Pretty Eye Jokes
57 pretty eye jokes and hilarious pretty eye puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pretty eye that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pretty Eye Short Jokes
Short pretty eye jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pretty eye humour may include short big eyes jokes also.
- I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes. I haven't seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.
- I used to date a girl with a lazy eye I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.
Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke! - A beekeeper was asked which species of bees he found to be the most pretty. His reply: "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder"
- Pretty sure you have heard this one before but here goes nothin: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
- I recently dated a girl with a lazy eye. Had to dump her after a week though, I'm pretty sure she was seeing somebody on the side.
- Why was the albino, glasses-wearing man okay with a wizard turning him into a cool looking bug? He was a pretty fly, four eyed, white guy.
- Whenever my father, a bee keeper, would see a pretty lady walk by he would always say "Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."
- Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me. Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.
- I just saw TLC perform on the Today Show. They looked pretty good even though they had both lost their Left Eye.
- Hey, you got pretty good at using contacts, uh? Oh, yeah, I could put them on with my eyes closed.
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Pretty Eye One Liners
Which pretty eye one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pretty eye? I can suggest the ones about pretty face and eye catching.
- Why do asians have such s**... eyes? Because atomic bombs are pretty bright.
Pretty Eye Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about pretty eye you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye related jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pretty eye pranks.
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Good eyes
A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husbband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?
The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".
Cough medicine.
A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things".
Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort.
He continues into the store and asks his assistant, "what's with the guy outside?" to which the assistant says "he came in with a bad cold. I couldn't find the cough medicine, so I gave him some laxatives."
"Laxatives??!!" exclaims the pharmacist, "that's not gonna do anything for his cold!"
"Sure it will," replies the assistant "Look, he's afraid to cough!"
A man's wife has been getting onto him for drinking so much...
...but he decides to go out to the bar--just one last time--anyway. As it's his last there, he drinks excessively and gets even more plastered than usual.
The next morning, he wakes up in his own bed not really sure how he got there. Before opening his eyes, he starts imagining how infuriated his wife must be. But when he looks around, his wife isn't there. Instead, there's a hot breakfast on the end table next to a note wishing him a good day and expressing her love.
Suspicious, the man gets out of bed. He goes into the living room and sees a table and chair knocked on their sides and a couple pictures that had fallen off the wall. His son is sitting on the couch, so he asked him what happened.
"Well, Dad, you were pretty drunk when you came home last night," his son replies. "You stumbled in, knocked over the furniture and pictures until Mom woke up and helped you."
"Okay, but what's with the hot breakfast?" he asks. "Why isn't she yelling at me right now?"
"Oh," the son says. "When she tried to lead you into the bedroom, you said, 'No thanks, lady, I'm married.'"
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks
. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or
"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the c**... of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,
"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
My Homecoming Dance
I was at my homecoming dance when I noticed a kid in the corner looking miserable. Feeling bad, I went over there and asked him what was wrong? He responded that no one would ever want to dance with him because of his wooden eye.
Upon hearing this, I made it my mission to find the boy a dancing partner. After a couple minutes of looking, I found a girl crying out in the hallway. When I asked her what was wrong she said hat no would dance with her because of her hair lip.
I then went back to the boy with the wooden eye. In a couple of minutes I was able to get him to work up the courage to ask the girl to dance. As he approached her I felt pretty good about myself; that is until I heard what happened next.
The boy asked the obviously excited girl to dance. She was so thrilled she responded, "Would I, Would I!" The boy responded "Hair Lip, Hair Lip" and stormed away.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man...
are waiting in a hospital for each of their respective wives to give birth. Obviously they are quite nervous, pacing up and down etc when a rather red faced doctor comes out. he turns to the three men and says "I'm afraid we an issue, there's been a bit of a mix up with your newborns and we aren't sure whose is whose."
As this is a joke, instead of calling their lawyers immediately the three men decide between themselves that they will go into the room with the babies one by one to see if they feel any connection with any of them to get an idea as to which baby is which. The Englishman goes in first, as is his right, and is in there for quite a while. After 15 minutes he comes out with a child who is for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani's child. The Pakistani turns to him and says "I'm not being funny but I'm pretty sure that baby is mine."
The Englishman turns to him, looks him in the eye and replies "I know mate, but one of the others is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances"
The screw
Lewis is going to pick up his date on a Saturday night. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. She's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.
Her father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
The girl's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks the Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says her father, "She really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, his date comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, she rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"d**... Daddy! It's called the twist!"
A private school dance...
There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.
All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.
After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.
The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"
Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"
After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"
The missing sugar bowl
Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:
'Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob'
Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:
'Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama'
Don't b**... Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.....
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
Never lie to your Mother
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, your son.
Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love, Mom.
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
eye roller of a dog joke
Mrs Young was walking to the grocery store when her neighbor came up to her and said "Hello Debra, How's your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike."
"Oh" said Mrs Young "That could NOT have been my dog"
"Oh, why not?" replied her neighbor "I'm pretty sure it was her"
"Well" stated Mrs. Young smiling "my dog doesn't ride a bike"
Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…
…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"
Little Johnny
It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.
"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"
"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."
"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"
"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."
"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"
"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."
"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."
"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."
"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."
"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"
A man is walking on a beach...
And he trips over something. He looks down, and it is an old bottle. He picks it up, and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish, and only one. What will it be?"
The man thinks, and thinks. He lives in California, but really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying. So he asks the genie, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."
The genie looks at him for a bit. He says "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too much! Please think of something else". The man is pretty angry. He really wanted that bridge, and that was really the only thing on his mind. So he thinks, and thinks, and thinks for days. He had to get the right thing. He sleeps on it, and the next day comes returns to the beach.
The genie is still there, so the man asks him, "I want to understand women."
The genie's eyes widen, and he asks him "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
A guy walks into a w**......
A guy walks into a w**... and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"
The Speech Therapist
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s**... with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no good, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow."
"That's no better either, Seathan."
"Now, how about you, p**...?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; "London".
"Brilliant, p**...!" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 10 minutes of s**... s**..., p**... said,
"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."
Pretty woman sneezes
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
So man goes to prison
On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
" Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"
A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.
He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with one medium well."
An old hillibilly with three daughters
An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.
A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway...
A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did eight miles today! That's amazing!"
The second day, the blonde's production is down to four miles. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What's the problem?"
The blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!"
A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He agrees.
The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:
"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash
Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell. He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up. After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"
Original joke. Hey! I tried.
I got this friend, he and I can't agree on anything. It's a constant battle.
We go on a trip together every year and this year, after much debate, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas.
So, we're enjoying our first night in Vegas, we're both a little drunk and my buddy says, "Hey, let's get a h**...." I'm pretty drunk too, so I agree.
We go to a brothel and of course it takes us forever to agree on a girl, but we finally do. A nice young girl named Paige.
So, we go to the room, we all get undressed and start going at it. My buddy and I are both pounding away, I finally catch his eye and I say, "Hey! I'm glad to see we're finally on the same Paige!"
A man and woman meet through a sneeze
A man sees a woman sitting alone at a bar.
He starts to walk over when she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he instinctively snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you." He agrees.
The woman is charming, stunningly pretty, and he realizes they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most wonderful woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy?"
"No," she answers. "You just happened to catch my eye."
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
A man loses his eye in a car accident
When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement.
After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar.
With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says "would you like to go on a date with me?"
"Would I!?" Replies the woman excitedly.
"Big nose!" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar.
A man walks into a bar, and sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".
He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.
The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.
She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."
"wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!"
"impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future"
"can not" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"
Got a pretty good eye roll from the wife on this one
My wife was telling me about the hellish day that she had today. When she finished, I thought I would do the right thing and offer to do something nice for her.
ME: "Well babe, if you want, when we get in bed tonight I'll give you the longest and best massage you can imagine. It'll be like you went to a professional masseuse."
She gave me a really skeptical look and asked: "Wait...am I going to end up paying for this massage with s**... afterwards?"
"No you don't have to PAY for it with s**.......but a tip would be appreciated."
It was pretty risky putting m**... in those rib-eyes
You could say they were high stakes
She gave me pretty eyes and said i'm going to s**... you dry
It's really not what i wanted to hear while donating blood
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
High school dance.
My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I'm taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend was an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, what does she like? I said, she's really pretty but she just has fat legs. James didn't mind. After all, he had his share of imperfections. So we get to the dance and James approaches the girl. Would you like to dance? She replies, Would I? And James barks back, Fat legs.
They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his t**... in the glitter bins
One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"
My uncle's favorite joke.
A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't believe someone asked her. She said, "Would I?! Would I?!". The man gets angry and says, "Harelip! Harelip!"
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
3 Kids are arguing about who's dad is the fastest...
At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...
Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.
He is a professional archer. When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does...
That's pretty fast, says the 3rd boy, but not as fast as my old man.
My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work a 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm...