Presidents Day Jokes
92 presidents day jokes and hilarious presidents day puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about presidents day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Presidents Day Short Jokes
Short presidents day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The presidents day humour may include short workers day jokes also.
- Election Day Drinking Game: Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.
- I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.
- What's the best thing about being Joe Biden? Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.
- 60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for... Coronavirus for president!
- Knock knock. Who's there? Trump. Trump who? Exactly. Happy Trumps Not President Anymore Day!
- Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Teach a man to fire and he'll run for president.
- We have essentially Elected 4chan for the 45th president of the United States. This is a day that will go down in Infameme.
- Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president
- Honestly, im glad Trump became president, crime dropped his first day on the job. Real estate fraud worldwide dropped within 24 hours
- A day before the elections Hillary tells Bill: "You know, tomorrow there will be two presidents in one bed." Next day Bill asks Hillary: "So.. do I wait Trump here or should I go over to his place?"
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Presidents Day One Liners
Which presidents day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with presidents day? I can suggest the ones about veterans day and memorial day.
- 69 more days left in the Trump Presidency. Nice.
- What do you call the president when he's having a bad day? Donald Grump.
- I bumped into president Obama the other day It hurt
- Happy President's Day - 2/-25/2017 Get it?
- It took Michelle Obama two presidencies to get kids outside... and Nintendo two days.
- My son may one day ask me, "Will there ever be a white president?"
- Why can't you trust the President? Because he Lysol day.
- I wish I could be smart for one day. Being President every day s**....
- "LBJ" was a president... Not a Spanish term for h**... Day activities.
Presidents Day Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about presidents day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean columbus day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make presidents day pranks.
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen.
He asks her if she would like to play a game.
She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends.
No one knows the answer.
So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.
The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.
Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."
The pope was visiting New York
His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"
One day bush went jogging...
One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.
The first boy said, Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!
I'll personally hand it to you, said Bush. I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos, the second boy said.
I'll buy them myself and give them to you, said Bush. And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it, said the third boy.
I'll personally … wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!
No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tough choice
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
Ronald Reagan
Ronald Reagan's doctor comes to him and says,"I'm afraid it's Alzheimer's, Mr. President."
Reagan muses this information over then replies,"Well, I always say 'trust, but verify' so verify it to me doctor."
The doctor goes and has extensive tests done on Reagan's brain and even calls in a second doctor for confirmation. After waiting a few days for the results he visits Reagan again.
"Mr. President, I have conclusive evidence that my prior diagnosis was correct.", the doctor says confidently.
"What diagnosis?", Reagan replies confused.
"The one that said you have Alzheimer's.", the doctor said mouth gaping open.
"Oh, well I always say, 'trust, but verify' so..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Condoms
One day the president of the largest c**... company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"
A joke we tell tourists in china
Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta.
Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant he had no education and spoke no english.
So the chinese officials prepared the old chinese discoverer with a few basic english phrases such as:
"hi, how are you"
"Fine, you?"
"Me too"
The day finally came and, naturally, the old chinese discoverer was nervous to be meeting Clinton. None the less he went through the english he was taught in his head and wasn't going to lose face.
Smiling, Clinton approached the old chinese discoverer and said, "Hello"
The chinese discoverer paused briefly to recall, but out of nervousness mispronounced; "Hi, who are you?"
"I am the President of the United States and the husband of this lovely lady," a surprised Clinton said while pointing at his wife.
"Me too," he replied
The Wasp
There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.
Wee Joe fae Glasgow...
After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.
After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.
That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President.
"I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said.
"Aye, nae bother!" said the Scotsman.
"That's an interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?"
"Glasgow," Joe replied.
The President look perplexed. "Glasgow? Sorry, what state is that in?"
"Oh, pretty much the same as New York is now."
