Pretend Jokes
131 pretend jokes and hilarious pretend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pretend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article uncovers why "pretend jokes" can often be just as amusing as the real thing. Learn how to use these light-hearted quips to liven up a conversation, or how to make assumptions that will result in a few laughs. Discover the daring techniques that will leave your friends and family smiling.
Funniest Pretend Short Jokes
Short pretend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pretend humour may include short fake jokes also.
- If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
- I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
- My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
- Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage! Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
- Did you hear that auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go? They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
- My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective... ...and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground" - Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..." - how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
- My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up... I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.
Share These Pretend Jokes With Friends
Pretend One Liners
Which pretend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pretend? I can suggest the ones about prank and imagine.
- My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food It's an old gag
- My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava, but I'm on the fence.
- My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She is using sighcology
- Deal with your problems like Jesus did Pretend you're dead and disappear for three days.
- How to tell if you are old? Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.
- My kids love to pretend they own a German restaurant For me it's a Wurst-Käse scenario.
- How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
- My SO told me that I should stop pretending to be a flamingo I had to put my foot down
- Sometimes I like to pretend I am a cat ...and ignore my wife until it is dinner time
- Half my coworkers are imposters They pretend to do the tasks and sabotage everything.
- My niece asked me to pretend I'm a bicycle. I said I'm two tired.
- I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend. He was a placebro.
- What do you call someone who's pretending to be from Sicily? Amoxicillin
- When im alone i like to pretend im a wind turbine. My wife hates it... But im a big fan.
- How do you milk a sheep? Pretend you didn't lose an election and ask for donations.
Sometimes I Pretend Jokes
Here is a list of funny sometimes i pretend jokes and even better sometimes i pretend puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder.
Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006) - Sometimes, when I'm sad, I like to go in a garden I go there to bury myself and pretend I am a treasure.
- Sometimes my dad pretends to be invisible. She's transparent.
- Yup Sometimes I pretend the extra pillow is a person. A cold distant person who won't cuddle.
- I watch the biggest loser sometimes... I like to pretend they can see me eating.
- Confused? Sometimes I like to dress up as a woman, and then pretend that I am a man.
- I drive a mail truck with the steering wheel on the right hand side. Sometimes I pretend I'm in England by Eating really c**... food
Comical Pretend Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about pretend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean make like a jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pretend pranks.
fiance: just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he'll agree to marry us
me: okay
\[at church\]
priest: it's nice to meet you both
me: \[seeing crucifixion statue on wall\]
jesus what happened to this guy?"
My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.
We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?
Nah. Need to stay in character.
If I had a Dollar,
If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.
what's the worst part about having s**... with your pets?
A week later they pretend they don't even know you.
What's the only major difference between Cinco de mayo and Saint Patrick's day?
Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.
A man looking for work
A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"
Two Germans in London
Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"
A Polish joke
A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb p**... by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:
"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."
The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb p**...!".
Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"
The counterman says "This is a hardware store."
Over smart.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...
When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...
The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
Unless you're pretending to be sober, in which case that's probably a good idea. Keep doing that.
My girlfriend and I like to roleplay
She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists.
Why was the UKIP voter angry?
Because he didn't like the look of the Poles
(for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)
TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt
I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic.
Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
Hey girl, I want to do you like my homework
"Throw me on your desk and do me all night long?"
"No. Forget you're at my place, pretend like you don't exist, and then do you in 10 seconds at the last minute."
I've never pretended to be something I'm not...
Except sober.
I've pretended to be sober before.
Sometimes when I play video games, I like to pretend I'm a double agent for the other team...
This is why I'm a terrible teammate, die a lot, and can't seem to kill anything.
It's all part of the plan.
Why do Hutterites children pretend to be pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRR r**...
Everytime we have s**... my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.
I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."
On a scale from Casey Anthony to j**... Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...
Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes
My girlfriend has this really weird f**...
She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have s**....
I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.
I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart
They probably have never seen any of his paintings.
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
My girlfriend always likes to pretend to be 14 when we have s**......
I don't know why, she'll be 14 in a couple years anyway.
My fake plant died
Because I didn't pretend to water it.
The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...
... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"
I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set
Pretend that I have one
Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.
That's what most Christians do anyways.
