Prison Release Jokes
38 prison release jokes and hilarious prison release puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prison release that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Prison Release Short Jokes
Short prison release jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prison release humour may include short escape from prison jokes also.
- A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"... A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
- Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day? Because all sentences should end with a period.
- My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness... ...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".
She's set to be released from prison in 2049. - When my wife died, I couldn't see another woman for 20 years... But now that I've been released from prison, I say it was definitely worth it.
- So a man is released from prison after 15 years... ...and he runs through the streets shouting "I'm free! I'm free!"
A young child watching him responds, "so what, I'm four" - After getting released from prison, I hear OJ wants to get married again.... I guess he wants to take another stab at it.
- When released from prison after 30 years I went for a prostate exam The doctor said he could just eyeball it.
- A man with a stutter was killed in prison with only 3 days until his release date. To bad he couldn't just finish his sentence.
- So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show? Women Say the Darndest Things.
- What have good cops and good prisoners in common? They both get released early for good behaviour.
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Prison Release One Liners
Which prison release one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prison release? I can suggest the ones about prison escape and escape from jail.
- Why was the Router released early from prison? It had connections.
- The Energizer bunny was just releases from prison. He was charged with battery.
. . . - What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison? I feel like a kid again
- why did abe lincoln get released from prison? because he's in a cent
Prison Release Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about prison release you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prison sentence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prison release pranks.
My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.
I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.
I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.
I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison"
When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.
But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...
Did you hear about the book written by the inmate in the New York State Prison?
It got an early release for good behavior.
I'm free! I'm free!
A prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands at the pavement, yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!" - A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, I'm four! I'm four!"
Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?
Yeah, Gilbert got freed.
(I apologize to Gilbert.)
Why did the criminal get released from prison after he wrote a short essay?
He had served his sentence.
I like my men how I like my prison sentence...
Long and hard, with no chance of an early release.
A press release:
"Yesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network p**.
.. and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence."
After she was released from prison, Emma Goldman had to stay away from blueberries and prunes.
She was a free radical
I was supposed to go to prison for a long time, but thankfully i got was released early
Thanks to thirty years perfect attendance.
3 murders get caught and get 10 years solitary...
During their killing spree they spare the life of an old man. They have 24 hour lock down and the old man turns out to be a wizard and approaches them in prison and says I cant set you all free but i will give you whatever you love the most in your cell.
So the first guy says woman, So the guy gives him 72 virgins. The second guy says jack D, so the genie gives him litres and litres of Jack. The 3rd guy says w**... so the genie gives him ounces and ounces of w**....
After 10 years when they're released the old man comes and say soo did you guys like your wishes?
The first guy says "ohh i f**... so many of the girls i cant even look at a p**... again"!
Asks the second guy and he says I cant drink another drop of whiskey without falling ill!
Comes to the thirds guy and asks how his w**... was, the 3rd guy looks at him in anger and says "you didnt leave me a lighter ya p**...!!"
oh god i crack myself up
A blind cowboy walks into a bar...
...and after ordering his drink, asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Well, I don't mind sir, but I must warn you that there are three rather dangerous blondes in this bar tonight.
The first one over by the pool table just got released from prison for 2nd degree m**.... The second in the corner there is the leader of the local gang. And the last one sitting just next to you is a professional boxer.
So I must ask, are you really sure you want to tell this blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a moment, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, I don't wanna have to explain it three times."
What do you call the person that was arrested right after being released from prison?
Alexey Navalny
Prison ain't so bad
A newly arrived prisoner is sitting in his cell when his cellmate, a lifer who has been inside for 20 years, walks in and sees that the young guy is distressed.
Lifer: Don't worry kid, prison ain't so bad. Do you like to work with your hands?
NewMeat: Sure
Lifer: Well,on Monday we get to work in the Arts and Crafts building. You can paint,do woodworking, pottery whatever.
NewMeat: O.k. that's cool.
Lifer: Do you like Gourmet food?
NewMeat: Sure
Lifer: On Tuesdays a Chef comes in affixes anything you want to eat.
NewMeat: Sounds good
Lifer:Do you like movies?
NewMeat: Yeah
Lifer:Wednesdays we get to watch the latest films that are released to theatres.
NewMeat:Allright that's cool.
Lifer: Do you like Music?
NewMeat: Absolutely!
Lifer: Thursdays we get a concert from big name bands like U2 and Foo Fighters.
NewMeat: Wow!! that is cool!!
Lifer: Are you gay?
NewMeat: Uh, no I'm not gay
Lifer: Oh....... well you're not gonna like Friday's at all.
Three prisoners
There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted.
Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before.
The second man is released... stumbles three steps, and falls over.
The third man is released from his cell, walks out, and asks "does anyone have a lighter?"
A Chicago Bears' fan, a Minnesota Viking's fan, and a Detroit Lions' fan find a genie in a bar...
The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of v**... the bartender opens.
[](/sp)
The genie says to the bartender: "Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires and make them come true." The bartender faints from the sheer sight of a real genie in his bar.
[](/sp)
Seeing this, the genie says: "Well, it looks like he's not waking up. You three gentlemen are the only here, so you'll have to split the wishes to 1 each. What do your hearts most desire?"
[](/sp)
The Chicago Bears' fan says: "I want all Minnesota Vikings' fans were shot and thrown out of a bridge."
[](/sp)
The Minnesota Vikings' fan says: "Oh yeah, well I want all Chicago Bears' fans were lynched and choked to death."
[](/sp)
They kept battling each other, throwing one insult after another. Meanwhile, the genie turned to the Detroit Lions' fan and asks the same question: "What do you wish for ?"
[](/sp)
The 3rd fan says: "Me? I want a cup of coffee."
p**... Englishman and p**... Irishman
p**... Englishman and p**... Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichés, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them.
"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each."
p**... Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment:
"Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits and handouts. I wish all the immigrants were gone from my country, and that it was just us English that lived there. Furthermore, I want a giant wall built around the coast and borders of England so nobody else can get in."
"Done" says the genie, and **p**...** p**... Englishman is back in England with the rest of his compatriots
"Genie," says p**... Irishman, "tell me more of this giant wall surrounding England"
"Well, it's over a mile high and half a mile thick. Nothing can get in or out." the genie replied
p**... Irishman thought for a moment, then looked to the genie and said:
"Fill it with water."
An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.
Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day finally comes, they strap him into the chair and the guard throws the switch. Sparks fly and smoke curls upward from the straps and skullcap, but the old man is unhurt. The switch is thrown again and again, but always with the same result. Finally he is released from the chair, and the next day the governor commutes his sentence to life in prison.
When a reporter asks him about the incident and why he thought he survived, the man replies, "Well, I've always been a poor conductor."
So there are three prisoners
who have all been sentenced to twenty years behind bars. They are all allowed to have a few items in their cell. The first prisoner asks for a pile of law books, the second for his wife, and the third for three thousand cigarettes. When they are released the first prisoner walks out happy and says, "Thank god for those books. I can now finally fulfill my dream of being a lawyer. The second walks out and says, "Thank god for my wife. I now have four children and I am now going to settle down and have a nice family life. Then the third walks out and says, "Anyone got a match?"