The Best 86 Pretend Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Pretend jokes. There are some pretend simulate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pretend impersonate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Pretend Jokes and Puns

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

fiance: just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he'll agree to marry us

me: okay
\[at church\]
priest: it's nice to meet you both
me: \[seeing crucifixion statue on wall\]
jesus what happened to this guy?"

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

Pretend joke, My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous

If I had a Dollar,

If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.

Sometimes I like to pretend I am a cat

...and ignore my wife until it is dinner time


what's the worst part about having sex with your pets?

A week later they pretend they don't even know you.

What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?

Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.

Pretend joke, What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

Two Germans in London

Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"

A Polish joke

A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb Polack by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:

"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."

The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb Polack!".

Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"

The counterman says "This is a hardware store."

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

You can explore pretend dare reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pretend sex dad jokes. There are also pretend puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...

When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

My friend got jury duty

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

Unless you're pretending to be sober, in which case that's probably a good idea. Keep doing that.

My girlfriend and I like to roleplay

She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists.

Pretend joke, My girlfriend and I like to roleplay

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic.

Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?

Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.

- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!


I've never pretended to be something I'm not...

Except sober.

I've pretended to be sober before.

Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

My girlfriend has this really weird fetish

She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex.

I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.

I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart

They probably have never seen any of his paintings.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

My girlfriend always likes to pretend to be 14 when we have sex...

I don't know why, she'll be 14 in a couple years anyway.

The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash your hands boy, this is potato cake"

I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set

Pretend that I have one

Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.

That's what most Christians do anyways.

Me and the wife were talking about sexy role playing when she asked what I'd like to do.

I said "Well, we go to a bar separately and pretend we've never met"

"Ooh, then what?" she answered

I said "Nothing, that's it".

My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side

I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work

A job interview is like a first date.

You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

Me and my wife have a very active sex life

She likes to dress up and pretend to be Cat-Woman.

Where as I pretend I love her

If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.

You know, just like Republicans.

I drive a mail truck with the steering wheel on the right hand side. Sometimes I pretend I'm in England by

Eating really crappy food

Jesus lesson on Easter

Every time you have a big problem, or you're having a hard time in life, just remember Jesus' Easter lesson:

Pretend you're dead and disappear for 3 days.

What's the difference between God and a social worker?

God doesn't pretend to be a social worker

Lets pretend

My wife on our last date:
lets pretend its 25 years ago, we don't have kids at home and we are out on a first date

Me: Im sorry. I dont think this is going to work.

Sex is like politics.

I don't understand it, but I pretend to.

How to tell if you are old?

Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

To keep sex interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..

and she pretends she's still attracted to me.

Crocodiles are easy.

They try to kill and eat you.

People are harder.

Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

- Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)

The best sort of person to seduce would be a Trump supporter

Cause even if you don't live up to any of your promises they won't care, and you can just pretend like you did anyway.

Roy Moore is in bed with a girl, and says "pretend you're 14". She found that really weird...

Her birthday was in 4 months anyway.

I asked my wife if she wanted to play Snowstorm...

Her: How do you play?

Me: Take off your clothes, lay down, and pretend to be a highway in the middle of a snowstorm.

Her: And then what?

Me: I'll plow you.

Deal with your problems like Jesus did

Pretend you're dead and disappear for three days.

My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 whenever we have sex

but I told her it's pointless because she'll be 13 next month anyway.

My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 in bed

i told her it was pointless, she'll turn 13 next year anyway

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

It's almost Lent again

The time when 9 out of 10 Catholics go Ok, it's time to pretend I'm fully committed to this whole 'being Catholic' thing.

Give him what he wants.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.

The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

Role playing can spice up your sex life.

Pretend to be someone who's good at sex.

Why can't women read maps?

Because men are the only ones that can pretend an inch to be a mile.

When im alone i like to pretend im a wind turbine. My wife hates it...

But im a big fan.

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

If I had a bitcoin for every gender...

I would be imagining getting a lot of pretend money for a lot of people pretending.

Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I'll pretend to be gay. I'm going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!

I'll get their boyfriends!

I hate people who pretend they're cultured when they talk about Mozart.

I bet they haven't seen any of his paintings.

My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?

In my best bear voice, I replied, No thanks, I'm stuffed!"

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

"Grow up Karen"

A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell.

She thought she'd just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, Hello? Anybody home? I'm the blind guy!

Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress. thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.

Wow, said the guy waiting there, you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?

NSFW Husband: Can I get a blow job?

Me: I'm too tired for all that Jazz

Husband: Then pretend like it's techno and give it a good beat.

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

Two Americans were trekking in a desert.

Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: Maybe it's wiser to pretend to be a Muslim. So he replied: My name is Ahmed.
Sam said: My name is Sam.
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.

My girl likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together

Which i told her is pointless & weird, because she'll be 13 next year.

I paid a prostitute to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.

She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, hey I know what you're about to do, and I won't pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It's been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!

So he says it's cool. I'll just go wait at the bottom.

Just moved into a new home and found out that it doesn't have a basement.

It was just the estate agent doing that pretend walking down the stairs thing behind the couch.

My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to swallow a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.

He was just choking a round.

How do you catch squirrels?

Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.

Tired of telling my wife what to do.

We were working in the yard and she kept asking how to do one thing after another. I finally said, "just pretend I'm dead and do what you want."
Then she got out her phone and started calling friends to have a celebration.

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

My sister said she doesn't like when I overhear her talking to other people

But she hasn't told me yet, so I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Half my coworkers are imposters

They pretend to do the tasks and sabotage everything.

In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...

The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

How do you milk a sheep?

Pretend you didn't lose an election and ask for donations.

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

Light bulb

Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, I need a day off, I'm going to pretend I've gone mad!

Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb! While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, Paddy go home, you've gone mad!
As Paddy packs his kit, the foreman sees John packing his kit as well.
Foreman says, John where do you think you're going?!
John says, Well I'm not working in the friggen dark!

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks her between the legs. "WTF was that?" She shrieks in pain.. "Tarzan always check for squirrels"

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pretend masquerade jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pretend idea piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes