Prisoner Jokes
104 prisoner jokes and hilarious prisoner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prisoner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Prisoner Short Jokes
Short prisoner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prisoner humour may include short inmate jokes also.
- So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
- My brother who has a stutter is in prison. It's just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
- bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
- "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
- If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria... I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
- Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape. Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down. - Policeman: You're going to prison for forgery. Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?
- As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests. My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
- There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
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Prisoner One Liners
Which prisoner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prisoner? I can suggest the ones about prison officer and hostage.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- What do you call Andrew Tate in a romanian prison? In-cell
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
- What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn o into an O .
- I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall It was a little condescending
- I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
- Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.
- What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia
- Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent further breakouts.
- I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
- What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots? Cellfies
^I'm^so^sorry - A policeman and a prisoner play chess. The policeman beats him.
- I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ... They hang around bars 24/7.
Howlingly Hilarious Prisoner Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about prisoner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prison inmates jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prisoner pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't like s**... in the shower.
It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.
Jesus loves you.
A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Jesus loves you" can be very comforting words...
unless you hear them in a Mexican prison
Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?
Because they had no bars on their cells!
My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water...
...I can walk on babies.
Therefore I am...
...In prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much c**... can a smuggler sneak into prison?
a buttload.
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.
Surely we don't need that many guards.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
78% of black men like s**... in the shower
The other 22% haven't been to prison yet
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.
I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower s**...
The other 10% have never been to prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.
It's full of convex.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."
A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
"Jesus loves you."
A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?
Period.
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
A psychic midget has escaped from prison..
Police are looking for a small medium at large.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a prison break was happening...
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?
Because all sentences should end with a period.
I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents
My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If prisoners could take their own mugshots...
They'd be called CELLFIES
I'll see myself out.
I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job...
...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.
Nowadays with internet in some prisons..
..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus loves you.
A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end
You'll go to prison for a very long time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...
When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...
I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.
He replied with 'Fuck off you p**...!'
I work in a prison.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
I was walking past a prison the other day, and
I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.
I thought to myself, now that's a little con descending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall...
I thought, that's a little condescending.
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing e**....
I just wish it had been mine.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.
And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...
So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.
A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.
He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.
For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.
After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Next time you're feeling down remember life is all about perspective
I have a friend who has s**... 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn't finished his sentence
A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years
One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground
"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner
"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers
Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.
Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?
Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.
Today I saw a dwarf laughing as he climbed down a prison wall
And I thought, "That's a little condescending"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?
Because they're in cells.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are white gangs the scariest in prisons?
Because they had a fair trial and still ended up there.
My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)
After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought that's a little condescending
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!
The officer laughs and says, Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!
The wife replies: Bullsht! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!
A guy is spending his first night in prison
He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.
Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.
"46!" and everyone loses their minds.
He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"
"Well we've all been here so long we remember all the jokes by heart. To save time we just give them numbers and tell those instead."
"Oh I think I understand. Let me try. 63!"
There's dead silence.
The new guy says "What's wrong, is that one not funny?"
"Nah, it's a good one. Some people just don't know how tell a joke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
