Prison Inmates Jokes
62 prison inmates jokes and hilarious prison inmates puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prison inmates that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Prison Inmates Short Jokes
Short prison inmates jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prison inmates humour may include short inmate jokes also.
- As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests. My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
- I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay It's got prose and cons.
- A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here" - Inmates on death row should have prison ID's ending in .EXE Because, eventually, they are all executable.
- There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program. Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.
- Prisons nationwide have integrated the Hokey-Pokey into their physical education program. They think it will help the inmates turn their lives around.
- You know that prison joke where all the inmates know all the jokes already? r/jokes is the prison
- Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"? Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"
- Did you hear about the book written by the inmate in the New York State Prison? It got an early release for good behavior.
- Japenese inmates on death row aren't given their date of death by the prison staff. I guess they just want to leave them hanging.
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Prison Inmates One Liners
Which prison inmates one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prison inmates? I can suggest the ones about prisoner and prison officer.
- Some inmates were complaining about the prison they're in The walls aren't built to scale
- What did the warden say to the new prisoner ? Come in-mate.
- It's okay to drop the soap in prison.. .. your fellow inmates got your back.
- Do you know what makes good license plates? Prison inmates.
- How does a recently transferred prisoner greet his new inmate? New cell, hu dis?
- How do inmates pay for things in prison? With ConCurrency, of course.
- How do prison inmates thank each other? By saying "Shank you very much!"
- You know what s**... in prison is called? Inmating
- What do you call a prison inmate with a skin disease? A l**...-Con
- Your daddy's so fat that when he went to prison... ...it took 4 inmates just to r**... him.
Ridiculous Prison Inmates Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about prison inmates you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prison food jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prison inmates pranks.
A joke my father told me.
I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;
A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.
The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.
"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."
Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.
The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".
Silence.
He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied
"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the prison shower
A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a t**...!"
*Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
Topical Jokes for 6/17
(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.
New prison guard on the beat...
... and while he's making his rounds with his partner he hears an inmate shout "38!" and everyone chuckles.
A while later another inmate yells "13!" and there's uproarious laughter.
So the new guy asks his partner what's going on. "Oh that? These guys have been here so long, they all know the same jokes by now. Save time, just give 'em a number." New guy shrugs and they continue on their way.
Well, a third inmate yells "26!"
Nothing. Not a peep.
The older guard turns to the new guy and says "yeah... some guys just can't tell a joke."
[it's one of my favorites]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend is a prison warden currently doing sensitivity training. His homework entails "What would you do if you saw two curious inmates indulging in i**...? "
I said "Why can't we just let bi-cons be bi-cons?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know when an Australian prisoner is r**... another prisoner?
When they're in an inmate mate
An old soviet joke.
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.
New inmate at prison.
A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.
"Hey man, it's not so bad here. Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"
"Yeah, I like movies."
"Great! Every Monday we have a movie night. Let me ask you something else. Do you like baseball?"
"Yes, I like baseball."
"Great! Every Tuesday we go outside and play baseball in the yard. Let me ask you, do you like Italian food?"
"Yes, I do."
"That's fantastic! Every Wednesday we have a pasta night. Now let me ask you one more thing. You aren't by any chance a homosexual, are you?"
"No. No, I am not."
"Ohhh...well you're not going to like Thursdays."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I take the bus to school
So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*Politics* Year 2019, two inmates are talking in a prison:
\- What are you here for?
\- I wrote a comic s**... saying that our president was an idiot.
\- Did they charge you under an article for rioting or harassment then?
\- For disclosure of classified information.
The job training program for prison inmates took a turn when they let the murderers perform stand-up...
They slew the audience. Everyone was literally in pieces.
There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks
Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.
Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were shunning them. In the middle of the night they did exactly that. They were caught though, and ended up going to prison where, being much smaller than the human inmates, they had a very bad time.
So in the end, seizing the meanies of pro duck shun didn't make the pro Le Tariat any happier.
A freshly skinned Italian apple arrives in prison...
Another inmate asks him what happened and the apple replies "I lost my appeal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?
They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.
How did the prison guard react when the inmate arrived on the elevator?
Very condescending.
A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.
A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."
Did you hear the Japanese sumo wrestling team lost to a group of prison inmates?
I guess the cons outweighed the pros.
A team of black inmates play basketball against a team of white inmates in prison. The black inmates win. Why?
Home court advantage.
What did the suicidal prisoner say when he was stabbed by another inmate?
Shank you very much!
Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?
It was a little condescending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man named Adam is being sent to prison
On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a t**...!"
A man is visiting a prison. Suddenly, on his right, a man yells "20!" And everyone dies of laughter.
After the laughter dies down, a different man yells "5!", getting the same reaction.
When the visitor asks an inmate, "What's going on?", the visitor replies "Well, we've all been here so long, we numbered our jokes. So when we say a specific number, everyone remembers the same joke."
So the visitor says "Let me try", and calls out "12!"
The visitor was met with stone-cold silence.
Embarrassed, the visitor turns to leave. But as he's at the door, he asks an inmate "What happened?"
To which the inmate replied "You told it wrong, man."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New inmates are lined up to go into prison
Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"
Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"
The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. You?"
Inmate 1 says "a harmonica. May as well learn to play it while I got the time".
The man behind them says "Man y'all are dumb. Look what *I* got. He shows them his new unopened box of tampons.
They ask "Why the actual h**... are you bringing tampons into prison?"
He says "Look right here! The box says with these I can go horseback riding, go swimming, play tennis..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bunch if prisoners are sitting around telling jokes
After being locked up for such a long time, they got tired of repeating the same jokes over and over again, so they decided to just give each joke a number.
12! yelled out one of the prisoners, and everyone burst out laughing.
49! yelled out another, and again everyone burst out laughing.
22! yelled out o**... from the back, and suddenly it was quiet. No one laughed. After a long moment of awkward silence, one of the inmates leaned over to another and said, Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke.
Two inmates languish in a pitch dark prison cell. Ben shines a torch to a tiny window 15 feet from the floor and said: "Joe, you climb up by grasping this beam of light until you reach the window. Freedom awaits!" Joe shakes his head. Ben: "Why not?"
"When I'm halfway up, you might turn off the torch..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you go to jail for this?
A d**... enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this d**..., but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."
Hole in the wall
A guy was walking next to a prison and he could hear the inmates shouting repeadetly "SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN". The curiosity got the better out of him and he decided to take a peek through a small hole he saw in the wall. The man screamed in agony as he got poked in the eye from the other side and the inmates started shouting "EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A prison did a study on inmate morale by building them a fully accessible library
**It had its prose and cons.**
*modified joke, original idea by* /u/Cybersad3021
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate
A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate.
Inmate #1: so, why are you here?
Inmate #2: I'm in prison for something I didn't do.
Inmate #1: yeah?
Inmate #2: yea, I didn't wipe off the fingerprints from the m**... weapon.