presidential Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious presidential puns

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

*gasp* "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

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Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

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What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

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In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ

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USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

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A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet."

Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking hot?"

The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."

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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

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It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

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What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

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Bill Clinton is showing a new female intern around the White House

They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her, "Want to go into the oval office and see the presidential clock?"

The intern, hesitating, says, "Well, Mr. President, seeing all the stuff that has been happening with you, I don't know if that is a good idea or not."

Bill tells her, "C'mon, what harm can be done. It is only a clock."

The intern finally agrees. They both walk into the oval office and Bill suddenly drops his pants.

The intern yells, "That's not the presidential clock, that's the presidential cock!"

Bill then tells her, "Baby, once you put two hands and a face on it, it becomes a presidential clock"

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With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

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50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

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The Presidential Debate

We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

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Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

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BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...

Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

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Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.

Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"

"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."

"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"

"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."

"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"

"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."

Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:

"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

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This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone...

...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole.

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With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

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A scientist invents a lie detector

The machine is able to analyse speech patterns and detect lies, beeping whenever it detects a lie. To demonstrate it,he plays it a video of bill clinton, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman', * beep*.

He takes it to the presidential debates, Hillary says " I am probably the best qualified woman for the job." *beep".
Trump seizes the moment and says " See, she's lying! Crooked Hillary, just like I said." Everyone waits, but there's no beep. Anderson Cooper turns to Trump and says, "Mr. Trump, your response",

Trump says " I think..." *beep*

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What will they play at the presidential inauguration if Republicans win?

Trump-ets

I'll see myself out

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The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

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The American Presidential Campaign is a lot like the new Mac.

**There is no escape.**

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What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.

inspired by the presidential gum joke.

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Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

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What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

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On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

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President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter.

They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "Mr. President, take down your trousers."

Obama looks horrified. "We owe him THAT MUCH!!!"

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Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards the presidential limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?

Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

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Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

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Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

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Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.

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Newt Gingrich would probably leave the presidential race...

if he learned it had cancer.

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While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

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What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

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Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

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A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"

The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

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Donald Trump's Presidential Campaign

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The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie.

Whoever wins, we lose.

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If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down...

That's why Bill had Monica.

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Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to

Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter

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In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

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Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...

She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

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What is the biggest joke in the world as of now?

The current US presidential election

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A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

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Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate.

And America walks out

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How did Trump win the Presidential Race?

He was Russian

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All this trump merchandise made me wonder

We have make America great again hats, t shirts, and socks, but I've never seen a make America great again dress. I thought for a moment before realizing that presidential matter on dresses was bill clinton's thing.

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My brother's now ok with me calling him retarded.

All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are retarded.

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An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...

An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." They took him seriously...

...apparently America did too.

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Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump

Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election, because the last time a Clinton was in office, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

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This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

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Islamic state claimed responsibility

for american presidential elections.

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Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election?

Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.

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Did you hear about the time Donald Trump made James Comey have lunch with him?

I heard it was a presidential man-date.

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Presidential clock

After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"

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The Baby Boomers decided to leave us with one last present.

This Presidential election.

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As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate.

I too only run once every four years.

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People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election.

That's because I've got 2020 vision.

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Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

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I heard bad news on the way over here:the Donald Trump Presidential Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a total loss.

Worse yet, he hasn't finished coloring the second one.

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The presidential footrace

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.

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So Rick Perry drops his presidential bid Today..

I thought his campaign wasn't for late term abortions.

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What starts on a toilet seat and ends up in Smithsonian

Presidential Tweet

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I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

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In addition to asking presidential candidates for birth certificates, they definitely need to start asking this.

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office.

She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"

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If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye

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(NSFW) The 2016 Presidential election was like lesbian porn.

Always fun to watch two pussies try to fuck each other, but it would have been better with a Johnson on top.

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*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

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My previous relationship was like a presidential term.

It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!

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After the presidential debate, they debate about the debate.

Mind Blown

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The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp

People were too confused about which side to spit on

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I was surprised while watching the presidential debate last night...

I didn't know my TV had the comedy channel.

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The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding...

It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

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So the presidential debate is tonight.

Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.

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I was going to tell a joke about Donald Trump's presidential campaign..

but then I realized it was racist, too long, and didn't make any sense.

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Why are they called jokes?

Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry.

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why did the 2016 presidential election suck?

It was a real Hack job.

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What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders.

"Feel the Johnson"

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The Presidential Clock

Bill: Do you want to see the Presidential Clock?

Monica: Sure!

Bill: Okay. (Unzips pants and pulls it out)

Monica: That don't look like no clock I ever saw Sir.

Bill: It will if you put a face and two hands on it.

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I hope Hilary gets elected.

So taxpayers can save 23% on paying the presidential salary.

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Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?

Congress confirmed him without a hearing.

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There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States...

One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.

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I'm not racist, but some races are simply inherently more important than others.

For example, the presidential race is much more important than some 100m dash.

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4 words

Donald Trump Presidential Library

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Trump, Pence, and Paul Ryan and traveling together

President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan are traveling together in a presidential convoy. A tornado comes along, sweeps up their vehicle and launches them hundreds of yards away.


When they regain consciousness they realize they've been transported to the magical Land of Oz.


They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting wishes.


Pence says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."


Paul Ryan adds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."


Trump looks around and asks, "Where's Dorothy?"

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"I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."

--Stephen Hawking

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Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

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Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support?

Whichever can reduce inflation.

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What do you call Trump riding the presidential plane?

Hair Force One

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What do Monica Lewinsky and an Asian political correspondent have in common?

All they talk about is the presidential erection

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Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

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Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election?

I'm Biden my time.

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Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?

She was let down by a weak Constitution.

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I decided to vote for the most presidential and least controversial person I saw on the debate last night...

So I'm going to vote for Lester Holt.

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What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

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Donald Trumps presidential codename should be Agent Orange.

I love the smell of no juan in the morning.

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French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

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There once was a woman named Ricity Thompson.

She was a successful politician, eventually becoming a popular presidential candidate. People were enthusiastic about her campaign, many chanting for her to be elected. Her opponent, Geoffrey McDonald, was also popular, and it was tough to say who would become the POTUS. Until that fateful November afternoon: the votes were tallying up, more than had ever been seen. The voting machine couldn't process all the information. Overloaded, it began to malfunction, releasing an electric bolt that hit McDonald square in the chest. Indeed, in the end, his downfall was elect Ricity.

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How do you know a presidential candidate is lying?

Their lips are moving.

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Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate?

Because he was running on CP time.

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And the winner of the 2016 presidential election is Hillary!

- Steve Harvey

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The 2016 Presidential Election ended in a tie

So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the next man up is in a bit better physical shape in 15 minutes even. Hilary Clinton wanting to assure the country is safe from Donald Trump cuts a few corners to improve her time. At the finish line Obama informs her she ran a time of 10 minutes 17 seconds. "Wow!" Hilary responds "10:17 must be a record!" jumping for joy. "Not exactly" States Obama. "Bush did 9:11"

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Turtle on a fence post

This is an old political one but relevant to today's presidential, ahem, "situation". Enjoy!

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong there; you wonder who put him there; he can't get anything done while he's up there; and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."

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Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

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It's hard to win an argument against a woman. Impossible to win against an idiot

And that concludes my examination of the 2016 Presidential election

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I like dark humor

So I turn off the lights while reading presidential tweets.

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What's between a cunt and an asshole?

The tainted presidential election.

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You know which presidential candidate in 2020 will have the hardest time?

Tom Cotton.


Having to tell black people to "Pick Cotton!" in 2020.

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Racist Presidential Joke

If I say the president is half white, does that make me an optimist?

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Donald Trump and the 2016 Presidential Election

I would make a political joke about it but then it would get elected.

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The Presidential Election for 2016 is like a blunt pencil.

Pointless.

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Major takeaway of the USA 2016 presidential elections...

...Mexicans

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2020 Presidential Campaign Slogan

"A Clear Vision for America"

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I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate,

Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.

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Our Sins

So what if the whole Hilary/Trump presidential race is a result of of that last guy who didn't forward that chain mail causing the end of the world...

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Have you heard of the new Lego Presidential Building Set?

It's called My First Wall . It comes with a few pesos as a refund.

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The incoming presidential cabinet is like Ikea furniture.

The directions come from something impossible to read, it will barely last 4 years and definitely has a few screws loose.

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The Republicans asked the Democrats what it would take

to stop being considered stupid. The democrats said "Just put forth one presidential candidate who can make a brain surgeon look like an idiot."

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Donald Trump says he'll be more presidential from now on

No Juan believes that!

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This upcoming USA presidential election

That's it... that's the punch line.

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United States Presidential Elections, 2016

And the candidates

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The US Presidential choice is now all about choosing between ....

.....the one who was weak
with E-mails and the
one who was weak
with Fe-males....!!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA

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The common connection between Hillary Clinton and Acid

Trying to fall asleep on acid is like Hillary's presidential career. No matter how much you force it, its never going to happen.

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Plans are already underway for a Trump Library...

It's the first time a Presidential library will have *just* scratch and sniff books.

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What do the NBA and the presidential election have in common?

There's only two candidates, and nobody wants either of them to win!

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Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him...

People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.

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The newest Presidential Fitness award will go to kids who..

do not sweat while they eat.

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I passed the presidential fitness test!

It was so much easier than last time.

All I had to do was tweet some nonsense and talk about sexually harassing my classmates!

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How many Trump spokesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

There is no need to fix the light. Darkness is modern day presidential.

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Who will Donald Trump blame when he loses the presidential bid?

​Of course every Juan!

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I know who's gonna win the next presidential election...

you could say I have 2020 vision.

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A new punchline for 'The last time X happened' jokes...

Donald Trump's presidential campaign was considered a joke

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Robert Mugabe admits to playing World of Warcraft

You are not in this Presidential group.
Please leave office or you will be teleported to the nearest graveyard in 59..58...57

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Why did it always take so long for President Obama to get into the presidential limo?

The driver got scared and kept pressing the door lock button when he saw him approach.

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The incel party presidential candidate was doing quite well until he advocated for excecution of all men who have had sex.

Another election lost because of hanging chads.

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This presidential election has inspired me to vote

to legalise euthanization

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Why does the Russian presidential election smell bad?

Cause the winners always pootin'

-Sorry

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The George Dubya Bush Presidential Library burned down…

All three books were destroyed.

Two of 'em hadn't even been coloured in yet.

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Can't you just feel the excitement in the air?!!?

Only one more day left until the start of the 2020 Presidential Election Season!!

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Why did Obama win the presidential race?

Because Kenyan's usually win in the long run.

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How many Puerto Rican voters have to die before Trump decides to save one?

All of them. Puerto Ricans can't vote in the presidential election....

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Cam Newton isn't really a sexist...

He's just getting a jump on his Presidential Campaign.

Newton '20

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I don't know if this american election is an actually presidential election or an iq test

These damn american's are sure failing the IQ test

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If Trump wins the election ...

What will the presidential candidate for the next election choose as his/her campaign motto?

"Make America good again."

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What will the presidential candidate for the next election choose as his/her campaign motto?

"Make America *good* again"

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What Did Chris Christie Give Up For Lent?

The US Presidential Campaign!

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What are the best Presidential puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Presidential? Well, here are the best jokes about Presidential to have fun with.

Joko Jokes