Pretty Jokes

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a s**... forest

A little upset to find out he came back

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....

I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

A wife gets n**...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my s**... body?' 
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

So a doctor has s**... with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have s**... with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.
(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty n**... things together.
Sincerely,
7

My s**... life and gaming life are pretty similar.

I play a lot of single player.

Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...

Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for o**....

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations

but all brooms are pretty much the same.

My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

I went to a party last night...

..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.

My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

Call it a hunch...

But I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.

So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little d**... will get it."

I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty"

Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-Sure.
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.

The first time I had s**... was in my parents' bedroom

My girlfriend said "it's pretty awkward".
"Just ignore them", I said.

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."

I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my s**... body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

My Southern friends are like "K"s

they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. o**... says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.
​
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?
Don't worry about it, it's tearable!
{I'm sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.
See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.