Me and the wife were talking about s**... role playing when she asked what I'd like to do.
I said "Well, we go to a bar separately and pretend we've never met"
"Ooh, then what?" she answered
I said "Nothing, that's it".
My friend told me to try out a g**..., since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side
I've s**... 5 d**... so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work
A job interview is like a first date.
You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get s**....
Me and my wife have a very active s**... life
She likes to dress up and pretend to be Cat-Woman.
Where as I pretend I love her
If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.
You know, just like Republicans.
Relationship between Employer and Employee
They pretend they pay us, we pretend we work.
Jesus lesson on Easter
Every time you have a big problem, or you're having a hard time in life, just remember Jesus' Easter lesson:
Pretend you're dead and disappear for 3 days.
What's the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker
Lets pretend
My wife on our last date:
lets pretend its 25 years ago, we don't have kids at home and we are out on a first date
Me: Im sorry. I dont think this is going to work.
s**... is like politics.
I don't understand it, but I pretend to.
It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....
Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.
Amy Schumer had some great advice for her date.
You have to pretend like you want to use a c**.... I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'
To keep s**... interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..
and she pretends she's still attracted to me.
The best sort of person to s**... would be a Trump supporter
Cause even if you don't live up to any of your promises they won't care, and you can just pretend like you did anyway.
Roy Moore is in bed with a girl, and says "pretend you're 14". She found that really weird...
Her birthday was in 4 months anyway.
I asked my wife if she wanted to play Snowstorm...
Her: How do you play?
Me: t**... clothes, lay down, and pretend to be a highway in the middle of a snowstorm.
Her: And then what?
Me: I'll plow you.
My girlfriend likes to pretend that she's 13 years old when we are in bed
I tell her that it's weird and pointless to do that because she will be turning 13 next year.
My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 whenever we have s**...
but I told her it's pointless because she'll be 13 next month anyway.
My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 in bed
i told her it was pointless, she'll turn 13 next year anyway
When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...
I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.
It's almost Lent again
The time when 9 out of 10 Catholics go Ok, it's time to pretend I'm fully committed to this whole 'being Catholic' thing.
Give him what he wants.
An escaped convict broke into a house and t**... a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants s**..., I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg
Best joke that's ever been told.
Role playing can spice up your s**... life.
Pretend to be someone who's good at s**....
Why can't women read maps?
Because men are the only ones that can pretend an inch to be a mile.
If I had a bitcoin for every gender...
I would be imagining getting a lot of pretend money for a lot of people pretending.
Daring strategy
After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I'll pretend to be gay. I'm going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I'll get their boyfriends!
I hate people who pretend they're cultured when they talk about Mozart.
I bet they haven't seen any of his paintings.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?
In my best bear voice, I replied, No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
"Grow up Karen"
A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell.
She thought she'd just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, Hello? Anybody home? I'm the blind guy!
Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress. thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.
Wow, said the guy waiting there, you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?
A woman was taking a bath when the doorbell rang
She thought she could just pretend like she isn't home, the person would leave and she could keep bathing. "Hello? Anybody home? I'm the blind guy"
She thought to herself "Well, if he's blind, then maybe I won't have to dress up. She got out of the bath, walked to the door and opened it.
"Wow!" Said the man. "You should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?
A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.
The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!
Two Americans were trekking in a desert.
Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: Maybe it's wiser to pretend to be a Muslim. So he replied: My name is Ahmed.
Sam said: My name is Sam.
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.
Shock humor is getting pretty old these days
So I can finally pretend to be shock humor's friend to get money when it dies
My girl likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together
Which i told her is pointless & weird, because she'll be 13 next year.
what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?
Trump likes to pretend they don't exist
I paid a p**... to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.
She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.
A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.
He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, hey I know what you're about to do, and I won't pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have s**...? It's been a really long time.
She replies, no you sicko!
So he says it's cool. I'll just go wait at the bottom.
Just moved into a new home and found out that it doesn't have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that pretend walking down the stairs thing behind the couch.
My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to s**... a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.
He was just choking a round.
I just got done playing Tony Hawk's Pro Masturbator 2. If you're not familiar with that game it's where you pretend you are Tony,
while grinding away on a gnarly rail bro.
