Priest Jokes
150 priest jokes and hilarious priest puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about priest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
No profession is entirely exempted from the reach of humor, not even the solemn world of priesthood. A touch of tasteful and respectful hilarity has a way of humanizing all walks of life, and our compilation of priest jokes does just that.
Ideal for enhancing camaraderie among church communities, adding a dash of levity to a serious sermon, or simply for sharing during a friendly conversation, these jokes are sure to evoke a chuckle while respecting sanctity and faith. Even in spiritual discourse, humor has its place to connect, engage, and share the joy of togetherness.
So, let's journey through our collection of tasteful clerical quips, guaranteed to bring a little light-hearted laughter to your day. Remember, faith and fun can — and do — go hand in hand!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Priest Short Jokes
Short priest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The priest humour may include short clergy jokes also.
- What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."
- When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.
- Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
- A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood The nurse asks, what's your blood type?
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O" - I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops... a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke
- Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat? They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.
- A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit What can I get you to drink .
The rabbit says I have no idea, I'm only here because of autocorrect . - Did you hear about the guy who had to be exorcised? He couldn't pay the priest afterwards and got repossessed.
- Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
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Priest One Liners
Which priest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with priest? I can suggest the ones about preacher and pastor.
- What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law
- Why are catholic priests called father? Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
- Forgive me father, priest, preacher, reverend, for I have synonymed.
- What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) alien vs. Predator
- What does a priest put on salad? Lettuce spray
- what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays? Nun.
- "I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today," said the Aztec high priest.
- How did the priest find the little boy in the tall grass? Delightful
- I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest It's his altar ego
- I was gonna tell a priest joke... But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.
- What do guns and priests have in common? They should never be left alone with children.
- What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray
- How did the blind priest find the choir boys? Satisfying.
- World of Warcraft. The only time I let my 9 year old play with a priest.
- An inverse exorcism... When you have to summon Satan to get the priest out of the boy.
Catholic Priest Jokes
Here is a list of funny catholic priest jokes and even better catholic priest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
- How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator
- What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.
- What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.
- New dating app for German Catholic Priests Kinder
- A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass." - How did the catholic priest play the piano? In A minor.
- A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass." - What's the difference between a Catholic priest and spots? Spots don't usually come on your face until you're around 13
- Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion? He was a Ramen Catholic.
Priest And Rabbi Jokes
Here is a list of funny priest and rabbi jokes and even better priest and rabbi puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A priest, a rabbi, and a chicken walk into a bar. The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street." - A Rabbi and a Priest run out of a burning school. The Priest stops and says,"What about the children?"
The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"
The Priest asks,"Do you think we have time?" - A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"
- A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them.
- A priest, a rabbi and penguin walk into a bar IT'S THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
- What's the difference between a Rabbi and a Priest? Both have different rituals for 13 year old boys.
- A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
- A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are having a discussion about miracles...
- A Priest, A Rabbi, and A Minister All Had to Go to the Hospital They got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much
- A priest and an imam walk into a bar... the rabbi ducks.
A Priest Walks Into A Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny a priest walks into a bar jokes and even better a priest walks into a bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"
- A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
The bartender says "that'll be 2020" - A peadophile, a conman and a priest walk into a bar. What can I get for you father? Asks the barman.
- A Catholic priest walks into a bar He didn't realize his cell was so small
- A priest, a bishop and a rabbi walk into a bar... ... they see Ellen Pao and leave for the bar across the street.
- A priest, blonde, jew, black guy, chinese guy, and a gay guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
- A penguin, a priest, and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
- A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Gorilla walk into a bar The Gorilla looks around and says
"I must be in the wrong joke" - So a priest walks into a bar... Looks at the ugly walls, and says to the bartender:
"My son, you must repaint". - A ninja, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, Good to see you two
Priest And Nun Jokes
Here is a list of funny priest and nun jokes and even better priest and nun puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Who won the race between the priest and the nun? It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious. - What kind of fun do priests have? Nun
- Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun? He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
- A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times... She replied with: "I can't help it, I have a bad habit."
- How many Women Priest are there? Nun.
- My parents are really religious My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
- A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"
- There once was a priest from Siberia... whose morals were rather inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And made her a mother superior. - Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries.
- A priest, a nun and a sailor walks into a bar The bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Priest Rabbi Minister Jokes
Here is a list of funny priest rabbi minister jokes and even better priest rabbi minister puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar... The bartender says "If you're not freaking out about Net Neutrality right now, you're not paying attention."
- I recently had a wakeup call when I had a priest, then a rabbi, then a minister all tell me I had a drinking problem. Boy, I'm glad they all walked into that bar when they did.
- Another tale from the bar. A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a monkey, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
- A man walks into a parallel universe and sits down at the bar. In comes a priest, a rabbi and a minister
- A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are all in a rowboat. Despite their differences, they have a lovely afternoon.
- A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a library.... The librarian stops them. "What, do you think this is a BAR?"
- A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
*No, wait...*
Cheerful Fun Priest Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about priest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vicar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make priest pranks.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
Drunk in confession booth.
A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".
Why did the priest go to the gym?
For muscle mass.
I thought of this one in the shower this morning.
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
Man goes to a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between w**... from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.
He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop m**....
He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at a f**... & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist s**... bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**...
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest m**....
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called m**...," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My priest is surprisingly homophobic...
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
A church has a rat problem
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest, a p**... and a r**... walk into a bar
And that was just the first guy
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest was confronted by a p**....
"Do want a q**... for ten bucks?"
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a q**...?"
The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop m**...
##
## But he wouldn't.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins
Just be a catholic priest
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?
**Psalm 81:10.**
**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.
As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.
The man says, Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest says, Get out,you idiot. You're on my side.
Girl: Daddy, I'm sorry I've been a bad girl
Priest: For the last time, it's 'forgive me Father, for I have sinned'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)
The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost
So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My p**... smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.
He's now a high priest.
In a confession booth...
ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.
PRIEST: You forgot pride.
ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.
It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.
Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his c**..., while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.
When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"
To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"
A Higgs boson walks into a church, goes into the confessional and tells the priest that he's thinking of leaving the church
The priest says, my son, you can't leave the church!
The Higgs boson replies but I must, I am having a real crisis of faith!
The priest says, you don't understand, if you leave then we can't have mass!
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.
After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."
The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."
The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said. "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Priest asked little Johnny:
"Aren't you scared to meet Satan?"
Johnny: "You're the one who should be scared because
you talk s**... about him every Sunday...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
Me: "I can't stop singing b**... Ladies."
Priest: "How long has it been since your last confession?"
Me: "It's been..."
A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.
The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"
The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"
The Bishop nods his head yes.
The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "
A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion
when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"
The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."
The rabbi asked, "And then?"
The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."
The rabbi again asked, "And then?"
The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"
The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"
The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'
A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.
As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.
A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says
"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."
"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"
"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.
As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he of course refuses. Arriving back at the abbey, he happens upon the Mother Superior. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "Mother...er...what's a naughty?
She replies "Two hundred dollars, just like in Kings Cross."
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
War
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a priest who always lies?
A pathological friar.
An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.
He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"
A priest is walking around looking for the supermarket.
He sees a drug addict sitting on the ground and asks him for directions.
The addict shows him the way and goes back to his spot on the ground.
The priest starts to head his way but his heart goes out to the poor man so he returns to him.
"Young man I see that you are struggling, let me help you find your way to heaven"
The addict looks him up and down and says "Dude, you couldn't find the supermarket! You expect me to follow you to heaven?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic priest, a predator and a criminal walk into a bar
He ordered a beer
