prices Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious prices stories

What are the best prices puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Prices? Well here is a complete list of the top prices jokes:

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

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Why are housing prices in Toronto falling?

Because the market got flooded.

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I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.

So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

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Electrons love a bargain

An electron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "what kind of specials do you have today?"

Bartender says "for you, all prices are reduced".

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At the rise of the USSR....

Vodka prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, "Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"
he responded, "no this means you're gonna eat less."

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Have you heard about the music stores percussion sale?

Their prices can't be beat

Have you heard about their guitar sale?

The prices are solo

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Toy for a birthday.

A man went to a toy store in order to buy his daughter a toy for her birthday.
He asked an employee for a popular girl toy. The employee offered a Barbie.
The man asked for prices and so the employee started listing them out:

"we have a normal Barbie for 30$,
dancer Barbie for 50$,
nurse Barbie for 50$,
and divorced Barbie for 500$"

"500$?!?!? Why is it so expensive?"

"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's villa and Ken's wealth"

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Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

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Prices

So I'm sitting there, talking to my friend about the price of buying new York city. When out of nowhere, this girl screams out "OH MY GOD ITS A GOLF CLUB" now naturally, being the stupid person I am, immediately snap my neck 90° and feel my bones shatter. So I scream "gosh darn I broke my neck over a golf club".

Turns out someone got a golf club stabbed through their chest.

I guess it was a real shattering experience for me!

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A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

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So three businessmen, an Englishman, an American and a Jap, are playing golf...

...and they're trying to impress each other with new technologies their companies have developed. The Englishman says 'These sunglasses I'm wearing have a Heads-Up Display so I can check the latest share prices instantly'. The others look impressed, but the American says 'Well, I have a chip implanted in my brain that feeds the details of my next meeting to me instantly'. The others clap in appreciation, then the Jap runs off to the bushes and squats down with a look of intense concentration of his face. 'What's the matter?'. 'I've got a fax coming through!'

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Old Spice Man

Ladies, look at me, now look at the gas prices, now back at me, now at the gas prices, now back at me... I'm on a horse!

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A couple loses their jobs and end up in such deep financial trouble that they agree the wife should turn to prostitution.

The girl is out on the street for the first time, with her husband hiding around a corner. A car stops, and they guy asks how much to have sex. The couple forgot to work out prices in advance, so she tells the guy to hold on, and runs around the corner to ask her husband. The husband says, "Tell him it's $100."

She runs back and tells the guy, and he says that's too much. He asks how much for a hand job. Again, she excuses herself and runs back to her husband. He says, "Tell him that's $40."

She goes back to the guy's car, informs him of the price, and he agrees. He unzips his fly and whips out his dick - which is huge. The wife says, "Hold on another minute".

She runs back to her husband, who says, "Now what???". She asks, "Can you loan me $60?"

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A little Irish humor

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

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WalMart's own brand of wine

WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

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Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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A little late for this bandwagon, but here's my favorite dirty limerick

On the breasts of a bartendress in Yale

Were tattooed all the prices of ale.

And on her behind

For the sake of the blind

Was the same information in braille.

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I was approached on the street the other day by a young escort. Couldn't have been older than 13. I was absolutely appalled...

...by her prices. Way more than I usually pay!

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A man goes to a restaurant

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"

The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."

Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best prices jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 21 puns about prices. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty prices gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these prices jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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