Silly Presidential Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!
The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
So Rick Perry drops his presidential bid Today..
I thought his campaign wasn't for late term abortions.
Newt Gingrich would probably leave the presidential race...
if he learned it had cancer.
Obama walks into a bar.....
Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.
Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"
"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."
"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were t**... hotspots not too long ago?"
"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."
"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"
"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."
Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:
"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.
Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...
She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate.
I too only run once every four years.
Presidential clock
After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"
My previous relationship was like a presidential term.
It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!
No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.
We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
My brother's now ok with me calling him r**....
All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are r**....
This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".
"Whoever wins... We lose."
You can explore presidential reelect reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean presidential obama dad jokes. There are also presidential puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The presidential footrace
Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.
An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...
An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." They took him seriously...
...apparently America did too.
With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...
... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.
Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump
Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election, because the last time a Clinton was in office, it left a bad taste in her mouth.
While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."
Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?
Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.
Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.
The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"
If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down...
That's why Bill had Monica.
The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding...
It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!
Normally I hate those t**..., fake, rigged reality TV shows...
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
After the presidential debate, they debate about the debate.
Mind Blown
Who lost the American Presidential Debate?
America.
So the presidential debate is tonight.
Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.
I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...
I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.
Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate.
And America walks out
Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns
By keeping his mouth shut.
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?
Exspearamint.
inspired by the presidential gum joke.
Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.
If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.
The American Presidential Campaign is a lot like the new Mac.
**There is no escape.**
People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election.
That's because I've got 2020 vision.
Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?
The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked
The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...
Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.
If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years
then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye
On the bright side of the election
There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.
Junk foods are so versatile!
A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say
Make America Great Britain again!
Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!
As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican
Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election?
Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.
What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?
Hindsight is 2020
What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?
An algorithm.
I heard bad news on the way over here:the Donald Trump Presidential Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a total loss.
Worse yet, he hasn't finished coloring the second one.
Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon
Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.
In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.
I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.
All this trump merchandise made me wonder
We have make America great again hats, t shirts, and socks, but I've never seen a make America great again dress. I thought for a moment before realizing that presidential matter on dresses was bill clinton's thing.
Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...
He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.
The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...
and Trump can not tell the difference
There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States...
One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.
Did you hear about the time Donald Trump made James Comey have lunch with him?
I heard it was a presidential man-date.
50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign
Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50
Such a deal maker.
I like dark humor
So I turn off the lights while reading presidential tweets.
What starts on a toilet seat and ends up in Smithsonian
Presidential Tweet
What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?
2nd place in a presidential election.
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election
I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.
Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.
Joke from my Russian friend about the last presidential election:
Advisor: Putin! I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Putin: The good news of course.
Advisor: You won the election!
Putin: So then whats the bad news?
Advisor: No one voted for you.
What do you call two clueless, old men.
Presidential Candidates
What do you call it when you see two s**... predators running?
2020 US Presidential Election
SNL does great parodies of presidential debates.
For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.
What's missing from tonight's presidential debate?
The laugh track.
How is a presidential debate like the show The View?
Both have a couple of idiots talking over each other and not making a point.
Who won the presidential debate last night?
People who didn't watch
You think the Presidential debate was hard to watch?
Think of what it was like for the sign language interpreters.
The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there's no flow it's just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can't perform for too long
we truly have Electile Dysfunction
What do call the world's biggest puppet show?
The US presidential election.
I missed the Vice Presidential debate...
Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?
What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?
About 70 years
Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?
Because he wanted to make America grate again.
What do strippers and presidential candidates have in common?
They both go up and down polls
Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning
the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!
I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning
The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.
Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about a science book.
Donald Trump's resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.
There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election
and despite cheating, Trump still lost!
Recently Trump was asked if likes riding in the presidential Limo or the Sedan
He said he actually prefers driving a coup
Joe exotic was hoping for a Presidential pardon and even had a limo waiting
but it was a stretch.
What's the Presidential ventilator called?
Forced Air One
Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...
God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.
Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?
God: Joseph R. Biden
Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* s**... dude, this goes even deeper than we thought
Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos
The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm
Presidential
Jill and Joe Biden go to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. The waiter asks, What about your vegetable? Jill replies, Oh, he will have the same.
There has been a devastating fire in russian president Putin's presidential library
Both books were destroyed!
But even worse is that he only finished coloring one of them!
The Donald Trump Presidential Library burned down last week.
Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.
