Priests Jokes

Following is our collection of preist humor and priest one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Priests puns for adults, dirty paedophiles jokes or clean catholicism gags for kids.

There is an abundance of two priests jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes on priests. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any the new priest witze you can hear about priests.

The Best jokes about Priests

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

We'll do it.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious


Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—

Alright officer, we'll do it


Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A drunk walks up to two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."

The second priest gives the same answer.

The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"

[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.

The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.

"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

Three priests walk into a bar

and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"

Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"?

Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...


Two catholic priests get into a traffic check...

The cop says "We are looking for two pedophiles".
The priest rolls up the window and starts furiously arguing with the other priest. After a couple of minutes, he rolls down the window again: "We'd be up for it".

2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...

A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."

The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.

He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.

The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .

"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.

I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?

What if you have an accident?

The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.

The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.

If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

Two priests in a car...

... as a cop pulls them over.
"Sir, we are looking for two child molesters..."
The priests look at each other and after a short moment the driver says:
"Okay, we'll do it"

What do guns and priests have in common?

They should never be left alone with children.

Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"?

"Daddy" would be too obvious.

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?  


"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

Why do Catholic priests like golf?

Because most of the holes are under 18.

Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...

...they are pulled over by a police officer.

The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."

The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.

Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

It's good that we aren't hearing about priests in the news lately.

It seems that kids these days are finally learning how to keep a secret.

New dating app for German Catholic Priests

Kinder

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square...

The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'"
The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!"
The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "Your Eminence!"
The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: "My son's the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says "Your Holiness!"
So, after proudly talking about their kids they look over at the woman with them kind of as if to say "and you?"
The woman says: I've got a daughter, she's got knockout face, DDs, and a 24 waist, whenever she walks into a room everyone says "OH MY GOD!"

Five atheists are driving in a car

Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church.

A sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"

The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!

Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!

One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop...

... One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.

Dear Father, I've sinned

A man walks into the confessional and says

'Dear Father, I've sinned, I've slept with a mother and daughter at the same time.'


And the priest says 'thank you my son, may I ask how long its been since your last confession'


'I've never been to a confession, I'm Jewish'


so the priests asks 'Then why are you telling me?'


'Because I'm telling everyone'.

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

A cop pulls over two catholic priests and says "I"m looking for two child molesters"...

And the priests reply; "We'll do it!"

Why do priests have you call them Father..

Because 'Daddy' was too obvious

Pittsburgh

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.

The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

Latvian Joke

Bus full of priests come to Latvia, spread word of God. One priest ask Latvian man "Where is children?" Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.

A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so one day they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim...

Of course they're swimming naked (as one does in a remote lake). All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognize me by my face."

Why do priests love to go fishing with kids?

So they have someone to hold their rod.

Two priests were driving down a road...

Two priests were driving down a road when they were pulled over by a police officer.

The officer said, I'm looking for two child molesters

The priests took a moment to think, and then in unison said we'll do it!

What's a priests favourite chord on a guitar

A minor

Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.

The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."

The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

[NSFW] What's the difference between priests and pimples?

Pimples only come on your face after you turn twelve.

Jesus loves all the children of the world

But then again, so do priests

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.

Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."

Three priests are in a boat in the middle of the lake...

...when one realizes he needs to relieve himself. Being a decent man, he decides that he will go in the woods on the shore. This priest folds his hands and begins to say a prayer before leaving the boat. Miraculously he steps out of the boat onto the surface of the water and easily walks to the shore without getting wet. Once he returns, the second priest realized he forgot something on the shore, he bows, repeats the prayer and walks over the water to the shore and soon returns with a basket of food. Astonished, the third priest proclaims, "You have been given a gift of Jesus by saying a simple prayer!" After this proclamation the third priest says the prayer and jumps out of the boat into the water followed by a huge splash of cold water as he plunges beneath the surface. It is at this point that the first priest turns to the second and asks, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones??"

So i was trying to come up with a short joke about Catholic priests...

But all the little ones were taken :v

They say you are what you eat..

..no wonder some priests are such immature dicks.

What dating app do priests use?

Kinder

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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