The Best 60 Pretty Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

A wife gets naked

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.

So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

If you call a girl pretty, she'll forget after a day.

If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...

How is that a bad thing? I wondered.

He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I'm going to try a fig.

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It's a pretty good µ-boat.

I became a proud father today....

My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're actually pretty light.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.

Yet the woman wed the second man.

Because no matter how gross you pictured him to be...

The first man was just a little grocer.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're pretty light.

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

Mama, how did I get my name?

(USA-centric)

"Mama, how did I get my name?"

"Why do you need to know, Loquinda?"

"It's for my homework."

"Well, I was staying at a LaQuinta Inn the night you were conceived. So I just rearranged the letters a bit to make a pretty name."

"Oh. That's cool. How did my brother get his name?"

"Which one, Arvey or Suppurate?"

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?

Pretty good.

American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome...

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.