Pretty Bad Jokes
109 pretty bad jokes and hilarious pretty bad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pretty bad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pretty Bad Short Jokes
Short pretty bad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pretty bad humour may include short real bad jokes also.
- I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome... It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
- a pretty bad joke my dad once told me what do you get when you cross a elephant, rhino, and a hippo?
helliphino - Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list... It's a pretty bad state of affairs
- Two mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says "I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here." The other replies, "You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone."
- Just finished reading a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at the start but by the end I liked it.
- When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description... Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.
- I always looks for a chick who is into bad boys. Because I'm pretty much bad at everything.
- I'm pretty bad at the dab, but I still do it on a regular basis I guess you could say I dabble
- Things are pretty bad right now Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.
- I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK."
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Pretty Bad One Liners
Which pretty bad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pretty bad? I can suggest the ones about kinda bad and seriously bad.
- Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.
- The wife and I decided we're not gonna have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
- Self depreciation is my best skill, And I'm pretty bad at it.
- Got a new job as an elephant circumcizer... The pay is pretty bad, but you get big tips.
- I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon It's a bad case of chickenella.
- I'm pretty bad at apologising.. So I just say... "unfuck you".
- I've decided not to have any kids.... The kids are taking it pretty bad !!
- I am pretty bad at building fences. Oops, wrong place for this post.
- I was gonna post a joke about a bad artist but it really doesnt paint a pretty picture
- If I were a sailor, I think I'd be pretty bad at puns... Knot!
- I'm pretty bad at remembering jokes but here goes: Knock Knock To get to the other side
- Golf jokes and puns are pretty bad But that's just par for the course.
- A bogey man who's a pretty good guy is... Snot Bad.
- I got a new thesaurus Its pretty bad, though. Not only that, it's also bad.
- Two guys walked into a bar They got injured pretty bad.
Pretty Bad Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about pretty bad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean horribly bad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pretty bad pranks.
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
I met an older woman in a bar last night...
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
My handwriting has gotten pretty bad...
I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown!
Jar Full of $10 Bills
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
i went to a wedding for two antennae
The ceremony was pretty bad, but the reception was amazing
Mahatma Gandhi was a good man...
He also had an odd diet which gave him a pretty pungent breath, not only did he have bad breath from his diet but it also made him incredibly skinny. Another thing he did was walk around barefoot all the time so his feet were tougher than most people's.
I guess you could call him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
At the Hospital
At Hospital
Nurse : Why are you hurt so badly ?
Girl : My boyfriend dump me
Nurse : Don't need to hurt yourself, there are plenty of guys. You are still young and pretty.
Girl : He dump me from 4th floor.
Billy and Joe were called into the teacher's room after class.
The teacher said that one of them had cheated off the other. Every single one was the same until the last one, the written response. At that point, the teacher asked, "What was your answer Billy?"
Billy replied," I don't know."
"And you Joe?"
Joe read his paper and said, "Me neither."
Not sure if repost but I know it's pretty bad. Thought it was funny before.
Brain Transplant
Heard this joke from a gregarious bus driver in Yosemite:
A man at the hospital is discussing his condition with the doctor. The doctor says:
"So we have some good news, and some bad news."
"Ok... What's the bad news?"
"Your brain is busted. You're gonna need a new one."
"Alright. So what's the good news?"
"You have some options to pick from. First option is a lawyer's brain. This one is expensive. It'll be $5,000."
"Well. A lawyers brain. That's pretty good. What's the next one?"
"Second option is a doctors brain. That's even more expensive. It costs $10,000."
"Wow. $10,000! But a doctor's brain. That's even better. So what's the third option?"
"The third option is a busdriver's brain. And that one is $50,000."
"$50,000!?? Why is it so much??"
"Because that one has never been used. It's like brand new! Fresh outta the box"
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
Circumcising elephants isn't too bad of a job...
The pay is pretty low, but at least the tips are big...
Working at Starbucks is pretty bad
but it does have some percs
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer
They must have been laced pretty badly, cause I've been trippin all morning
Ebenezer Scrooge must have been tripping pretty badly to see all those ghosts
He probably popped a Marley
A pretty lady with bad gas farts in an Apple store...
She looks around and loudly proclaims "HA! Bet you wish you had Windows now!"
Ford claims that 90% of its cars are still on the road today
That's pretty bad, apparently only 10% of them made it back home
I have a hard time seeing the difference between Donald Trump and h**...
Then again, I *am* pretty bad at faces.
The Worst Natural Disaster
So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.
The shortage of transplant kidneys in Britain is pretty bad
But at least they have a liver pool.
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
I messed up my foot pretty bad.
The doctors said it would take a while to heel.
America as a whole is pretty bad at geometry...
We're all out of shape.
Gnarls *Woof*ley - Crazy
Ye it is pretty bad, I know
The sausage I had today was pretty bad...
But it wasn't the wurst that I have ever had.
It must be pretty bad being the wife of a s**... bomber...
Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day.
I'm pretty bad at sowing
As you can see from this short thread
The DNC hurt themselves pretty badly...
And now they're feeling the bern.
Bad egg jokes I thought of
1) what do you call it when you see a pretty egg?
- Egg sighting
2) what do you call it when a really annoying egg is quiet?
- Egg silent
3) what do you call it when a really hyper egg holds still?
- Egg static
4) what do you call it when an egg wonders if there is a god?
- Egg nostic
The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany.
There's a high chance of heil.
I hit my head really hard on a glass window yesterday
It hurt me pretty bad, Maybe that's why they call it window pane
I got a job at the zoo doing elephant circumcisions...
The pays pretty bad but the tips are huge.
My dad always taught me to go the extra mile...
I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
I tried training for the Samaritans once.
But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)
What do s**... and pizza have in common?
When it's nice, it's really nice
But when it's bad, it's still pretty nice
s**..., for men, is kinda like pizza...
When it's good, it's REALLY GOOD. And when it's bad... meh it's still pretty good.
My friend was a pretty good guitarist
But that one time he stepped in a puddle while playing his electric guitar on an old, badly grounded amp, he became a great conductor.
I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck.
It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.
Ghosts are bad liars...
You can pretty much see through them lel.
What do pizza and s**... have in common?
When it's good it's mind blowing good but when it's bad, it's still pretty good
The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now
So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text
But I felt even worse watching her read it.
In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister's wedding service?
How is s**... like pizza?
When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
I'm pretty bad at playing the harmonica
Quite often I blow at it, but sometimes I just plain s**...
I've been listening to classical music too loud and now my ears hurt.
I'm having some pretty bad Bach pains.
h**... gets a pretty bad rap but...
He did kill h**....
h**... wasnt all bad ...
He killed h**.... That was pretty nice.
I want to visit the Shetland Islands
...but the weather's pretty bad up there. I'm told that's why they're a little hoarse.
I'm pretty bad at building fences...
Oops, this was the wrong place to post.
Again.
Guess I'll have to make another repost.
If I punch myself and it hurts pretty bad, am I too strong or too weak?
You're r**...
An old man returns home after getting his testresults
-How did it go? asks his wife
He gives a huge sigh and says - Pretty bad, everything was negative, well, except for the h**...-test
What did one tree say to the other?
Nothing trees cant talk.
Yea I know that's a pretty bad dad joke. Its apparent. Just like paper its tearable.
Ok I'm done.
Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?
Well, I don't quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!
Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be g**... but they were actually pretty good.
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.
What do you call the place where bad noodles live?
The Spaghetto
What do you call noodles who can't remember anything?
Forgetti
I'd like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.
I hope my internet points don't take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.
Dirty dead baby jokes?
My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?
A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after s**....
An American pilot is flying over the Australian outback.
He suddenly loses control of the plane and crashes. The next thing he knows he wakes up in a hospital. He figures he's in pretty bad shape but he wants to know for sure so when he sees a nurse he stops her.
"Did I come here to die?"
"No," the Australian replied. "You came here yesterday."
Orion's Belt
You know what I think of Orion's Belt? I think it's a waste of space.
Okay, that was a pretty bad joke. I'll give it three stars.
A man asked a scholar if it is okay to scratch your hand while in pilgrimage...
Hey guys, it is bedtime now and am pretty depressed after a long bad day. Remembering this story-found in Arabic literature-made me chuckle so I hope it will brighten your day too.
A man asked a scholar if it is okay to scratch own arm while in pilgrimage?
The scholar: yes, you can.
Man: to what extent?
The scholar: until you see the bones!!!
Man: May I buy you a drink, pretty lady?
Woman: No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: Do they swell?
Woman: No, they spread
Looking at my score, I think I failed the math test but it's hard to tell
I'm pretty bad with numbers.