Amusing & Witty Price Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
The right price
A man approaches a woman in a bar:
-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have sex with me?
-- Yes, of course.
-- But what if I give you only $50?
-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?
-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.
Woman buys parrot
A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"
So you like limericks, huh?
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braile.
Woof
A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."
5 boxes for a dollar...
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She says, "That can't be right!"
The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
A guy walks into a Bar....
..and walks up to a beautiful woman. He asks her if she would have sex with him for $10,000. She thinks about and says she would. He then asks her if she would have sex with him for $100. Disgusted, she declares, What kind of woman do you think I am? He replies, we have already established that, now I'm just negotiating price.
A dog walks into a telegraph office
He goes up to the counter and asks to send a message. It reads "woof, woof, woof." The lady says you know, for the same price, you could add another woof.
The dog gives her a confused look and says "but that would make no sense!"
A man offers a woman at a bar a million dollars...
to have sex with him, after not much debate the woman agrees and says "absolutely".
The man with a smile on his face then says "will you have sex with me for $100".
The woman snarls back at him "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man gingerly replies "We have already determined that, we are just discussing price now."
An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.
He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."
One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."
The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"
A man walks up to a girl on the street
He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Clerk says, "What's your message?"
Dog says, "Woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "You know, for the same price, you can fit one more 'woof' in."
Dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
You can explore price upfront reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean price discount dad jokes. There are also price puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Bob Barker looks good for 91 years old.
... but hey anyone can look good if the price is right.
A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex
"Sure, why not" replies the girl.
"And what about $10?" the boy asks.
"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"
"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
You can't put a price on slippery lemons.
A man at a party sees a very attractive woman
He walks up and says, "You are beautiful and I have to have you. Would you sleep with me for $2,000?"
"Yes." She says.
He walks away and comes back and says, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"
She gets angry and says, "What kind of woman do you thing I am!?"
Guy says, "We've already established that. Now we are simply negotiating the price. "
The price of oil has dropped so far that...
Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets?
They take the señor discount.
A dog goes into a telegraph office
A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.
The dog looks confused and replies, But that would make no sense at all."
An economist found himself one night in a bar standing beside a gorgeous woman.
"Would you be willing to sleep with me for $1 million? he asked her.
She looked him over. There wasn't much to see—but still, $1 million! She agreed to go back to his room.
All right then, he said. Would you be willing to sleep with me for $100?
A hundred dollars! she shot back. What do you think I am, a prostitute?
We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating the price.
The price of balloons is said to rise.
It's only logical with all the inflation.
What do you call a cheap wig?
A small price toupée.
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.
She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."
A man from out of town walks into a bar...
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do
Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.
She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"
On the plane
A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
I went shopping with my wife.
Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.
People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.
The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.
Balloons For Sale!
They're 10c each or if you want them filled its 20c
Ive adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
Man, I really want a Tesla Roadster...
But the price keeps skyrocketing!
What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?
You won two, three for five six nations tickets
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.
Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy
at $157 Facebook stock price
Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?
Healthcare.
A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.
Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"
Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"
Man: "How about ten dollars?"
Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"
Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggling about the price."
A man is walking trough the red light district..
He stops at a window with a beautiful girl behind it, takes good look, knocks on the window and yells: 'HOW MUCH!!?'
She: '€50,- !!!'
He: 'THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD PRICE FOR TRIPLE INSULATED GLASS!!!'
So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.
So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I thought we had already established what you are, we are just haggling over the price.
I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.
I guess that's the price of inflation
This Goat walks into a post office
And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense."
A mom tells her son to buy some vegetables
She says to bargain, and try offer the seller half the price
Son: Sir, how much does a bag of vegetable cost?
Seller: 8
Son: I will offer you 4
Seller: What about 6
Son: 3
Seller: Alright, I will sell it for 4
Son: 2
Seller: 3
Son: 1.50
Seller: Kid, you are bargaining too much, I might as well give you a bag for free.
Son: Give me 2 bags
So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand
Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"
What's the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?
Walking the Planck.
It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or
When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Says he wants to send a message.
"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".
Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."
I bought a wig for a dollar today
It was a small price toupee.
Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale
I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.
Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?
The Price of wood is so damn high.....
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.
I could almost afford a small popcorn.
A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"
Grocer: $1
Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?
Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.
Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.
What did the bird say to the price tag?
Cheep!
(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)
Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...
...they say it's a terrible ore deal.
(An ore-ful joke, I know.)
A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."
The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sells the bear the beer. "You know," says the clerk, "we don't get many bears around here." To which the bear replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to
Absolute naansense
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink
The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"
Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.
Now there's a price on my head.
Got home from work and the kids had been on ebay all day
If they're still there tomorrow I'll lower the price.
Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires…
They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
Just got myself a new wig for $1
It was a small price toupee
Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
The wife and I were at the car dealership the other day...
I told the salesman that we were looking for a Subaru Outback then he hit me with a
*"What's wrong with the ones Outfront?"*
At that point I was prepared to offer him full sticker price for whatever because anything less would've been a disservice.
Everyone's complaining about the price of gas but I just got gas for $1.50
It was from a Taco Bell...
I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking.....
......I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.
Some people think that wigs are expensive.
But really it's just a small price toupee..
Chinese takeout,,,
### Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
# Riceless
I was fed-up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece.
It was a small price toupee.
for all the ladies waiting for their prince on a white horse
Keep up your hopes. With price of fuel it could happen any day now
A man and his wife are shopping together.
The man puts a case of beer in the cart and she says Put that back on the shelf!
So they continue shopping and the wife puts face cream in the cart and he asks What the hell do you need that for? The wife says It makes me look pretty! The husband replies So does the beer and it's on sale for half price!
Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra virgin?
Me: *tearing up* No it's the same price
I was at the garden supply center and noticed the price of manure has almost doubled.
Shit's getting expensive.
Businessman
Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
A dog walks into a telegraph office
He says to the operator take a message.
"Bark bark bark, bark bark bark, bark bark; bark."
The operator says "You could send ten barks for the same price."
The dog replies "Well then it wouldn't make any sense."
Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?
Because they only use one side of the church
A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there's so little of it?
Well, said the barber, I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you're paying for is my searching for it.
In the early 90's, a lonely stray dog wanted a friend and got an idea when reading an old paper...
So the dog walked into the local paper to place an advert in the social column. "I'm lonely" advised the dog "please place an ad that reads: *Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof. Woof*."
The sales consultant writes it all down before offering "I'll let you in on a secret, for the same price, I can actually add two more woofs?".
Came the reply from the dog "But - then it wouldn't make sense?"
A man goes into a bar and sees a woman
He asks "Would you spend the night with me for $10,000 dollars". The woman says" Yes". The man then asks if she would stay the night for $1.00. Her response is "No, what do you think I am?" The man then says, "We have established what you are and now are negotiating the price".
A woman went to buy a parrot from a pet shop
She found one for only £5. She took it to the shopkeeper, and asked if the price was right. The shopkeeper said "he's that price because he lived in a brothel for 3 years."
The woman thought that it would be fine, so bought the parrot.
When she got it home, the parrot looked around, saying things like:
"A chair, yes. Very fine very fine."
"A coffee machine. Very fine."
The woman's children walked in.
"Ah, children, very fine very fine."
The woman's husband walked in.
"Hello Keith"
Supermarkets are putting up the price of vodka by 1p to £20.00 from tomorrow.
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99...
What's the difference between the Mafia and Price Waterhouse Cooper?
The Mafia have a code of honour.
