Pressure Jokes
161 pressure jokes and hilarious pressure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pressure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes? Look no further than this article for a fresh set of pressure-themed jokes. Get ready to laugh at different types of pressure, such as air pressure, peer pressure, blood pressure, and more. Get the low-down on how pollution is linked to pressure, and how the temperature is measured in relation to pressure.
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Funniest Pressure Short Jokes
Short pressure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pressure humour may include short force jokes also.
- My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
- Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
- Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more I asked for 120/80 blood pressure
- Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure. Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
- A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman. "And what is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure." - Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock But I don't give into pier pressure.
- My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure. He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
- neil diamond........ Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
- At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody. - My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do... They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!
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Pressure One Liners
Which pressure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pressure? I can suggest the ones about power and stress.
- Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.
- This sub could do with more geology jokes No pressure.
- What's the best part about being 100 years old? No peer pressure.
- Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang? Atmospheric Pressure.
- Never trust an atom when the pressure is on, they split.
- I wonder Do oranges want to be juice or they pressured into it?
- I need you to make a container with finite temperature and infinite volume No pressure
- Why do accordion players make terrible spies? They always fold under pressure.
- I never really used to enjoy peer pressure But then my friends got me into it.
- Why is being an astronaut such an easy job? No pressure.
- Women are like the salt of my life They raise my blood pressure
- I don't believe in peer pressure. Unless my friends do...
- Pascal walks into a bar. He then feels pressured to leave.
- Why do snowmen make terrible detectives? They always melt under pressure!
- Why did the boat want to stay close to the shore? Pier pressure
Blood Pressure Jokes
Here is a list of funny blood pressure jokes and even better blood pressure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure. He's given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.
- I don't ever get blood tests. It's not because I'm afraid of needles or anything.
It's just that my blood's under enough pressure as is. - What's up with peanut allergies? Not that kid's blood pressure
- Why did the skeptic man have high blood pressure? Because he kept taking advice with a pinch of salt!
- The doctor asked me if I knew I had a high blood pressure I told him Na
- - Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure? - You make mosquitoes explode!
- I can't believe I was brave enough to skip taking my blood pressure medication. Doing that is not for the faint of heart!
- My doctor told me I have to stop touching myself... When I asked why, he said "because I'm trying to take your blood pressure!"
- Research reveals that being married protects you from health risks such as high blood pressure, cholesterol and heart disease. Whereas being single protects you from being married.
- The world tennis association just added lisinopril and high blood pressure medications in the same class to their banned substances list... Ace inhibitors
Peer Pressure Jokes
Here is a list of funny peer pressure jokes and even better peer pressure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks.
She simply answers, "No peer pressure." - I was going to tell you a joke about peer pressure... ...but my friends talked me out of it.
- Hipster peer pressure... C'mon, no one else is doing it.
- Don't succumb to peer pressure. . . . . . . Remember, none of your friends do.
- Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it. Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.
- What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you? Peer pressure.
- Why did the pressure cooker jump off the pier? Peer pressure!
- How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure? He just goes with the flow.
- Three part joke Why did the kid fall out of the tree?
I shot him
Why did the second kid fall out?
I stapled them together
Why did the third kid fall out?
Peer pressure - My friend once told me that peer pressure hurts.... Now I'm stuck on the bottom of the ocean.
Work Pressure Jokes
Here is a list of funny work pressure jokes and even better work pressure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
- I got a job interview as an under-water welder.. Interviewer: so how would you describe yourself?
Me : well I'd say i work well under pressure - A diver is applying a job Hiring manager: what is your ability?
Diver: i can work under pressure - What's the reason my shower isn't working? You have only one second to guess the answer. No pressure.
- It would be hard work being a deep-sea diver they're under a lot of pressure.
- I have a now famous relative I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.
You might know him as Niel Diamond. - I was once asked in a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said, "I do my best work at one atmosphere."
- I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.
- I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work. - I have to admit that I lied at my interview when asked if I perform well under pressure I hate working on this submarine
Air Pressure Jokes
Here is a list of funny air pressure jokes and even better air pressure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The earth was 1 day old and air pressure began to build. Not a great story but it's a first draft.
- A guy walks into a bar at a beach And this is perfectly normal because air pressure is 1 bar at sea level.
- Sometimes I can the sense pressure in the air And I know someone is raising the bar
- The TV's airing the same pressure cooker ad over and over again. It's Torr-turous.
- An air pump (boy) and a tire (girl) went out on a date, but it didn't go too well He just couldn't stop pressuring her
- One day I'll be a star... I'll produce a lot of hot air, my charisma will make other people blind and then I collapse into a black hole because of the pressure that's surrounding me.
- It turns out that you can play a gong using air movement from pressure differences in a room. It's true, you can play gong with the wind.
- One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.
- Why did the barometer get high? Air Pressure
Rib-Tickling Pressure Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about pressure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pressure pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Regal Proceedings
If I was royalty, I would have a kid and call him Artist as a publicity stunt, before conceding to the pressure of public outcry, and renaming him something more regal.
So he may forever become known as The Prince Formerly Known As Artist.
I heard the titanic got a new job...
She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.
I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.
An astronaut was ejected from the ISS n**....
It's OK, though. He felt no pressure.
The wedding night
A young women marries a very rich very old man. On the wedding night they have adjoining suites. The young woman tells her husband that she loves him for his mind and that he should feel no performance pressure. If he feels up to s**... to just knock on her door.
She goes to bed expecting a restful and undisturbed night but about 5 minutes later there is a knock and in comes the old man. They proceed to have fairly rambunctious s**... after which the old man returns to his room. The bride settles back to go to sleep. 10 min later there is another knock at the door and in he comes again, and another round of s**.... Afterward he again leaves. The young bride is very tired by now and is looking forward to a good night's sleep. 10 minutes later there is another knock at the door. She bursts out incredulously, "Again?". The old man opens the door and replies, "What? Have I been here before?"
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
They say there's no opinions in science
But I've seen people get real heated over thermochemistry
And they really melt down when you bring up nuclear engineering
Have you seen how twisted people get when it comes to DNA?
Cartography is the worst, people are just all over the map
You should see how hormonal people get about endocrinology
You can really feel the pressure in the room when someone brings up hydraulics.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
A penguin has some car trouble...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Why did you destroy that u**... cake?
Peer pressure
Why do men f**... more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
Do competitive origami artists ever fold under pressure?
Earth asks Mars...
"Why has venus been so distant lately?"
Mars answers "shes been under a lot of pressure and has really bad gas"
A group of people asked me to make a joke about barometers
but I couldn't handle the pressure
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?
They are both soft and crumble under pressure.
My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond
There's a lot of pressure
I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor
I couldn't handle the pressure.
Why did the boat dock with the all of the other boats?
Pier Pressure
IBM succumbs to feminist pressure
Booleans can now contain the value "maybe".
What's the difference between a s**... and a s**...?
10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change
In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.
A guy goes to the doctor...
The doctor says "You have to stop m**...."
The guy says "Why?"
The doctor says "...because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."
What caused the fisherman to go crazy?
Pier pressure.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Because of pier pressure.
What did King Arthur say when asked about Lancelot's betrayal?
"I don't want to talk about it, I've had a bad knight."
Bonus joke:
Why should you hire submariners?
They have experience working under pressure.
Why do women f**... less than men?
Because they can't keep quiet long enough to build up the required pressure
Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
No pressure
You know what s**...?
Negative Pressure
My New girlfriend is a masseuse
And she is putting way too much pressure on me
Why did the submarine quit its job?
It was under too much pressure.
Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife
I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"
My girlfriend keeps pressuring me...
My girlfriend keeps pressuring me to have s**... on the hood of her Honda Civic.
I told her, "No thanks, we'll do it on my own Accord."
This guy at a party tried pressuring me into getting a tattoo...
..but I reminded him I have the right to bare arms.
The weirdest part about my colonoscopy was
the doctor telling me that I'd feel a bit of pressure, but both of his hands were on my shoulders.
A friend calls his engineer friend
A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engineer answers "I'm washing the dishes and my wife is watching me"
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
According to statistics, the highest s**... rate is found near piers.
I think it's because of pier pressure.
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said "I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.
I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can never come up with shower thoughts....
As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.
One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....
And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
Before he died, my grandfather's last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That's a lot of pressure.
At a job interview I was asked if I can perform under pressure...
I told them no, but I'm really good at Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
Why can't eggs keep secrets?
Because they tend to crack under pressure
A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages
You could see they're into Relative Dating.
...
*Sigh*
I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.
Please stay gneiss in the comments.
So Betsy DeVos resigned...
I guess some people were starting to pressure her to invoke the 25th amendment and she got scared because she can't count that high.
At a job interview."Can you perform under pressure?"
No ,but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!
An Attorney and a Doctor in court...
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...
he turns into Neil Diamond.
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