The Coolidge effect
The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
End of the world
Scientists predict the end of the world, they say that there will be a huge tsunami on earth in 2 weeks. So presidents of all nations are now on tv to speak about it. It starts with Barrack Obama: " My fellow americans, you have now 15 days to spend all of your dollars, so just buy some stuff and enjoy while you can". Vladimir Poutine: "Mother Russia will be devastated in 2 weeks, and there will be nowhere else to live so i decided that you are now all free to speak and express yourself, enjoy it ". Then in Israël, Bibi starts: "We have 15 days to figure out how we're gonna live under water..."
Ronald Reagan's Memory
One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first Jewish president
On his first day in office, he calls his mother.
"Mom, you really have to come out to DC and check out the white house, it is amazing. Rachel and I would love to have you over.
" Out there, with all the g**...? Its too busy for me."
"How's about a weekend at camp david. Its really nice and quiet, and its got a nice Jewish name."
"Alright, I got to go, but I'll discuss with your father." She hangs up with her son and the ladies at her bridge table ask, "so who was that?"
"Oh it was my son" the ladies with excitement squeal "The doctor?"
"No," she sighs. "The other one."
Putin is at a press conference...
Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.
Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes
Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And maybe we will close a 5 billion dollar deal if you put our logo very tiny in a little corner...
Putin: Hmm, I have discuss this
*Putin whispers to his Prime Minister*: Psst, Medvedev, when ends the Aquafresh contract?
President's Day jokes
Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A. Because he couldn't lie.
Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A. Presidentures!
Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
A. Really, really, really old!
Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
A Jewish man is elected president...
Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"
"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."
"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.
The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.
"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "
An ambitious Chinese man named Hoo Ming wanted to run for president. He understood the problems that Americans faced every day and so he wanted to show everyone he planned to solve it by making it his slogan...
Hoo Cares!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The president of a popular mail-order business just died.
The f**... will be held in 3 - 5 business days.
I was talking to a friend's little girl...
I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.
A child tells the make a wish foundation.
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
Career day is coming up at my school and the president will attend
Thankfully i'm not American
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect
Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?
Trump's first tweet on his first day as president.
Just visited Area 51. Aliens are real! Government has been lying for too long. Very bad!
Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents
Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States
-Eisenhower
-Kennedy
-Johnson
-Nixon
-Ford
-Carter
-Reagan
-Bush
-Clinton
-GW Bush
-Obama
But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump
Obama's no longer President
January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Israeli doctor says
"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ...
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs:
"You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President...Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
Unfortunately, I don't have the day off from work tomorrow.
Doesn't that make it "not my President's Day"?
Today is Presidents' Day.
However, if all goes according to plan, next year it will be Steve Bannon day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On President's Day
On President's day, the POTUS steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get 8 more weeks of b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gary Johnson woke up the day after the election...
Gary Johnson: "What happened? Am I president?"
Doctor: Sir, we found you passed out n**... in the desert.
Gary Johnson: Far out man.
What do you call the most unpopular president ever after his first 100 days?
Mister President.
Another Trump joke
An american was driving his car until he ended up in a traffic jam.
After a long time of waiting and standing with his car, without moving any further, a policeman appeared and knocked on his window.
"Good day Sir, some terrorists kidnapped the President and will soak him in gasoline and burn him, if the government won't pay them 10 million dollar. We are currently asking the citizens, if they are willing to donate something."
The man took his wallet, looked insinde and asked the policeman:
"Just tell me: how much did the other drivers give?"
"About 20 to 50"
"Dollar?"
"No. Gallons"
Trump and Putin are comparing whose bodyguards are the bravest.
Trump starts, *"Mine are tremendously brave. They're terrific... fantastic... absolutely courageous."*
He gestures to one of his guards, *"Show how brave you are by jumping out of the window."*
The guard obediently stands on the ledge. Before jumping, he tells Trump, *"Please Mr. President, think of my family."*
Trump is reduced to tears, *"You've proven your loyalty. Take the day off."*
It's Putin's turn. Without even the slightest gesture, his bodyguard knows what to do. He stands on the ledge and prepares to jump.
*"That's enough!"*, Trump shouts, *"Climb back down now!"*
The guard replies, *"Please Mr. President, think of my family."*
An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.
One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides behind a curtain.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" shouts the teacher.
The kid says, "Deleting Twitter."
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
Putin planned a holiday trip to the U.S. for the President's Day weekend sales...
but he cancelled at the last minute when he remembered he'd already bought one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "h**... President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
Donald Trump is taking questions from journalists on his last day in office.
One journalist asks him, "President Trump, do you have a final thing to say to the American people as our president?"
Trump then looks into the camera, bows deeply, and yells, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"
President Trump and Pope Francis on a cruise
President Trump and Pope Francis happen to run into each other while on an international cruise. It was quite a windy day out of the sea when the Popes hat flew off the ship and into the sea. President Trump immediately climbs overboard to fetch the Popes hat. In astonishment, the Pope looks overboard to see what just happened. He cannot believe what he sees. President Trump is not swimming, but walking on the water over to his hat. President Trump comes back to the Pope with the hat while he remained dry.
The media the next day came out with the following headline...
BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN NOT SWIM
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
President Trump is in Israel for the m**... Summit. He gets ill and dies...
President Trump is in Israel for the m**... Summit. He gets ill and dies.
The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.
The aides confer and tell the official that they will take the body home.
The official asks why they would do that rather than accept the immense gift of burial in the Holy Land.
The aides reply: A long time ago someone was buried here and arose 3 days later. We can't take that chance.
A man on death row is given a final wish...
...The man wishes to meet the president before he is executed. The president decides to visit the man before he is executed, and arrives the day before the execution.
The man is visibly distrust, and does not notice the president waiting. After a minute the president is getting annoyed after having to wait for so long. The president proceeds to call out for the man to talk to him
"Pardon you, have some patience."
The president was angered by this and yelled
"Pardon me? Pardon me?? PARDON YOU!"
With this the man thanked him and left.
Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.
We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.
Marine...
it is ok Marine... some day in the future an American President will travel great distances to honor your sacrifice. Unless of course it's raining.
The Art of the Deal
A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:
"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so you know it's authentic!"
"Wow, really? How much?"
"$5 a piece."
"I'll take 20!"
Needless to say, he came in with a Washington, and left with a Franklin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
In these trying times, we all need to put our differences aside and make a special prayer for President Donald Trump. I suggest Psalm 109:8 ...
... "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
President Trump wakes up one winter morning and looks out the Whitehouse window to see the words "Trump s**...!" Written in u**... in the snow.
Outraged, he tasks the Secret Service to find out who is responsible.
Later that day the director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and asks, "Sir, we have an answer. Do you want the bad news or the worse news?"
"Give me the bad news."
"We got the DNA test back on the u**..., it belongs to the vice president."
"That's the bad news?" Trump exclaims, "what could be worse than that?"
"Well," says the agent, "it was in the First Lady's hand writing."
My sister made 44 cupcakes with an assortment of red, white, and blue frosting for an independence day dinner.
"Why 44?" I asked her. "Because that's the number of real presidents this country has actually had?"
(This actually just happened.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
President Clinton and the Pope die on the same day.
Due to a paperwork issue, the Pope ends up in h**... and the President gets sent to Heaven. The Pope explains the mix up to the devil, who acknowledges the problem and tells him it will take 24 hours before they can reverse it. The next day, the Pope gets called to leave, and on his way up he met Clinton who was on his way down.
The Pope: Sorry about the mix up
Clinton: No problem
The Pope: Well I'm really excited about going to Heaven
Clinton: Why's that? It's not so great
The Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the v**... Mary
Clinton: Sorry, your holiness, but you're a day late
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.
Old Egyptian joke
In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.
Later that night, the man cannot not sleep and fears he might have made the wrong decision. So the next day he goes to the poll workers
"I believe I have voted for the wrong option yesterday," he says. "I want to change my vote to a yes"
The poll worker smiles at him and says:
"No problem we corrected it for you but don't do it again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm
When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."
Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."
When the President came by the henhouse, the guide dutifully told him what his wife had said.
"Same hen every time?" the President asked.
"Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time."
The President nodded his head. "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.
To my suprise she said presidents day.
I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.
She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull s**....
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.
On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car c**..." or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
