacuzzi belong to my Dad.
- I can afford to hire a private jet but I prefer to fly British Airways. It keeps me grounded.
- At an age of 24, Penchal —The Young CEO of Pen Groups bought his New Private jet
- What has four legs and is always ready to travel? A zebra with a private jet.
Private Tutor Jokes
Here is a list of funny private tutor jokes and even better private tutor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call someone who doesn't pass gas in public? A private tooter (tutor)
- What do you call a teacher who farts really quiet? A private tutor.
- What do you call a teacher who doesn't flatulate in public. A private tutor.
-Credits to my cousin ;) - A student is taking private tutoring lessons on the middle east. The tutor asks if the student has any more questions, to which the student replied... "Iran out of questions"
- What do you call a person who never passes gas in public? A *private tutor*
- What do you call a guy who does not f**... in public? A private tutor.
- What do you call someone who refuses to f**... in public? A private tutor!
- What do you call a teacher that doesn't f**... in public? A private tutor (tooter)
Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago. - Why wouldn't the teacher f**... in public? Because she was a private tutor
- What do you call a man who never t**... in public? He's a private tutor.
Great Private Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about private you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean local jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make private pranks.
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Why don't personal teachers f**... in public?
Because they're private tooters!
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
g**... in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
Little Johnny and two p**....
Little Johnny went to school and the teacher was teaching human anatomy. She pointed to the private part of a male and asked her class if anyone knew what it was.
Little Johnny raised his hand: "I do, I do! and my daddy has two of them!" Teacher was puzzled.
"My daddy has a small one to pee with and a long one to brush my mom's teeth with!"
How many of those brownies did you eat, private?
"All of them sir!"
"That was my stash private."
"Negative sir it was labeled private!"
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5
Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The o**... was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another o**.... As Billy began to play, the o**... also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another o**... for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.
At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.
"The cause of death appears to be multiple o**... failure."
A guy asks for a tattoo on his........
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
Woman in a coma
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that o**... s**... will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
If you're going to do something i**... don't plan it through Facebook
Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
Three old women in the park
There were three old woman in the park when suddenly a semi-n**... man walks up to them and shows his private parts. The first old woman saw him and had a s**.... The second old woman saw and also had a s**.... The third old woman did not have a s**... because her arms were too short.
Did you hear about the teacher who never f**... in class?
It turns out she was a private tooter.
Little Johnny...one more time.
Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
Yo momma's privates are like Mars...
It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't f**... in public?
a private tooter.
Two men go hunting......
o**... is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...
...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little o**... s**... is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"
A computer science student...
...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class
I haven't had s**... since 1956!
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.
He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.
Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.
In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY."
Without being able to finish his sentence, the private interrupts his superior saying, "THANK YOU, SIR."
A man lies n**... on the beach...
But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully n**.... The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."
When I was in kindergarten...
I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.
Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?
Private: Trying to sleep, sir!
Sergeant: You look like you just had s**..., boy. When did you last have s**...?
Private: 2010, sir!
Sergeant: 2010? That's a long time, son.
Private: Not really, sir! It's only 2045 right now.
Dad joke about phones....
A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells "Dad should I take this"
The dad yells back "who is it calling?"
Son: "It says private caller"
Dad: "Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!"
A buddy and I are in the same programming class
My friend starts writing down a note
I look at it
He says "Hay! That note is private"
I respond "But we are in the same class"
News: Hillary Clinton concedes her defeat to Donald Trump in a private phone call.
Safe to say she's learned her lesson with emails!
A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him to a private school
All the sudden inthe private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,
"Why were you doing so bad in a
public school, and when we switched you to a
private school you did good?" The kid says,
"because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed
to a plus sign."
The phone rings, and Dad asks: What does the caller ID say?
Mom: It's a private caller.
Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs.
Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".
A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..
Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.
Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"
He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."
I am meeting with a private detective in one hour...
Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?
As a doctor, I've had a private practice for 20 years. But I'm quitting...
I just don't have the patients for it anymore
Cutting down personal expenses
The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:
"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."
The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."
Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012
Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?
Obama: President?? You have to be s**..., ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!
Trump: Perfect, I will see you on your way out then.
Obama: What???
Why didn't the teacher break wind in front of other people?
Because he was a private tooter
A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...
"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"
In the Army
Sergeant: "Private Ryan, I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday!
Private: "Thank you, sergeant.
The Promotion
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have s**... with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
A young kid was smart, but was failing math.
He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."
Logic
Three professors visit a nudist beach, and s**... off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".
If gay men were allowed in the army back in WWII, Saving Private Ryan would be a lot shorter...
Because there is no way it would take 3 hours for a group of gay men to find Matt Damon.
On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.
He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"
PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."
General: "Do you know who this is?"
PFC: "No."
General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"
PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"
General: "No."
PFC: "Good, goodbye!"
I s**... up when I paved my private road...
I guess it's my own dumb asphalt.
I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.
He just kept telling me it's private.
A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel
Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"
Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"
Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."
Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"
Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."
The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"
Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"
Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"
Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."
A dog is l**... his private parts
Two men are watching a dog lick his private parts.
First guy says, "I wish I could do that."
Second guy says, "You should probably pet him first."
A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.
He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."
Why can't Communists be programmers?
Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties
"Private Jenkins, I did not see you in the camouflage-training yesterday!"
"Thank you, sir!"
Remember: YouTube is a private company that can do whatever it wants.
It's not like it's a bakery or something.
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers
The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "
A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.
He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.
So there were 4 people on a private jet
Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.
In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to c**....
So Oprah Winfrey says the world needs me and grabs a parachute and jumps off.
Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off without saying anything.
Then there's only one parachute left.
Barack Obama says to the girl, little girl, you are the future to our country, you take the last parachute.
Then the little girl says actually there's two left.
Barack Obama says how ?
Then the little girl says because trump just took my school backpack.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private."
I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
If the characters were gay, Saving Private Ryan would have been a way shorter film.
There is no way a group of gay men would have taken 3 hours to find Matt Damon
If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.
Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:
If you're arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?
Sergeant: I didn't see you at camouflage practice this morning Private!
Private: Yes Sir! Thank you sir!
