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Prison Guard Jokes

80 prison guard jokes and hilarious prison guard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prison guard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Prison Guard Short Jokes

Short prison guard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prison guard humour may include short prison warden jokes also.

  1. Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape. Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
    Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
  2. I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards.
  3. A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal. She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"
  4. How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs? None, he fell.
  5. On Death Row Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
    Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?
  6. Guard: Get in your cell Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.
    Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
    Actually, I do
  7. Prisoner The prisoner cried, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!"
    The guard responded, "I'm not mad, just disappointed."
    Remember kids, never let your guard down.
  8. What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help? "I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."
  9. Turkish Joke A prisoner goes to the warden and asks for a book. The guard makes a phone call then says:
    We don't have the book but we have the author across the hall.
  10. What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing? Shanks for nothing.
    ~
    What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?
    Shanks but no shanks.

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Prison Guard One Liners

Which prison guard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prison guard? I can suggest the ones about prison officer and security guard.

  1. Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent further breakouts.
  2. How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs? None, he fell.
  3. Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent breakouts.
  4. What do you call a prison guard who is very particular about his food? Warden Ramsay
  5. What'd the cold prisoner do when the female guard came to his cell? Shiv 'er.
  6. What did the cat say to the prison guard? Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!
  7. Apple have begun making prison guards... Apparently they like to lock up.
  8. What was the prison guards last words to Aaron Hernandez? Hang in there.
  9. Why was Mac OS X hired as the prison guard? Because he kept locking up.
  10. If Shaquille O'Neal was sent to prison, what would the guards put on him? Shaqles
  11. What should you do if you get a c**... stuck inside you? Call one of the prison guards

Cheerful Prison Guard Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about prison guard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean armed guards jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prison guard pranks.

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks....

The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says "woof" and the guard goes "Oh it's just a dog" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes "meow" and the guard says "it's just a cat". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes "potatoes".

An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...

...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.
The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees realize that they'll be caught if they keep on running, and decide to take cover by climbing up separate trees.
The dogs start circling the tree, and jumping up and down around the trunk on the very tree the American has climbed. The guards shout "Come down or we'll shoot!" Thinking quickly, he quickly calls down "who! who!" The German guards say to each other "Das ist eine owl", and call the dogs off.
The dogs follow the trail to the second tree, and the guards call up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Brit calls down "CAW! CAW!!!" The guards say "Ahh. Das ist eine crow".
The guards follow the dogs to the third tree where the Irishman had climbed. Again they called up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Irishman thought for a moment and then called down "Moo! Moo!"
***NOT MINE: ** Shamelessly stolen from an Irish joke book I had as a kid. Yes, I am Irish.*

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a Swiss man...

Were about to be locked up in a German prison for 5 years. The guard says to each one of them, "I will give you each one thing." The Englishman says, " well I'll take 5 years worth of beer." So the Englishman gets his beer and they lock him up. The Frenchman says " well I'll have 5 years worth of brandy." So he gets his brandy and gets locked up. The Swiss man says, " 5 years of smokes will be fine for me." So he gets his smokes and they lock him up. 5 years later they let the Englishman out, who is rather drunk. They let the Frenchman out, who is even more drunk. Lastly they let the Swiss man out, who then says " anyone got a light?"

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day finally comes, they strap him into the chair and the guard throws the switch. Sparks fly and smoke curls upward from the straps and skullcap, but the old man is unhurt. The switch is thrown again and again, but always with the same result. Finally he is released from the chair, and the next day the governor commutes his sentence to life in prison.
When a reporter asks him about the incident and why he thought he survived, the man replies, "Well, I've always been a poor conductor."

Easy way to farm

A man robbed a bank and hid out for a year before getting caught by the police but they still don't know where the money is.
When he gets caught he's sentenced to 25 years in prison.
While in prison he gets a call so he calls his wife and after a little conversation about life she asks,
"I don't know when to plant the potatoes, when is a good time to plant the potatoes and should I hire someone to till the garden?"
He replies "I'll have the rototilling done by tomorrow, you can plant them right afterwards."
Confused she just says "ok." And hangs up the phone.
Afterwards while the man is sitting in his cell he tells one of the guards " I can't hold it in any longer, I buried the money in my garden."

