The Best 81 Prisoner Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Prisoner jokes. There are some prisoner inmate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these prisoner convict puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Prisoner Jokes and Puns
Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.
The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.
"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."
"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"
A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days
He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then shaved off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I went over the wall". "Case dismissed" declares the judge
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
A policeman and a prisoner play chess.
The policeman beats him.
What technique does a prisoner use when coloring a picture?
Cell shading.
A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...
The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."
Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?
Because they had no bars on their cells!
What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?
G'day mate!
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for murder"
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and rape"
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning illegal immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
Why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower?
Because it's harder to pick up.
My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
You can explore prisoner prison reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean prisoner treeson dad jokes. There are also prisoner puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So a prisoner took his own mug shot...
He called it his "cellfie".
My collection of dwarf/midget jokes. I'm sorry.
Did you know that there was a dwarf shortage in America?
In other countries, dwarfism is a growing problem.
Dwarves and midgets actually have very little in common.
Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?
Yesterday I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall and he looked at me and sneered. I said, "Well that's a little condescending."
How do midgets get girls to date them? They're really good at small talk.
What do you call an arrogant prisoner walking down the stairs?
Condescending. ;)
Did you hear the one about the tiny prisoner who went down the stairs?
It's a little condescending. ;)
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
What do you call a prisoner who's psychic,has dwarfism and escaped the prison?
A small medium at large!
3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad
The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"
What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Bartender and His Customers
A neurosurgeon, two Cubans, a fascist, a socialist, and a prisoner all walk into a bar together.
The bartender asks, "What's new?"
They all reply, "I'm running for president."
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
What did the executioner say to the prisoner?
"Hang on a minute."
WHY DID THE PRISONER TYPE IN ALL UPPERCASE?
THEY WERE SENTENCED TO CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed
Needless to say, he was shocked.
How do prisoners call each other?
On their cell phones!
A smug prisoner went down a flight of stairs.
He was a condescending con descending.
Today I drove by a prison...
and saw a midget prisoner climbing down the wall.
As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well, that's a little condescending.
What do a prisoner and a sinking ship have in common?
They both need bailing out.
Why do prisoners prefer liquid soap?
Takes longer to pick up
If prisoners could take their own mugshots...
They'd be called CELLFIES
I'll see myself out.
A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...
He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"
A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."
While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.
Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
What'd the cold prisoner do when the female guard came to his cell?
Shiv 'er.
How do prisoners communicate?
CELL-phones
What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?
No noose is good noose.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence.
As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"
The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."
Prisoners often think about the whole wide world out here...
Meanwhile, I often think about the wide hole world in there.
Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Guard: Get in your cell
Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.
Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do
How do prisoners contact each other?
Cell Phones!
Judge: Well, we have 10 witnesses who saw you steal.
Prisoner: Maybe, your Honour, but I can give u 20 witnesses who did not see me steal.
Prisoners are telling jokes
and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke.
"Number 256" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs.
"Number 145" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs.
"Number 323" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one one guy is laughing a lot longer then rest.
Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much.
He replies:"It's the first time i heard this one ".
What do you call a prisoner in for stealing computer parts humorously?
A silicon
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
On Death Row
Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?
Turkish gallows humor
A prisoner goes to the prison library, and asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."
Turkish Political Humor
Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter
In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.
The librarian answers Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.
Have a turkish joke
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
Have you heard of the prisoner who tried to go out drinking last night?
He walked into a bar.
Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?
Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"
A man's last meal
So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait
If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots
they would be called, cellfies.
How many cops does it take to throw a prisoner down the stairs?
None, he fell...
Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?
Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.
A prison guard is trying to catch someone escaping
The prisoner was a little person who climbed the fence and as he was going down the other side he laughed at the guard. The guard watched in disbelief thinking, "Now that is a little con-decending."
Why can't prisoners get laid?
Because they're in cells.
A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...
So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.
A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.
He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.
Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...
One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."
There were two men in a prison in the USSR.
One asked the other: Why are you here?
The other answers: Political reasons.
He asks another question: What political reasons?
The other prisoner answers: I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I said: "The whole system is rotten, everything must be replaced!"
Prisoner
The prisoner cried, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!"
The guard responded, "I'm not mad, just disappointed."
Remember kids, never let your guard down.
Another old Soviet joke
Three prisoners are standing in the yard at a Siberian work camp.
The first says to the second, "What are you in here for?" and the second one replies "I said something nasty about Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"
The first prisoner says, "I said something nice about Comrade Popov in 1938."
They both turn to the third prisoner. "And you, comrade, why are you here?" The third prisoner says, "I *am* Comrade Popov!"
A new prisoner arrives at the gulag, and his fellow inmates ask what he was imprisoned for.
""Nothing! They gave me 10 years for nothing!", the new inmate said.
"Oh come on, don't lie to us!", replied the other inmate; "Everyone knows 'for nothing' is only 5 years!"
Turkish Joke
A prisoner goes to the warden and asks for a book. The guard makes a phone call then says:
We don't have the book but we have the author across the hall.
A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....
.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"
A guy was cutting some branches off a tree next to an asylum and fell inside
The knife fell far away, and a prisoner inside got it before he did, and he started running towards him with the knife.
He ran for his life, until he couldn't run anymore, he fell.
When the prisoner reached him, he dropped the knife next to him and said Your turn!
A prisoner got killed by words
He got a death sentence.
A man gets sent to prison for the first time.
In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.
Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.
Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.
Puzzled, the man whispers to his bunkmate, "What's going on?"
"Well," he replies, "we've been in here so long that we all know the same jokes. So we just yell the numbers to save time.
"OK. But why did no one laugh at that last one?"
"Oh, that's Tommy. He doesn't know how to tell a joke."
Why prisoners hate women?
Because they're in cells.
Why didn't the prisoner stop talking?
Because he had a really long sentence.
As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.
As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.
What does an iPhone thief and a prisoner have in common ?
They both face time.
Three prisoners of communist regime
Three prisoners are in one cell and they talk about why they are here.
First guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes late, so I was always late for work and they locked me up for betrayal."
Second guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes early, so I was always 10 minutes early to work and they locked me up for being a spy."
Third guy: "My watch was always on time, so I was always in time to work and they locked me up for having an offshore watch."
A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years
One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground
"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner
"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers
Speeder
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"
"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big bloody deal, I'm four".
What do prisoners use to make phonecalls?
Cell phones.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the prisoner tekashi jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working prisoner prison or work piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.