Pretty Face Jokes

An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?" "Surprise," says the old man and hands her a s**... tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely n**... and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a c**...? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the c**....
As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another c**... because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second c**....
As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more c**.... Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third c**....
During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".
Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".

A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had s**... in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have c**... Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.
He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have c**... Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.
6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have c**... Charlie though".
Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and c**... Charlie, right?"
"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.
"c**... Charlie doesn't swing that way either".

The Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
(credit to wetwillyone)

my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit and answered,
Me "Yes"
Customer "do you know what a tiger is?"
I figured he was implying the tiger to be like a cougar(as in an older woman seeking young men) but i wasn't sure.
Me "i don't think so, what is it?"
Customer "Its a cougar with stretch marks!"
I started to laugh pretty hard. Was so taken off guard by his answer that I dropped the manure fork on my boots.
Me "Good show! You my good man, are my favourite for today."
He smiled and I gave him a discount on all his items.

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man...

are waiting in a hospital for each of their respective wives to give birth. Obviously they are quite nervous, pacing up and down etc when a rather red faced doctor comes out. he turns to the three men and says "I'm afraid we an issue, there's been a bit of a mix up with your newborns and we aren't sure whose is whose."
As this is a joke, instead of calling their lawyers immediately the three men decide between themselves that they will go into the room with the babies one by one to see if they feel any connection with any of them to get an idea as to which baby is which. The Englishman goes in first, as is his right, and is in there for quite a while. After 15 minutes he comes out with a child who is for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani's child. The Pakistani turns to him and says "I'm not being funny but I'm pretty sure that baby is mine."
The Englishman turns to him, looks him in the eye and replies "I know mate, but one of the others is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances"

So I was playing Golf toady.

I was solo and decided just to get partnered up at the Club house. After a little bit I was partnered with this fairly lovely lady. We went out playing and started chatting it up. We were laughing and talking and finding out we have a lot in common. though all the fun though we were not actually playing very well. By the time we got to the 18th hole we both had pretty difficult putts ( I was 25 feet on a bad lie and she was slightly closer on the same lie )
I had been enjoying my time with her so much I made her a deal. I told her if I made the putt I would take her out to dinner ( if she didn't mind ) at one of the best restaurants on the island. I lined up and hit the ball after a tense moment the ball passed the cup but stopped and rolled back dropping in.
I guess she didn't want to be out done, so she turns to me and says. " If I make this putt, after dinner I will invite you back to my place for drinks. We can relax in my hot tub and drink Champagne and see what happens from there, but only if I make this putt."
Hearing her proposal I quickly walk up to her and ask her to let me help her line up the putt. She agrees. So I walk up to her ball bending down and pick it up, then handing it back to her. She looks at me and asks me what am I doing? I look back at her with a straight face and tell her " That's a gimmie if I ever saw one "

A knock at the door

Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.
He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.
On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.
Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty n**... bug going around."

This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat.

His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had s**... with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.
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From Mark Z. Danielewski's "House of Leaves".

The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...

When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"

Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.
After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.
That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President.
"I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said.
"Aye, nae bother!" said the Scotsman.
"That's an interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?"
"Glasgow," Joe replied.
The President look perplexed. "Glasgow? Sorry, what state is that in?"
"Oh, pretty much the same as New York is now."

So yesterday I was getting a mole removed...

The dermatologist explained that since it grew back looking cancerous, they'd have to cut a bigger section out, which would require a few stitches. Anyways, the procedure is underway, and I'm laying face down as they're cutting into me. It's a little quiet so I try to lighten the atmosphere with a joke.
"You guys know that this mole spoke to me. It could actually talk!" The nurse was a little confused by this and responded, weakly "oh, really?". I said "Yeah, he used to talk to me all the time. He said I could never tell anyone that he was on my back, because 'Snitches... Get Stitches.'"
It was pretty silent after that. The doctor let out a snort/cough/chuckle after thinking about it. But I'm still not sure if the joke was worth the awkwardness.

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to talk? Would you let me drink for free?" The bartender quickly rebuts. "A talking dog? Sure, why not" So the man looks to his dog and asks Ol' Scruffy; "Scruffy! Tell this barkeep what keeps this bar dry during rainy days" "Ruff!" the dog says. The bartender, now frustrated, says "Ok Pal, Where's my $3.50?" The man waves him off and explains that Scruffy is merely jesting and orders another shot, which the bartender pours and watches the shot disappear. "Ok Scruffy, who is the greatest baseball player that has ever played the game?" "Ruff!" The dog replies with a wagging tail. The bartender now gets fed up with the man and his "talking" dog and throws them to the street. The man gets up, wipes his face and looks to Scruffy. Scruffy looks up and says "Well, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio"

A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.
Would you like anything? She says.
The man says, Yes, are my t**... black?
The nurse is very confused.
I don't know, sir. She says.
Please check, He says, if my t**... are black .
The woman is still confused, but she decides to check. She lifts up his hospital gown, sees that everything is in order, and puts it back down.
Well, sir, she says, you are fine. Your t**... are not black .
That's great, now listen closely, the man says, removing the oxygen mask from his face, *are my test results back?*

Little Johnny

It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.
"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"
"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."
"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"
"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."
"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"
"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."
"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."
"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."
"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."
"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"

I burned both of my ears!

Came off the ambulance, straight to the ER. Both his ears have melted, and he can barely hear as air can't pass by properly. Nurse checks his ear, and is confused. The rest of his face is perfectly fine. She asks him "how did you burn that ear?" "What?!" replies the man in pain. "I said HOW DID YOU BURN THAT EAR". He musters his strength and says "I was ironing my shirt, I was really late to a meeting, then suddenly my house phone rang, in a moment of stupidity i picked up the iron and put it on my ear." Trying to hold back her laughter, she exclaimed "but how did you burn the other ear?" "What?" "HOW DID YOU BURN THE OTHER EAR?!" "Well, that idiot called me again!".
(I first heard this one in the early 90s, back when home phones were pretty common, well more common than now).

One day, there was a school where a class had just started...

The teacher said to the class, "OK kids! it's time to say what do you wish to be when you grow up" And so she went wih all the kids.
"I want to be a doctor" replied a small and innocent-looking girl.
"I wish to be a firefighter!" said a boy that showed no signs of fear.
"I wish to be an Idiot" Replied one very confident boy.
I'M SORRY? exclaimed the teacher, her stunned face expressed a mind that couldn't understand why would a boy say that.
"It's just that one day I was walking with my dad and a few of his friends through a store, when a very pretty woman passed by us and one of my daddy's friends said: Look at that beautiful woman walk, and the idiot she has with her"

A train goes under a tunnel.

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.
The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."
The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."
The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."
The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

It is Bob's anniversary

It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just s**... up in a major way, but before he could make amends his wife kicked him while shouting " IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS AGAIN THERE HAD BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 200 IN LESS THAN 3 SECONDS". When Bob's wife woke up in the morning there was a small box in the driveway. She opened the box and in side she found : a bathroom scale.
Bob Has Been Missing since monday

[nsfw] A man goes to the pharmacy

He asks to buy a c**..., He tells the pharmacist "well, I am going to my new girlfriends place for dinner tonight, I need a c**... for s**... time with my girlfriend". He buys the c**... and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, He comes back and says "well, actually, my girlfriends sister is pretty hot, maybe I should have one more c**...". He buys the c**... and leaves the store, but on the way out, He turns around and says "now I think about it, her mom is pretty hot as well, let me get one last c**...". He buys the c**... and then leaves the store.
Later that day, at his girlfriends place, they sit at the table, the whole family, (the man, the girlfriend, her Sister, her mom and her dad). The man is sitting in praying position with his hands folded in front of his face, looking down at the table. His girlfriend then whispers to him "I didn't know you were religious", the man answers "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist"

A guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a c**... for tonight's dinner at his girlfriends house

Pharmacist at counter: " just one c**...? You sure?"
Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot...lets make it two condoms."
Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?"
Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too."
That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat.
Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?"
Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."

Flood

A man hears that a flood will happen. He goes to the attic, with one window to look out on. He starts to pray with god.
**Man:** Oh god, can you please rescue me from Satan's flood?
**God:** Of course you can get rescued!
The flood by now flooded a quarter of the first floor. An SUV pulls up on the driveway.
**SUV Driver**: Hop in if you want to live!
**Man:** No thanks, God will rescue me.
The SUV drives off.
A half hour passes. The flood starts to reach the attic. A raft wades into the scene.
**Raft Rider:** Get on my raft if you want to live.
**Man:** No thank you, God will rescue me.
**Raft Rider:** I am pretty sure you are going to die but whatever.
The raft wades away from the house.
Now the flood has taken over the attic.
The man accepts his fate and drowns.
When he ended up at Heaven, God's angry face is over the gates.
**Man:** You didn't rescue me!
**God:** I tried to! I sent a SUV and a raft out, but you refused both of them.

4 people in the carriage of a train – a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him.
The pretty young blond thinks, I bet the Muslim tried to f**... me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Muslim thinks, I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me.
The Jew thinks, I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim m**... again."

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Jack and Oscar.
The three men had always done everything together.
Jack arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Jack said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Jack said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Oscar in to confirm the identity of the body.
Oscar looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Oscar said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Oscar said, 'Well, Stanley had two a**....'
'What? He had two a**...?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two a**....'

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the b**....Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

I went to the store with my wife!

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said so will a case of beer at half the price.

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. About how long to get this repaired? says the penguin. Should only be about 30 mins he replies.
It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is walking back to station while l**... his vanilla ice cream. Naturally, penguins aren't the cleanest eaters so some vanilla ice cream gets around his mouth and face.
When the penguin arrives, the mechanic greets him and says, It looks like you blew a seal!