The Best 78 Press Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Press jokes. There are some press squeeze jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these press press bell puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Press Jokes and Puns

How to check whether you have a fast PC...

Click anywhere on your desktop (not on icon).

Quickly press on keyboard Ctrl+A then Enter.

So you will know.

There's something about pressing F5...

Thats just so refreshing

A man calls home to his wife after an accident at the factory.

He says, "I had a bad accident with a punch press, and it cut off my finger."

She asks, "The whole finger?"

He replies, "No, the one next to it."

Press joke, A man calls home to his wife after an accident at the factory.

A middle school in Oregon

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.


A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

I figured out how to talk to girls

Just walk up to them and press A.

Press joke, I figured out how to talk to girls

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

Why do Muslims love esprssso?

It's not so much that they love espresso. They just really hate the French press.

You can explore press atr reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean press delusional dad jokes. There are also press puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee?

Because they hate French Press!

What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?

French press.

(Too soon?)

What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

They both hate the French press

I like pressing f5.

It's so refreshing.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

Press joke, Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

French press

Politics is like a car

you press "D" to go forward and "R" to go back

What is green and if you press a button its red?

A frog in a mixer.


The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

A blonde goes to a doctor...

"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde

"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.

She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.

"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.

"Cover up the cut in your finger."

A man went to his doctor...

Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts.

Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.

Did you hear about the guy who crushes Pepsi cans with a hydraulic press?

It's sodapressing.

Never iron a four leaf clover...

You don't want to press your luck.

Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct

Press 1 for the money
2 for the show

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

Just received a text message...

Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.

My inability to proofread increases by 1000% after I press send.

Danmit

In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes?

You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day.

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

Did you hear about that guy who died from crushing a Coke in a hydraulic press?

It was soda-pressing.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

During today's press conference, someone asked the mayor of Houston about his opinion on Roe vs Wade.

He said "Honestly, I don't care how people get back to their houses."

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE

One day Donald Trump's nudes will leak...

And he'll do a press conference where he will announce: FAKE NUUUUDES

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...

Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…

I've just received a phone call saying I've won £250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...

...it said press 1 for the money, 2 for the show

A priest notices a little boy down the street

Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Why couldn't the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?

No Flash photography.

I had a friend who said he liked to practice self control.

I didn't know what he meant until I saw him press the cross walk button only once.

Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show then it said.

Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press my research is meaningless if taken out of context!

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

An edited version of a joke that's been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.

The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, why did you only arrest the proton?

To which one of the officers replied, well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn't know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.

Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".

The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

Trump and Pense at a press briefing.

Trump: if we tested less, we'd have less cases .
Pense: fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that in public .

A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day...

The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend: "What the hell do they see in that wimp?"

"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.

"A hundred pounds?!?" The bodybuilder snorts. "Hell, I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!!"

The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

1! 3! 5! 7! 9!

Another meathead:
Do you even lift bro

Meathead: Nah I only odd lift bro

Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big boobs and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".

So I did.

I want people's opinions to help me decide something...

I've just received an automated phone call saying I've won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

What do they call a pushup in Paris?

A French press

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

The only time I've been mechanically inclined

Is when I press the recline button on my couch

Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida

Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

Gyms must remain open...

...the constitution guarantees freedom of the press

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we'd have less cases.

Pence: Fewer.

Trump: Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.

Why do Karens like to press ctrl alt delete?

Because from there they can access the task manager

After getting away with murder for 52 years, the Zodiac Killer has revealed his identity to the press.

He didn't want to be associated with Ted Cruz.

A friend was having trouble with her oldschool mechanical typewriter.

She said 'It's great to have such a retro device, however it doesn't work properly'.

I asked 'What is wrong with it?'

She replied 'Well some of the keys get stuck and I have to move them back manually'

'Ah I think I have a solution'

'Please tell me'

'Well what you need to do is press W, D, 4, T, all at once and it should loosen up'.

How do Germans make a Panini?

On a Glutenberg Press

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office...

another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

Watch out for a scam phone call.

The caller says, You have won $1.000.000 dollars


or Tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute Concert.


Just press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.

A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."

He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the press push jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working press journalists piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes