The Best 66 Pries Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Pries jokes. There are some pries athiest jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pries camembert puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Pries Jokes and Puns
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
A Priest, a Homosexual, and a Pedophile walk into a bar...
And he orders a beer.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...
Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your genitals?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."
Two priests in a car...
... as a cop pulls them over.
"Sir, we are looking for two child molesters..."
The priests look at each other and after a short moment the driver says:
"Okay, we'll do it"
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "Goddammit I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "Goddammit I missed"
A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
A priest and a nun ...
... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,
...
...
"GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN DAMNED BLANKET YA HARPY!"
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
You can explore pries nosy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pries lid dad jokes. There are also pries puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
A Priest and a Prostitute
One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
Why did the priest go to the gym?
For muscle mass.
I thought of this one in the shower this morning.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
A priest and a shepherd...
... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...
... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "
Nearly everyone raised their hands.
"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."
2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...
A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."
The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.
He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"
So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar
...he orders a drink
Three priests walk into a bar
and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"
A priest asks the murderer at the electric chair....
-"Do you have any last requests?
-"Yes,can you please hold my hand?"
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
A priest, a theif, and a child molester enters a bar.
He buys a drink.
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
My priest is surprisingly homophobic...
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
A priest, a rabbi, and a chicken walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street."
Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?
They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
A priest is pulled over for speeding...
Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing
How did the priest find the little boy in the tall grass?
Delightful
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar
And that was just the first guy
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
If a priest became a lawyer, what would he be?
A Father-in-law
A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
A priest was confronted by a prostitute.
"Do want a quickie for ten bucks?"
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a quickie?"
The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.
God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.
What does a priest put on salad?
Lettuce spray
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a weiner?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's weiner"
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my weiner?"
All the children stood up.
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.
The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.
The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.
The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.
A Priest a rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit,what'll you have?
The rabbit says" I don't know I'm only here because of auto correct".
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
The bartender says "that'll be 2020"
A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent
The rabbit says "I might be a type O"
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit What can I get you to drink .
The rabbit says I have no idea, I'm only here because of autocorrect .
A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic
The Priest says: I'm a type A
The Minister says: I'm a type B
The Rabbit says: I think I'm a typo.
A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood
The nurse asks, what's your blood type?
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: What's your blood group?
The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.
The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?" The rabbit replies,
"I dunno... I'm just here because of autocorrect."
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk in to a blood donation clinic
The nurse asked the rabbit, What's your blood type?
I'm probably a type-O said the rabbit.
A priest, a lawyer, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...
... and the nurse asks, "what types are you?"
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type o."
A priest is on a plane
A stewardess aproaches him and asks:
Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."
Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"
Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"
Priest: "Well then i will just take a bottle of water, the boss might see me otherwise"
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.
After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."
The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."
The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said. "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
A Priest walks into a coal mine after hours.
He ask, where are all the miners?
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.
A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...
"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."
The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."
The priest nodded and then raised an eyebrow. "Twice a week? That's got to be pretty expensive!"
"Not at all," said the old man. "She goes out on Thursdays, and I go out on Sundays."
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center.
The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."
The Priest asked little Johnny:
"Aren't you scared to meet Satan?"
Johnny: "You're the one who should be scared because
you talk shit about him every Sunday...."
A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.
The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"
The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"
The Bishop nods his head yes.
The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pries inquisitive jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working pries prise piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.