Prison Jokes
178 prison jokes and hilarious prison puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prison that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of prison jokes. These funny jokes are sure to have you in stitches.
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Funniest Prison Short Jokes
Short prison jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prison humour may include short jail jokes also.
- So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
- My brother who has a stutter is in prison. It's just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
- bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
- "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
- If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria... I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
- Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape. Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down. - Policeman: You're going to prison for forgery. Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?
- As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests. My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
- There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
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Prison One Liners
Which prison one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prison? I can suggest the ones about inmate and jail cell.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- What do you call Andrew Tate in a romanian prison? In-cell
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
- What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn o into an O .
- I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall It was a little condescending
- I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
- Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.
- What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia
- Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent further breakouts.
- I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
- What do you call it when prisoners take their own mugshots? Cellfies
^I'm^so^sorry - A policeman and a prisoner play chess. The policeman beats him.
- I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ... They hang around bars 24/7.
Prison Escape Jokes
Here is a list of funny prison escape jokes and even better prison escape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!
- A psychic midget has escaped from prison.. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
- A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper "Small medium at large"
- I was playing a prison simulator when the batteries in my keyboard died. Now I can't escape.
- A dwarf, that happens to be a mystic, escapes from prison. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
- It was very easy to escape from prison. The WiFi was so bad that there were zero bars on my cell.
- What do you call a fortune-telling dwarf who's escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
- A prison van and a cement truck collided Several hardened criminals escaped
- Did you hear about that Dwarf psychic that just escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
- While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck. Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Escape From Prison Jokes
Here is a list of funny escape from prison jokes and even better escape from prison puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a vertically challenged person who's escaped from prison and can commune with the dead? A small medium at large.
- What's Brown and Black and looks good on an escaped prisoner A German Shepherd
- Did you hear about the tunnel the escaped prisoners dug under the jail? It was a runaway success.
- This weekend a ghost whispering midget escaped from federal prison Now there's a small medium at large
- What did the police dispatcher say when a short psychic woman escaped from prison? Calling all units, we have a small medium at large
- Fortune Teller The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large!
- Did you hear about the prison escape? Those guys found the convenience of Home Depot delivery really shaves time off a project.
- What does the prisoner press on the computer The escape button
- Man in prison After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!
- Did you hear about the prisoner who escaped after dismantling his cell? They say it was self defence.
Escaped Prison Jokes
Here is a list of funny escaped prison jokes and even better escaped prison puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Yesterday I saw a midget escaping prison. As he went down its walls with a rope, he noticed me staring at him, so he looked at me with disgust.
"That's a little con descending" I thought - A few prisoners escaped prison in a car made of bones.. It was a marrow escape.
- How did the Ethiopian escape prison? He squeezed through the bars.
- A clairvoyant A clairvoyant dwarf escaped Maidstone prison this week
Police are looking for a small medium at large! - A midget is in prison plotting escape He waits til night, and throws a rope over the wall and climbs over. As he's climbing down, a guard notices and thinks, That's a little condescending.
- What do you call a dwarf physic who just escaped prison A small medium at large!
- A man escapes from prison. What are his initials? S. K. P.
- Did you hear the joke about that terrible high security prison? Whoops, sorry, it escaped me.
- This just in: a cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway. The prisoners tried to escape across the river, but they were wearing cement overshoes.
- What do you call a goat that escaped prison? A-scapegoat
Prison Sentence Jokes
Here is a list of funny prison sentence jokes and even better prison sentence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
- Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day? Because all sentences should end with a period.
- Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark? Period.
Because it marks the end of a sentence. - Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison. Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?
Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years. - My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn't finished his sentence
- A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested. He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.
- Hey, remember how we used to finish each other's sentences when we were younger? Well I'm in prison now and I really need a favour
- Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18
- Less time in prison than he deserved why did the convict get? Because the sentence got mixed up.
- R.Kelly has decided to contest his 30 year prison sentence He wants it reduced to something below 14 years .
Prison Officer Jokes
Here is a list of funny prison officer jokes and even better prison officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison." "Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."
- A police officer gets thee years in prison for Just kidding, police officers never get a full sentence.
Uproarious Prison Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about prison you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean behind bars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prison pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...
The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.
After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.
He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.
Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't like s**... in the shower.
It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.
Why is Facebook like a prison?
Because you write on walls and people you don't know poke you.
Jesus loves you.
A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Jesus loves you" can be very comforting words...
unless you hear them in a Mexican prison
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...
The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."
What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?
G'day mate!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kennedy's USSR joke
A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.
A man is spending his first night in prison...
He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water...
...I can walk on babies.
Therefore I am...
...In prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much c**... can a smuggler sneak into prison?
a buttload.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
Why was the prison poetry slam cancelled?
There were more cons than prose
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.
Surely we don't need that many guards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is walking by a prison....
...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.
The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
My husband doesn't like my new job as a librarian in the prison.
He says it has more cons than prose
Remember when you were young and you used to blow bubbles?
Well I heard he's out of prison and he's been looking for you...
What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?
A South African prison has an Oscar
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
78% of black men like s**... in the shower
The other 22% haven't been to prison yet
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.
I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower s**...
The other 10% have never been to prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus loves you.
These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison.
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.
It's full of convex.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."
A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
"Jesus loves you."
A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I take the bus to school
So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
A cannibal was in prison.
One day, he ate his cellmate. The warden did not believe he had eaten the man. The cannibal threw up his hands in frustration.
I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field
I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a prison break was happening...
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents
My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If prisoners could take their own mugshots...
They'd be called CELLFIES
I'll see myself out.
I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job...
...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus loves you.
A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end
You'll go to prison for a very long time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had s**... in the shower.
The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.
I'm starting a club that discusses the good and bad parts of poetry in prison.
It's called "Prose and Cons"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...
When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...
I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.
He replied with 'Fuck off you p**...!'
I work in a prison.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
I was walking past a prison the other day, and
I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.
I thought to myself, now that's a little con descending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall...
I thought, that's a little condescending.
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...
Unless you're in prison
A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing e**....
I just wish it had been mine.
