Press Jokes
144 press jokes and hilarious press puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about press that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out our collection of hilarious jokes about all sorts of presses, from bench and chest presses to printing, hydraulic and even trouser pressing. These jokes will have you printing with laughter as you explore the lighter side of pressure!
Quick Jump To
- Short Press Jokes
- Press One Liners
- Press Conference Jokes
- French Press Jokes
- Bench Press Jokes
- Printing Press Jokes
- More Press Jokes
Funniest Press Short Jokes
Short press jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The press humour may include short push jokes also.
- A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
- Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
- Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines ceo Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
- Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard? Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
- Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak 28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
- Working at the aluminum can recycling center is the saddest job I've had. It's just soda pressing.
- What's the difference between a a shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference? One is The Taming of the Shrew.
The other is the shaming of the true. - Why was the man who crushed recycled pop cans for a living sad with his life? Because his job was soda pressing.
- I love pressing the F5 button It's so refreshing
- Why was the snake pressed againt the glass at the zoo? He wanted to be a windshield viper.
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Press One Liners
Which press one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with press? I can suggest the ones about pull and squeeze.
- simulation of monkey pressing button simulation complete
- Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press
- Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc? Because she wanted to see the task manager.
- Never iron a four leaf clover... You don't want to press your luck.
- I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
- I had a job as a can crusher but I had to quit That job was just soda-pressing
- I saw a Pepsi getting run over today It was soda- pressing
- Did you hear about the can of coke that got run over? It was soda pressing
- Why shouldn't you iron a 4 leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck!
- I like pressing f5. It's so refreshing.
- You should never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
- Why does the can crusher hate his job? Because it's soda pressing.
- There's something about pressing F5... Thats just so refreshing
- I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today... It was soda pressing.
- I don't like sidescrolling games on pc... most of the time it's just d-pressing.
Press Conference Jokes
Here is a list of funny press conference jokes and even better press conference puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The sheriff at the press conference said we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head. Frankly, we're stumped.
- During today's press conference, someone asked the mayor of Houston about his opinion on Roe vs Wade. He said "Honestly, I don't care how people get back to their houses."
- In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically. I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.
- Why was the press conference cancelled? Cause they forgot to bring a button.
- How many doctors does it take to treat Trump for Covid-19? 11.
One to actually treat the President, and 10 more to hold a press conference about it. - After Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, he experienced chest pains. He was quickly rushed to Mount Sinai Heating & Plumbing.
- What do you call a Dumb Blonde in a press conference. Donald Trump.
- The kings of Sweden and Denmark are having a press conference today The king of Norway will also say a fjords
- A buzzfeed journalist whispers something to Mike Pence at a press conference ...what happens next will shock you.
- The CEO of Google was late to a press conference scheduled for 4:00... 4:04 Page not found.
French Press Jokes
Here is a list of funny french press jokes and even better french press puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS? They both hate the French press
- What kind of coffee do terrorists hate? French press.
(Too soon?) - What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ? French press
- Why do Muslims love esprssso? It's not so much that they love espresso. They just really hate the French press.
- Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee? Because they hate French Press!
- Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris? it's all over the French press
- What do they call a pushup in Paris? A French press
- Why do Muslim extremists prefer to drink cappuccino? Because they hate french press.
- How do the Parisians prefer to get their news and coffee The French Press
- Who makes coffee for the U.N.? The French Press Secretary!
Bench Press Jokes
Here is a list of funny bench press jokes and even better bench press puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press... 1! 3! 5! 7! 9!
Another meathead:
Do you even lift bro
Meathead: Nah I only odd lift bro - I can bench press 300 pounds. Not at the same time, but still...
- Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket? He got arrested for shoplifting.
- I hit 350lbs on the bench press today And I think I broke a rib after I fell on it..
- My uncle died because he put on too much weight. Doctors said it was the worst bench press accident they'd ever seen.
- Yo mama's so fat, She tried to do push-ups, but just bench pressed the earth
- I just have something I need to get off my chest... I do bench presses without a spotter.
