Uproarious Prison Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?
Cause you know he is actually guilty.
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It's just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
Prison may be just one word
But to others, it's a whole sentence
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?
Because they had no bars on their cells!
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water...
...I can walk on babies.
Therefore I am...
...In prison.
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
You can explore prison guard reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean prison bars dad jokes. There are also prison puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?
because you know he's guilty.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria
Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower s**...
The other 10% have never been to prison.
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!
Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.
After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...
But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."
A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed
Needless to say, he was shocked.
"Jesus loves you."
A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
What do prison and the shift key have in common
they both turn your "o" into an "O"
So a prison break was happening...
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?
Because all sentences should end with a period.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots...
They'd be called CELLFIES
I'll see myself out.
What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?
They both turn o into an O .
I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job...
...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.
Jesus loves you.
A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end
You'll go to prison for a very long time.
If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria...
I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?
You know he actually did it.
Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
A guy with a stutter died in prison
before he could finish his sentence.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing e**....
I just wish it had been mine.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.
And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.
He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
Next time you're feeling down remember life is all about perspective
I have a friend who has s**... 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison
Policeman: You're going to prison for forgery.
Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?
A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years
One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground
"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner
"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big b**... deal, I'm four".
After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years
But I'm out of prison now
My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)
After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!
The officer laughs and says, Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!
The wife replies: Bullsht! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!
A guy is spending his first night in prison
He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.
Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.
"46!" and everyone loses their minds.
He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"
"Well we've all been here so long we remember all the jokes by heart. To save time we just give them numbers and tell those instead."
"Oh I think I understand. Let me try. 63!"
There's dead silence.
The new guy says "What's wrong, is that one not funny?"
"Nah, it's a good one. Some people just don't know how tell a joke."
Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
Recent political joke circulating in China
Three men who don't know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.
The first man said: I opposed covid testing.
The second man said: I supported covid testing.
The third man said: I administered the covid tests.
What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?
In-cell
When my wife died I couldn't shower alone for 12 years.
But I'm out of prison now!
I love my job
I get to serve several meals each day
I meet tons of facinating people
I always smile and ask " Wanna eat it here, or take it home ?
"
Though i'm met with a offensive remark each time, its still worth it.
God i love serving food in prison.
Did you hear the story about the dwarf who was caught climbing down a prison wall?
It was a little condescending.
Prison is just one word.
But for some people it's a whole sentence.
How does a prisoner make a call?
He uses a cell phone...
A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.
He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."
A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"
Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"
3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.
Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"
Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."
Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"
Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"
Inmate 1: "I arrived at work on time, that's how they figured out I smuggled in a watch from the west."
Why do prison guards use Proactive?
To prevent breakouts.
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall
It was a little condescending
