Prices Jokes

What are some Prices jokes?

90's kids won't get this πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Affordable housing prices

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

Β£20 for a hand job


Β£50 for a blow job


Β£80 for sex


And for Β£120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

A shopkeeper was dismayed...

when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading LOWEST PRICES! He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

Why did the balloon prices go up?

Because of inflation.

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

With petrol prices now at Β£1.30 a litre

...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead

What do black people drive?

house prices down

An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...

After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.

One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.

The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?

He thinks about it for a moment before replying.

What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?

A rose?

Oh! Yes!

He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?

Three women share a birthday and celebrate it together

For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because its quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because its wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they've never been there before.

2 Men walk into a bar

One man looks at the prices and says: "These beers are too pricey, With the money I have I can only buy one beer." The other gets an idea. So they buy a sausage and go back to the bar.

After a couple of bears one man puts the sausage in his pants and the other starts sucking it, the bartender kicks them out of the bar without them having to pay.

They do this all night and get kicked out of 7 bars, at the 8th bar one man says: "this sausage is getting sour" the other replies with "The sausage? I lost that thing at the third bar"

Why did balloon prices keep rising?

Because they had to adjust for inflation.

Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get a beer and a shot of whiskey on the house!"

Not to be outdone, the tourist from Poland says, "that's nothing. Back in Warsaw, not only were the drinks free but they took you to a room in the back where you had sex!"

The other two tourists are amazed, they say, "that's incredible! That really happened to you?"

The Polish tourist says, "well, not to me but to my sister."

Why do they call it Black Friday?

Because the prices are so good you are practically stealing.

Man, I sure am mad about the rising bullet prices...

Now I get less bang for my buck!

Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...

Balloon prices are going to go sky high.

Why are housing prices in Toronto falling?

Because the market got flooded.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.

So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Why does a blonde lay on the floor while shopping?

To look for the lowest prices.

In order for United Airlines to keep their business...

They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

Electrons love a bargain

An electron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "what kind of specials do you have today?"

Bartender says "for you, all prices are reduced".

At the rise of the USSR....

Vodka prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, "Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"
he responded, "no this means you're gonna eat less."

A little Irish humor

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits Β£5.00 each, Shirts Β£2.00 each, Trousers Β£2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at Β£5.00 each, 100 shirts at Β£2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at Β£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for?

The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.

A Gorilla walks into a pub

And asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman pulls him a pint, and says, "That'll be Β£6.50 please".

The gorilla takes a sip of his pint, and the barman says to him "You know, we don't get that many gorillas in here..."

The gorilla gulps down his beer, and informs the batman, "Well I'm not surprised at those prices..."

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

There once was a florist

There once was a florist with a fairly successful flower stand on the side of the road.

One day, three friars set up a competing flower stand across the street. Since everyone wanted to buy their flowers from the men of god, the florist began losing all his business to the friars. He tried everything from flashy advertising to lowering his prices to offering exotic flower types, but nothing worked and soon his business had run completely dry.

So one night, the florist hires a hitman named Hugh. Hugh goes across the street, smashes the friars' flowers and pots and breaks up their stand - proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Bad] Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu?

The prices were gastronomical...

(I'll show myself out...)

Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.?

... because the prices were Solo

Did you hear that the prices of tampons have gone down recently?

Yeah, no strings attached!

Have you heard about the music stores percussion sale?

Their prices can't be beat

Have you heard about their guitar sale?

The prices are solo

WalMart's own brand of wine

WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

Why is a man crouching in the store?

Searching for low prices

A man goes to a restaurant

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"

The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."

Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

What goes up must come down. But what doesn't?

Gas prices

Now Neymar can go home and work at Walmart...

Help them roll back their prices!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

The food is amazing but there's no atmosphere and the prices are out of this world!

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?

United Airlines new motto:

"Our prices can't be beat, but you can."

Prices are going up

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, They are going to raise the price so, I'm stocking up.

The other woman replied, I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight.

I passed a group of Girl Scouts this morning, with a stall that read..

.."Home-Made Lemonade: Β£15.00, Oral Sex: Β£5.00"

"Here's twenty pounds, girls, but I think you've got your prices mixed up," I chuckled.

"Once you've finished going down on me, you'll be gagging for that lemonade," said the sweaty fat one.

What happened when there was a global helium shortage?

Prices ballooned.

Alienware

With prices out of this world.

Two lizards walk into a bar

and the bartender says, "We don't get many lizards in here." The first lizard replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised!"


(My brother told this one when we were kids.. I don't know where he got it but think he and a friend made it up. Stupid but it still makes me laugh)

A man walks into a sculptors studio and says...

"I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"

The sculptor says " woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"

The man replied " I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself"

Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

They threw me out of the cinema today...

They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven't had a barbecue in months. Β 

Airline Prices

Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. "Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50."

So Bill Gates hires a prostitute...

After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant.

Bill asked him "was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?" Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.

In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Divine'".

She answered "Thank-you, and now I know why you call your company Microsoft."

The prices of bouncy houses are twice as much as last year...

I guess that's inflation for you.

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

Why should you never buy from a dog?

Because prices go through the woof

So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...

And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.

I looked in my pocket and i had $200.

But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thirft store for something better.

When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.

But those were all used vacuum cleaners, and some of them were in a real bad shape.

So i went into another store, this one was especially fancy.

One was $500 the other was $400, but i had no money for that!

I went home feeling sad and angry for the rest of the day.

But thinking back now, there is no reasom to be sad because of it, they all suck anyway

Have you seen the new ticket prices for Alton Towers?

Admission now costs an arm and a leg!

The prices of getting waxed keep going up and up

it's starting to become a real rip-off.

Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews?

They're nuts.

Toy for a birthday.

A man went to a toy store in order to buy his daughter a toy for her birthday.
He asked an employee for a popular girl toy. The employee offered a Barbie.
The man asked for prices and so the employee started listing them out:

"we have a normal Barbie for 30$,
dancer Barbie for 50$,
nurse Barbie for 50$,
and divorced Barbie for 500$"

"500$?!?!? Why is it so expensive?"

"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's villa and Ken's wealth"

A new restaurant opened in space!

Mixed reviews so far. The food is over the moon, but prices are sky high and there's no atmosphere at all.

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

"How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The man has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"

The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."

Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop?

She was trying to find the lowest prices

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

Medical prices these days are ridiculous

Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Did you know that United Airlines has the cheapest prices!

Therefore, their prices are unbeatable!!!!!!..... but their customers aren't.

Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

I wanted to buy an electric car

And the prices were shocking

A conversation I just had.

Friend - "My Dad just bought a condo in Afghanistan, what an idiot."

Me - "Are you kidding? Those real estate prices are set to explode."

Why don't many customers go to the tea house?

Because the prices are so steep

So I found a great new barber practiced In the art of wet shaving.

His name is Sweeney Todd he is a little rough with the edges but you sure can't beat his cut-throat prices.

Why should you always buy weed at schools for the blind?

Better strain at lower prices, they have chronic blindness.

With oil prices falling...

Burning the midnight oil just got cheaper.

What do you call the study of food prices?

EcoNOM-NOM-NOMics.

How to make Prices jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Prices to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Prices? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Prices pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes