pretty Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pretty stories

What are the best Pretty puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pretty? Well here is a complete list of Pretty to have fun with:

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

---

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [*insert name of one of the listeners*]?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

35 years ago...

A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.

The woman asks:

"What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 35 years ago?"

" I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman,as she undid her robe.

"I think I did a pretty good job!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.

The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"

The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"

The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"

The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

bright orange penis

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.

The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Paddy dies a terrible death...

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A wife gets naked

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'Β 

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Sportsman's Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once saw a girl with 12 nipples

It sounds pretty fucking strange, dozen tit?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A toilet was stolen from a police station today...

It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The naked cowboy

**Naked Cowboy**

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three Aussie guys...

Three Aussie guys, Gazza, Bazza and Wozza, were working on a high-rise building in Woolloomooloo. Unfortunately, Gazza falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bazza says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Wozza says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bazza says, 'Where did you get that, Wozza?'
'Gazza's wife gave it to me.'

Bazza continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Wozza said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Gazza's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Beer you are.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

the homeless woman

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. He decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it...

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She then tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."


The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."


The man thought hard and long about how each of the women had spent the money, he then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Diane Perish

*How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank

*I'm So Greedy* by Jenna Russ

*How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic

*How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day

*Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti

*Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat

*Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye

*Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net

*Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover

*The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum

*Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott

*The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe

*Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane

πŸ‘πŸΌ

10 Funny Pun Jokes

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? *He's all right now*

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. *It's impossible to put down.*

3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. *Then it hit me.*

4. I'm glad I know sign language, *it's pretty handy.*

5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, *he just didn't have the balls to do it.*

6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, *but eventually it came back to me.*

7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, *but I got over it.*

8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said *'Keep off the Grass'.*

9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? *He was lucky it was a soft drink.*
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This is why I don't tell Math jokes

The average maths joke is pretty mean

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does the letter K have in common with my cousins

They are ok by themselves, but they get pretty racist when there are three of them together

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mom sent me this joke

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

27% of women think their ass is too fat.

9% of women think their ass is too skinny.

And the remaining 64% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Opinions are like assholes...

if you get paid to share your opinion with the masses, you probably have a pretty big opinion.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best pretty jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty pretty gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these pretty jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Pretty jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Pretty joke? You are free to share every Pretty joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes