presidential Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious presidential puns

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

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Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

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What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

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In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

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USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

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It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

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What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

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With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

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50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

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Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

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BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...

Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

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Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.

Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"

"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."

"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"

"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."

"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"

"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."

Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:

"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

*gasp* "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

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This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone...

...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole.

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With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

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A scientist invents a lie detector

The machine is able to analyse speech patterns and detect lies, beeping whenever it detects a lie. To demonstrate it,he plays it a video of bill clinton, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman', * beep*.

He takes it to the presidential debates, Hillary says " I am probably the best qualified woman for the job." *beep".
Trump seizes the moment and says " See, she's lying! Crooked Hillary, just like I said." Everyone waits, but there's no beep. Anderson Cooper turns to Trump and says, "Mr. Trump, your response",

Trump says " I think..." *beep*

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The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

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The American Presidential Campaign is a lot like the new Mac.

**There is no escape.**

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A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet."

Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking hot?"

The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."

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What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.

inspired by the presidential gum joke.

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On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

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Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

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What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

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President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter.

They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "Mr. President, take down your trousers."

Obama looks horrified. "We owe him THAT MUCH!!!"

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Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards the presidential limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?

Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

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Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

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Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

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Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.

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Newt Gingrich would probably leave the presidential race...

if he learned it had cancer.

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While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

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Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

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What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

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What are the most funny Presidential jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Presidential? Well, here are the best Presidential dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Presidential pick up lines to share with friends.

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