Guillotine execution

3 prisoners in line to be executed confronted with their last words:
~Guard: "What are your last words?" Prisoner 1: "I pray that god spares me, shows that I'm innocent & sets me free" Then they put his head under ready for decapitation, cutting the rope, it goes 1/3rd of the way down & stops, saving his life. Guard: "It must be god, you must be innocent, you're free to go!"
~Guard: "What are your last words?" Prisoner 2: "I pray that god spares me, shows that I'm innocent & sets me free" Then they put his head under ready for decapitation, cutting the rope, it goes 2/3rd's of the way down & stops, saving his life. Guard: "It must be god again, you must also be innocent, you're free to go too!"
~Guard: "What are your last words?" Prisoner 3: "Yea you need to oil that dumb thing"

What is the difference between a prison guard and a member of Congress

One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reaching out his hand.
"Emelio, look!"
Emelio looks, he sees nothing.
"Ramon, what's wrong? What is it?"
"Look at that tree, Emelio! Bacon sprouts from its branches! We are saved!"
"Ramon, it's just a mirage, there's nothing there!"
Ramon summons up all his strength and runs for the tree, Emelio still protesting that it's nothing but a mirage.
Five prison guards pop up from the sand and fire on Ramon, knocking him to the ground, fatally wounded.
Emelio runs to his brother's side.
"Jesus, Ramon, are you okay?"
"Emelio...it wasn't a bacon tree...it was a hambush"

What do...

11 African Americans call a white person? A coach. What do 100 African Americans call a white person? A prison guard. What do millions of white people call an African American? President.

A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...

They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.

Topical Jokes for 6/17

(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

two guys were talking about their ancestors

o**... said
"My great grandfather was in a concentration camp when he died when he tried to escape"
"that's funny" said the other guy
"whys that?" questioned the other
"my great grandad was killed when he fell out of a guard tower onto an escaping prisoner."

a brunette, ad red head, and a blonde escape from prison

The three ladies hatch a plot to escape from prison by hiding in a laundry truck. As soon as the truck stops, they jump out and make a run for it.
Being in the middle of nowhere they head for a plume of smoke that seems to be coming from a chimney.
Upon arriving at a farm, they hear sirens and dogs barking not far behind them.
In a panic, the ladies run into a barn and close the door.
Looking for a place to hide, they find three burlap sacks on the ground, and each one climbs inside a sack.
Hiding quietly, they hear the barn door open and the prison warden followed by three guards walk in.
the warden walks up to a sack and kicks it. the brunette inside yelps, "ruff, ruff, ruff!"
"eh, just some puppies" says the warden.
the warden walks up to the sack where the redhead is hiding, kicks it, and hears "meow, meow", and says "eh, just some kittens".
So he walks up to the sack where the blond is hiding, kicks it and hears "potatoes, potatoes!"

New prison guard on the beat...

... and while he's making his rounds with his partner he hears an inmate shout "38!" and everyone chuckles.
A while later another inmate yells "13!" and there's uproarious laughter.
So the new guy asks his partner what's going on. "Oh that? These guys have been here so long, they all know the same jokes by now. Save time, just give 'em a number." New guy shrugs and they continue on their way.
Well, a third inmate yells "26!"
Nothing. Not a peep.
The older guard turns to the new guy and says "yeah... some guys just can't tell a joke."
[it's one of my favorites]

3 convicts escape from prison...

They hear the guards and dogs chasing them so they decide to run up a stand of trees. the guards come to the first tree with the dogs and say "hey! anyone up there?" The convict thinks for a second then goes "meow" the guards thinking its just a cat and continue along with the dogs.
they come up to the second tree and again ask "anyone up there?" to which the convict replies with "c**...-a-doodle-do" and the guards think its just a chicken and continue on.
The guards come up to the third three with the dogs just baying like mad and think they must be nuts but still say "anyone up there?" To which the convict replies "mooo!"

Australia beat England in their matchup in the Rugby World Cup.

I guess you could say the prisoners beat the guards.

How many jail guards does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it matter? Everyone knows the prison system can't change anything.

A White Guy.