- Why did no one at the gym want to talk to the guy who was bench pressing cases of soda? He was just so depressing.
- I was doing bench press with my Law School dropout friend yesterday... He was terrible. He couldn't even do the bar.
- Chuck Norris once bench pressed an 18 wheeler.
With him inside it.
Printing Press Jokes
Here is a list of funny printing press jokes and even better printing press puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I used to believe in the saying 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me'. This was until I fell into a printing press last Wednesday l.
- I made my money the old-fashioned way... I used a printing press
- You hear about the girl that got her hair caught in the printing press? It was all over the papers
- I always used to believe that sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me... Then I fell into a printing press.
- The way they print news papers... ... it's a pressing matter.
- Chuck Norris invented the printing press by putting two pieces of blank paper together.
- Who was the morbidly obese inventor of the printing press? Johannes Glutenberg
- How do you print something sustainably? On the Glutenberg printing press
- Did you hear about the guy who bombed the printing press? He was breaking news
- So, Nintendo recently acquired a printing press Word is, they're printing ninten-dough.
Hilarious Press Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about press you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean force jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make press pranks.
A man calls home to his wife after an accident at the factory.
He says, "I had a bad accident with a punch press, and it cut off my finger."
She asks, "The whole finger?"
He replies, "No, the one next to it."
A middle school in Oregon
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
I figured out how to talk to girls
Just walk up to them and press A.
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
Politics is like a car
you press "D" to go forward and "R" to go back
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...
The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...
A blonde goes to a doctor...
"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde
"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.
She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.
"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.
"Cover up the cut in your finger."
A man went to his doctor...
Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts.
Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.
Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct
Press 1 for the money
2 for the show
Just received a text message...
Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.
My inability to proofread increases by 1000% after I press send.
Danmit
You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes?
You only have to learn how to press three b**..., and then you can play 'em all day.
There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.
Alt-right
Did you hear about that guy who died from crushing a Coke in a hydraulic press?
It was soda-pressing.
Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?
They're both baseless and corrosive.
Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?
Because today the sun mooned me.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
- Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE
One day Donald Trump's n**... will leak...
And he'll do a press conference where he will announce: FAKE NUUUUDES
I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.
It was soda-pressing
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
A t**... struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...
"Abominable. Simply abominable."
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…
I've just received a phone call saying I've won £250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...
...it said press 1 for the money, 2 for the show
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Why couldn't the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?
No Flash photography.
I had a friend who said he liked to practice self control.
I didn't know what he meant until I saw him press the cross walk button only once.
Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show then it said.
Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:
"Fake noose, folks."
A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press my research is meaningless if taken out of context!
The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!
A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.
The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.
An edited version of a joke that's been already posted.
A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.
The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, why did you only arrest the proton?
To which one of the officers replied, well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn't know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.
A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.
Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".
The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
Trump and Pense at a press briefing.
Trump: if we tested less, we'd have less cases .
Pense: fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that in public .
A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day...
The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend: "What the h**... do they see in that wimp?"
"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.
"A hundred pounds?!?" The bodybuilder snorts. "h**..., I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!!"
The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"
Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.
I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big b**... and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".
So I did.
I want people's opinions to help me decide something...
I've just received an automated phone call saying I've won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
A man was trapped under a bench press
A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"
The only time I've been mechanically inclined
Is when I press the recline button on my couch
Gyms must remain open...
...the constitution guarantees freedom of the press
Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.
Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.
Trump: We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we'd have less cases.
Pence: Fewer.
Trump: Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.
After getting away with m**... for 52 years, the Zodiac Killer has revealed his identity to the press.
He didn't want to be associated with Ted Cruz.
How do Germans make a Panini?
On a Glutenberg Press
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office...
another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...
Thankfully, they didn't press charges
But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm
She's doing better currently
And conducting herself properly
But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.
Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?
Anyway, I lost my medical license today.
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…
Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?
Just press 2 for a while!
Task manager!
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.
A man goes to the doctor
He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."
He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."
Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor thinks a second and says "It appears you have a broken finger."
I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...
I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!
What do you call a press secretary's ghost?
A spooksperson
If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…
…please press 3.
