Prison Jokes
179 prison jokes and hilarious prison puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prison that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of prison jokes. These funny jokes are sure to have you in stitches.
Quick Jump To
- Short Prison Jokes
- Prison One Liners
- Escape From Prison Jokes
- Prison Escape Jokes
- Escaped Prison Jokes
- Prison Sentence Jokes
- Prison Officer Jokes
- More Prison Jokes
Funniest Prison Short Jokes
Short prison jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prison humour may include short jail jokes also.
- So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
- As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
- After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
- My brother who has a stutter is in prison. It's just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
- bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
- "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
- If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria... I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
- Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape. Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down. - Why are white gangs the scariest in prisons? Because they had a fair trial and still ended up there.
- Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot 5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
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Prison One Liners
Which prison one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prison? I can suggest the ones about inmate and jail cell.
- Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- What do you call Andrew Tate in a romanian prison? In-cell
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison? You know he actually did it.
- A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
- What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn o into an O .
- When my wife died I couldn't shower alone for 12 years. But I'm out of prison now!
- why should you be afraid of a white man in prison? because you know he's guilty.
- I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall It was a little condescending
- What do prison and the shift key have in common they both turn your "o" into an "O"
- I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
- Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.
- What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia
Escape From Prison Jokes
Here is a list of funny escape from prison jokes and even better escape from prison puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!
- I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall... I thought, that's a little condescending.
- A psychic midget has escaped from prison.. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
- What do you call a 5' 2" fortune teller that has escaped from prison? A small medium at large
- A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper "Small medium at large"
- What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison? We've got a small medium at large.
- Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped prison? News headlines say "Small medium at large".
- A psychic dwarf escaped from prison There's a small medium at large.
- I was playing a prison simulator when the batteries in my keyboard died. Now I can't escape.
- I was visiting a midget prison today... As I was leaving, I saw a little person climbing over a prison wall to escape. He turned and gave me a dirty look, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
Prison Escape Jokes
Here is a list of funny prison escape jokes and even better prison escape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Prisoner The prisoner cried, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!"
The guard responded, "I'm not mad, just disappointed."
Remember kids, never let your guard down. - News break: A fortune telling midget just escaped from prison, police are reporting to be on the lookout for a: Small medium at large.
- I just saw a midget escaping from prison by climbing down the wall! Half way down, he turned his head and grimaced at me. I thought: That's a little condescending.
- Did you hear about the little person who used his psychic abilities to escape prison? He's a small medium at large.
- A midget who went to prison for scamming people with his so-called psychic readings escaped. Small medium at large.
- A midget was escaping prison... A midget was escaping prison. I watched him as he climbed over the fence. On the way down he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending". - A dwarf, that happens to be a mystic, escapes from prison. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
- How did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall
- What do you call a little person who can talk to ghosts and just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
- It was very easy to escape from prison. The WiFi was so bad that there were zero bars on my cell.
Escaped Prison Jokes
Here is a list of funny escaped prison jokes and even better escaped prison puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw a dwarf escaping prison yesterday, and as he was climbing down the outer fence he turned and sneered at me. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
- A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said There's a small medium at large.
- What do you call a 3ft tall psychic who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
- What do you get when a short psychic escapes prison? A small medium at large!
- Short armed and dangerous. Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large.
- A psychic midget has escaped prison… Please be on the lookout out for a small medium at large
- What do you call a psychic dwarf escaping prison? An small medium at large!
- What do you call a dwarf with ESP who escapes from prison? A Small Medium at Large
- What would u call a clairvoyant midget who escaped prison? A small medium at large.
- Did you hear about the psychic with dwarfism that escaped prison? He's a small medium at large.
Prison Sentence Jokes
Here is a list of funny prison sentence jokes and even better prison sentence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
- Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day? Because all sentences should end with a period.
- Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark? Period.
Because it marks the end of a sentence. - Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison. Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?
Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years. - My brother who stutters was sent to prison. I feel bad knowing he will never complete his sentence.
- My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn't finished his sentence
- A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested. He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.
- Hey, remember how we used to finish each other's sentences when we were younger? Well I'm in prison now and I really need a favour
- Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18
- What's long and hard on a black guy His prison sentence
I hope this hasn't been said before, I half came up with this all by my lonesome
Prison Officer Jokes
Here is a list of funny prison officer jokes and even better prison officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison." "Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."
- A police officer gets thee years in prison for Just kidding, police officers never get a full sentence.
- You might be a r**... if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
Uproarious Prison Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about prison you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean behind bars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prison pranks.
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
I don't like s**... in the shower.
It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.
Why is Facebook like a prison?
Because you write on walls and people you don't know poke you.
Jesus loves you.
A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
"Jesus loves you" can be very comforting words...
unless you hear them in a Mexican prison
A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...
The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."
What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?
G'day mate!
Why do prison guards use Proactive?
To prevent further breakouts.
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water...
...I can walk on babies.
Therefore I am...
...In prison.
How much c**... can a smuggler sneak into prison?
a buttload.
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.
Surely we don't need that many guards.
A man is walking by a prison....
...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.
The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?
A South African prison has an Oscar
78% of black men like s**... in the shower
The other 22% haven't been to prison yet
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.
I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower s**...
The other 10% have never been to prison.
A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal.
She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"
98% of black people love having s**... in showers
The other 2% haven't been to prison yet
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
Jesus loves you.
These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison.
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.
It's full of convex.
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!
Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.
Why are white people the scariest in prison?
Because you know they're guilty.
After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...
But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."
A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?
They both turn "o" into "O".
"Jesus loves you."
A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
Jesus loves you is a great thing to hear in church.
But an awful thing to hear in prison.
I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field
I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"
So a prison break was happening...
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents
My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots...
They'd be called CELLFIES
I'll see myself out.
I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job...
...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.
Jesus loves you.
A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end
You'll go to prison for a very long time.
Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had s**... in the shower.
The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.
I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...
When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...
I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.
He replied with 'Fuck off you p**...!'
I work in a prison.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.
There is a three year waiting list.
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
I was walking past a prison the other day, and
I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.
I thought to myself, now that's a little con descending.
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing e**....
I just wish it had been mine.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...
So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.