If a white guy is surrounded by 3 black guys, he's getting robbed. 30 black guys, he's a football coach. 300 black guys he's a prison guard.

What do you call the concentration camp prisoners who kept pestering the guards with questions?

Askanazi Jews

Did you hear about the snarky prisoner who smarted off to the guard on the elevator?

He was a condescending con, descending.

A Pole, a German and a Russian go to prison...

A Pole, a German and a Russian are sent to prison. They each receive a 50-year sentence with no parole. The guard, when putting them in their cells, shows mercy on them and offers to give each of them a small supply of their favourite things to occupy their times. The Pole picks a collection of books by his favourite author, the German picks a case of strong beer, and the Russian picks a huge pack of cigarettes. After the 50 years pass, the guard checks on his prisoners. The Pole thanks the guard for allowing him to gain knowledge in his time, the German complains that he ran out of alcohol a week into his sentence, and the Russian asks the guard for a lighter.

Yesterday I was walking past the state prison

and saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down from the concrete wall, screaming insults at the guards.
I thought, "Well, thats a little condescending little con descending"

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.
The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.
The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.
The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...

... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.
The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.
The redhead leaves second. She is smarter and swims more slowly, but just as she passed half way a shark eats her.
The blonde, a natural athlete, embarks on her perilous swim. Miraculously, she avoids all sharks and swims until she is only 50m from the shoreline!
Exhausted, she says, "It's too far, I can't make it!", and swims back.

Too guys trying to escape a prison

Last fence they have to jump has bells on it. First guy jumps, touches the wires and the bells ring.
They guard says:- Who goes there?
The guy makes a noise:-Meow!
Guard says: -oh, its just a cat.
Second guy jumps, hits the wires, bells ring.
Guard says: -Who goes there?
Second guy:-Just another cat.

Acne Medicine

Why does acne medicine make a good prison guard? It's great at preventing breakouts.

How did the prison guard react when the inmate arrived on the elevator?

Very condescending.

A son calls his mom from jail

Hey mom, bad news, I'm in for life.
Shut up Frank you're a prison guard.

Turkish gallows humor

A prisoner goes to the prison library, and asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

Turkish Political Humor

Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter

A prisoner was on death row...

When the guard asked him what his final meal was, he said an all you can eat buffet please .

A midget is in prison plotting escape

He waits til night, and throws a rope over the wall and climbs over. As he's climbing down, a guard notices and thinks, That's a little condescending.

In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the n**...'s most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

This is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

A man's last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait

While working as a prison guard in Prague, part of my job included a lot of walking up and down the prison corridors.

I used to pass a lot of bad Czechs.

New inmates are lined up to go into prison

Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"
Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"
The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. You?"
Inmate 1 says "a harmonica. May as well learn to play it while I got the time".
The man behind them says "Man y'all are dumb. Look what *I* got. He shows them his new unopened box of tampons.
They ask "Why the actual h**... are you bringing tampons into prison?"
He says "Look right here! The box says with these I can go horseback riding, go swimming, play tennis..."

A prison guard is trying to catch someone escaping

The prisoner was a little person who climbed the fence and as he was going down the other side he laughed at the guard. The guard watched in disbelief thinking, "Now that is a little con-decending."

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer's, and all prison guards at Maxwell's detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

There are 3 guys in prison...

The guard asks the first guy how high he can jump. 1 meter he awnsers. Okay says the guard you get 1 sandwich.
#
The guard goes to next prisoner and asks how high the man can jump. 2 meters he says. Okay says the guard you get 2 sandwiches.
#
The third guy who was listening thought in his head: I am hungry, if I say I can jump 20 meters I get 20 sandwiches.
#
So the guard asks the last man how high he can jump. 20 meters says the man.
##GET HIM
Shouts the guard.
##HE CAN JUMP OVER THE WALL

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!
Guard: What you in for?
Prisoner: Attempted m**....
OC

A prisoner who is on death row has been sentenced to death by hanging and is standing on the platform being prepped for execution…

Just before the execution takes place, the prison guard looks at the prisoner and asked them if they had any last words.
The prisoner then says Man, my neck is killing me today!

jokes about prison guard