The Best 83 Prisoners Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Prisoners jokes. There are some prisoners cons jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these prisoners cellfies puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Prisoners Jokes and Puns

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.

"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.

"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"

8 letter word for the somewhat-outdated practice by male prisoners of giving their female co-criminals first pick at the bootleg weapons?

Shivalry.

Prisoners joke, 8 letter word for the somewhat-outdated practice by male prisoners of giving their female co-crimina

What kind of vehicle did they use to transport prisoners to concentration camps during the holocaust?

Ju-Haul

Martial Arts for weak prisoners

A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo


A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

Because they had no bars on their cells!

Prisoners joke, Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...

They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.

Why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower?

Because it's harder to pick up.

firing squad

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

3 Russian prisoners in a Gulag discuss their crimes

The first says, "I'm here because I spoke out against Nikolai Yezhov"

The second says, "I'm here because I spoke out in favor of Nikolai Yezhov"

Then, the two of them look at the third and recognize him. The third says, "Yes, it's me--Nikolai Yezhov"

You can explore prisoners captors reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean prisoners prison or work dad jokes. There are also prisoners puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The prisoners

During WWI, a german soldier sits in his trench, minding his own business, when he hears a voice from the trench next to him:

"Franz, come quickly! I took 10 frenchmen as prisoners!"

"That's great, bring them over in my trench!"

I can't! They won't let me go!"

What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots?

Cellfies

^I'm^so^sorry

Two escaped prisoners walk into a bar...

Bartender says "Hey, before you guys head home, both of you gotta take a shot!"

TIL: Norwegian women are so hot, because vikings only took the most beautiful women as prisoners.

Gotcha ?

3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"

Prisoners joke, 3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

Australia beat England in their matchup in the Rugby World Cup.

I guess you could say the prisoners beat the guards.

So the other day in calculus we were talking about concavity

I asked if that's why prisoners brush their teeth

What do you call the concentration camp prisoners who kept pestering the guards with questions?

Askanazi Jews


Prison was Hard...

But the prisoners were harder.

A warning to prisoners of the Matrix

Snitches get glitches

Puns should have been called pows...

But those prisoners said it hurt too much.

How are Prisoners and Native Americans alike?

News dont care about either of them

This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch-

I beat off all the other prisoners

Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners?

The white guy might actually be guilty.

(Stolen from a comment by /u/CanadianWildlifeDept)

Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

Why are white prisoners so scary?

Because you know they did it.

How do prisoners call each other?

On their cell phones!

Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

Period.

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

Why do prisoners prefer liquid soap?

Takes longer to pick up

Did you hear about the tunnel the escaped prisoners dug under the jail?

It was a runaway success.

If prisoners could take their own mugshots...

They'd be called CELLFIES

I'll see myself out.

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

Why did the comedian get banned from performing for prisoners?

His jokes made people break out laughing.

Why do Jewish prisoners keep escaping from the new prison?

Because there's no lox.

a couple prisoners were playing basketball out in the yard when a car pulled up just outside the fence.

he said "pass to me I'm free"

What Do You Call a Fight Between Auschwitz Prisoners

Star Wars

How do prisoners communicate?

CELL-phones

A few prisoners escaped prison in a car made of bones..

It was a marrow escape.

I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.

Pros: prose
Cons: cons

What's a prisoners favorite planet

Uranus

Prisoners often think about the whole wide world out here...

Meanwhile, I often think about the wide hole world in there.

What job can prisoners do?

Serving drinks, because it's working behind bars.

I hear prisoners in jails get drunk a lot

How do prisoners contact each other?

Cell Phones!

What do you call a picture where the prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cellfies

Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!?

No! You have to weigh the frozen cons.

How did Christopher Marlowe keep his writing secret from the other prisoners when he went to jail?

He separated the prose from the cons.

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots?

Cell-fies

(shamelessly stolen from The Hun's Yellow Pages)

Why couldn't the prisoners have sex?

Because they were incels

Why are Stamford prisoners so well behaved?

Because they come from con-etiquette.

What do freedom fighting Wizards say to Hawaiian prisoners?

Alohamora!

Prisoners are telling jokes

and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke.
"Number 256" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs.
"Number 145" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs.
"Number 323" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one one guy is laughing a lot longer then rest.
Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much.
He replies:"It's the first time i heard this one ".

Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.

In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.

In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.

And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

This just in: a cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway.

The police had to let all the prisoners go, because they were statues of limitations.

This just in: a cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway.

The prisoners tried to escape across the river, but they were wearing cement overshoes.

What kind of music do prisoners prefer?

Criminal records

Did you know all prisoners in the US go to one state?

WisCONsin

Why did Hitler give concentration camp prisoners fake tans before crushing them?

Because he liked freshly squeezed orange Jews.

(I still don't think enough time has passed for this joke.)

Prisoners can't have sex

Because they're in-cells

Two prisoners are talking. One of them asks the other:" So what are you in for?"

So he answers:" For something I did NOT do."
"What was it?"
"I did not run fast enough."

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

Why are prisoners incarcerated for life really bad at writing?

They're doomed to never finish their sentences.

In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

This is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"

If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

Once they are put in jail, prisoners spend most of their time being salty.

Probably because they spend all of their time NaCl.

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

Did you hear about the prisoners who got melted together?

It was Con-fusing to say the least.

please take me to the jail...

I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot

They hang around bars 24/7.

Why can't prisoners get laid?

Because they're in cells.

A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...

The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.

It's because the cons outweigh the pros.

Austria declares war on China:

„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks

China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads

Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

Why do wives cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law, all prisoners need to be fed.

Why are chromosomes like fighting prisoners?

They both get pulled apart to opposite sides of the cell.

What have good cops and good prisoners in common?

They both get released early for good behaviour.

Another old Soviet joke

Three prisoners are standing in the yard at a Siberian work camp.

The first says to the second, "What are you in here for?" and the second one replies "I said something nasty about Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"

The first prisoner says, "I said something nice about Comrade Popov in 1938."

They both turn to the third prisoner. "And you, comrade, why are you here?" The third prisoner says, "I *am* Comrade Popov!"

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, he realizes that all of them are injured, most of them at their hands and arms.

The general interrogates the commander:

"Very impressive! But how did you manage to take all these hostages?"

"Ha, very simple! Just build up a machine gun next to the German trench and yell >>HEIL!! <<"

Why prisoners hate women?

Because they're in cells.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the prisoners jail jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working prisoners inmate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes