Priest And Nun Jokes

112 priest and nun jokes and hilarious priest and nun puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about priest and nun that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Priest And Nun Short Jokes

Short priest and nun jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The priest and nun humour may include short two nuns jokes also.

  1. Who won the race between the priest and the nun? It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.
    I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
  2. A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
    The bartender says "that'll be 2020"
  3. A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
  4. Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun? He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
  5. A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times... She replied with: "I can't help it, I have a bad habit."
  6. There once was a priest from Siberia... whose morals were rather inferior.
    He did to a nun
    What he shouldn't have done
    And made her a mother superior.
  7. Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries.
  8. A priest, a nun and a sailor walks into a bar The bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
  9. Why was the young priest frustrated after spending the night in a convent? He didn't get nun.
  10. A couple of priests were brainstorming ideas of how to get more women involved with the church. They had a few ideas but Nun stood out.

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Priest And Nun One Liners

Which priest and nun one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with priest and nun? I can suggest the ones about two priests and priest and altar boy.

  1. what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays? Nun.
  2. What kind of fun do priests have? Nun
  3. How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ? Nun
  4. How many Women Priest are there? Nun.
  5. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
  6. My parents are really religious My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
  7. A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"
  8. How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun? You dress her up like an altar boy
  9. No meat What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
  10. What is a priest's favorite type of meat? Nun.
  11. How many habits does a priest wear? Nun.
  12. What type of fun does a priest have? Nun.
  13. What do you call a priest who dresses in nuns' clothing? A transistor
  14. Why does a priest never get married? Because they got nun to love them
  15. Where do nuns and priests swim on their vacation? Celebes Sea.

Ridiculous Priest And Nun Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about priest and nun you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean catholic nun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make priest and nun pranks.

A priest, a nun and a h**... walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

But really, its easier to r**... little boys in the dark.

A newly ordained priest is sent to Las Vegas, to be the leader of a small congregation in a seedy area.

That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a p**..., who says to him, "Hey father, you want a b**...? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.
The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a b**...?"
She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the s**...."

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"

A priest and a nun are golfing...

The priest misses a putt and yells " d**... I missed!" The nun tells him not to swear because God won't approve of it. On the next hole the priest hits a bad shot and yells once again " d**... I missed" and the nun tells him," don't swear anymore or the sky will open up and God will strike you down" . On the next hole the priest once again messes up and once again yells "d**... I missed!" At that point the sky opened up and the nun gets struck by lighting. The priest looks up with astonishment and from the sky he hears " d**... I missed!"

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A priest and a nun ...

... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,

A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...

...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"

So a priest is taking a bath late at night

So a priest is taking a bath late at night when he remembered that he forgot his soap in his room, he figured it's late and no one will be up so he rushed to his room without a towel around his waist, he got the soap but on his way back he heard two nuns walking by so he stands by the wall like a statue. The two nuns walk up to him and one of them says to the other "Look, it's that soap dispenser they said they were gonna bring" and she pulls his d**..., he quickly drops his soap. The second nun says "Oh, cool! I want to that too" and she pulls his thing and nothing happens so she tries a few more times then she turns to the first nun and says "Oh! I got liquid soap!".

How much s**... does a priest have?


A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"

Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.

The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The second nun said "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The deaf nun shouts "which priest you talking about?"

Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest's desk.

The first one says "I found n**... pictures on his desk so I tore them".
The second one says "good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them".
The third nun fainted.

A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head...

The priest doesn't know what head is but he figures it's bad if it is something she's confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can't get this "head" out of his head, so he asks the nun, "Sister, can I ask you a question? What's head."
"Same is in town, Father, $20"

A nun, a priest and a politician...

are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"

Three nuns go to a priest...

And they say that they each want to commit a sin before they die. They priest tells them to go commit their sins on friday, and he will hear their confessions on saturday. So the nuns go commit their sins and on saturday the first nun goes to confession. The Priest asks "What are your sins?" The nun says that she had s**... relations with a man. The Priest says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The second nun goes to the priest and he also asks what her sins are. "She says that she participated in a t**.... The Priest again says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The third nun goes to the priest and he says "What are your sins." The nun replies "I peed in the holy water."

Priest and nun playing golf.

A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: the nun succeded at the first strike, the priest threw it in the woods and started yelling: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The nun started complaining. Third hole, and following same exact scene. The priest shouts: "Fxxx! I've missed!" louder and louder. After another couple of holes, the nun said: "Enough! Stop dirty talking! If I hear you once more, may the sky strike you with a lightning!". The priest is very sorry and keep playing in silence. On the last hole, the nun scores in one strike. The priest threw the ball in a sand bunker and yelled: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The sky open itself and a enormous lightning strikes... the nun! From above the priest heard a voice: "Fxxx! I've missed!"

A rabbi, a priest and a nun ...

A rabbi, a priest and a nun were walking down a forest path chatting whence all of a sudden a bright light appeared and an angel came forth saying that God had offered each of them a small piece of cloth to do as they please with.
The rabbi exulted that he will fashion it into a skull cap and was so pleased that he promised immediately to return to the same spot every day for the rest of his life to see if he could procure even more holy cloth.
The priest said he will fashion it into a dog collar and also return to the same spot in the hope of getting more.
The rabbi and priest both looked at the nun as she stood their defiantly......"I'm NOT making a habit out of this".

A young priest...

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**... stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a b**...." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**....
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**...?"
And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same as on the street."

Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.

A priest is walking down the street...

And a h**... shouts and says, "$20 for a h**...!", but the priest keeps walking.
Later that day, the priest asks a nun "what is a h**...?"
The nun replies, "$20, same as in town"

A Catholic priest is asked to describe his s**... life.

"Well," he says, "if I'm not having nun, I'm having very little."

What did the nun say to the priest?

Shut up

Another nun joke..

One day in a monastery, the nuns all gathered for morning prayers. The head nun stood up and said "Last night, someone was out after curfew."
99 nuns gasp, one nun goes "Teeheehee"
The head nun continues, "Not only was this person out after curfew, but she was seeing a man!"
99 nuns gasp, one nun goes "Teeheehee"
"The only reason we know this is because the priest found a broken c**... in the confession stand!"
One nun gasps, 99 nuns go "Teeheehee"

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a farmer, his daughter, a horse, a black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

A naive young priest is sent to New York City...

... and while waking through the park is approached by a s**...-clad p**....
"Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!"
He doesn't understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles "no thank you" and hurries Back to the church.
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, "hey sister what's 'head'?
"Ten bucks same as in the park."

When Catholic priests and nuns take their vows, do they throw a party?

We should call that celibating.

A priest is doing some community work downtown...

...when he is propositioned by a h**....
"Hey Father, I'll give the best b**... of your life for $10."
Confused, the priest replies "No thank you, my dear."
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
"Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what's a b**...?"
"Oh, you know," says the nun, "$10, same as downtown."

What is the only meat a Catholic Priest is allowed to eat on Good Friday?


The only s**... a priest got on Friday...

Was nun!

A nun goes to confession....

A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn p**... under my dress for about 3 years ".
The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".

What sort of meat do you feed a priest?


A priest was driving A nun to church...

But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun
"Im sorry sister but i have been dreaming of doing this"
he proceeds to stop driving and he put his hands under her robes and s**... her legs.
The nun replies with
"Father, remember Psalm 143:24"
The Priest responds with
"Im sorry sister but the flesh is weak"
The Father sees the cross in their car and is reminded that he should not be doing this
He says
"Im sorry sister, i have given to temptation"
The nun sighs and they continue driving.
When they reach the church, out of curiosity the priest finds a bible and checks Psalm 143:24
it says.
"Go further up and you will find what you seek"

Does a Priest have a wife?

He has nun.

Two Priests Walk Into A Bar...

The Nuns Duck.

How much b**... does a priest get?


Why do priests have s**... with altar boys?

Otherwise, they're getting nun.

What did the priest say about consorting with the sisters of the church?

Nun is better!

How did the church know that the Priest was having an Affair with the Nuns?

Because they heard them call the priest Daddy instead of Father.

A kid asked a priest...

"Father, besides praying do you have any other pass-time?"
The priest tapped the kids cheek & calmly replied:
"Nun my child, Nun".

what kind of s**... does a priest get?


I went to a church looking for the priest.

But I found nun

Why did the priest have s**... with the altar boy?

Better than nun.

A priest was confronted by a p**....

"Do want a q**... for ten bucks?"
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a q**...?"
The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."

What type of meat would a vegetarian priest eat?


A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

A priest and a nun both walk into a bar.

One ducks, and the other says "ouch!".

Me and my wife dressed up as a nun and priest for Halloween.

Told her she usually calls me daddy.
But tonight she'll call me father.

What do you call a priest who is also a Renaissance man?

A jack of all trades, master of nuns.

A nun and a priest

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God d**..., I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God d**..., I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD d**... I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God d**..., I missed".

A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says

...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.

Why are nuns always angrier than priests?

Nuns can't have s**...

When it comes to my favorite members of the religious community

Priests are second to nun.

The only meat a priest can eat on a sunday

is Nun

I realized why priests always have s**... scandals with boys

There are women around but they don't want nun

How many women have you slept with?

Interviewer: How many women have you slept with?
Priest: Nun

What do nuns and priests have in common?

They both hit little boys with their sticks.

Why are there siginificantly more nuns than priests?

'Cause 'He' is definitely pronoun.

Priest and a nun

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes...

After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".

What meat does a priest eat?


Why did Bryan Cranston dress up as a priest and go around exorcising nuns' clothing?

He was breaking bad habits.

Three nuns

There were three nuns and they said that they were going to do on sin each. The priest says ok, do your sins, come back and I will bless you. So they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first woman, who was laughing, what her sin was. She replied:" I had s**... with a guy." So the priest forgave her and let her drink the holy water.
The next nun came and was laughing harder and said: "I got in a fight with another nun." The priest forgave her and let her drink from the holy water.
The last nun was laughing the most and said:"I peed in the holy water!"

Why priests aren't married?

Because they have nun to love them

jokes about priest and nun