President Of The United States Jokes
108 president of the united states jokes and hilarious president of the united states puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about president of the united states that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest President Of The United States Short Jokes
Short president of the united states jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The president of the united states humour may include short jokes also.
- What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States of America.
- I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.
- I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States
- Donald Trump was the President of United States It's not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
- Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!
- People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him. I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.
- I think it was totally disrespectful for Joe Biden to call the President of the United States a clown. As a clown, I'm extremely offended
- Jokes are just like presidents of the United States. They're old and they're just here to get votes.
- Is it really 2016? Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.
- The president announced that Oklahoma was taking over the United States. He said, "Don't worry, the US will be OK."
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President Of The United States One Liners
Which president of the united states one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with president of the united states? I can suggest the ones about and .
- In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president
- Who was the 45th Vice President of the United States? [Warning: Gore]
- In the UK, United States Vice President's opinion isn't worth much It's only a pence.
- The next President of the United States. The joke is in the title , but it makes me cry.
- Who is the 45th president of the United States? The answer is a no-brainer!
- The president of the United States has resigned Now these are unpresidented times
- Who had the easiest path to the presidency of the United States? Mike Pence
- My new toothpaste reminds me of the united states next president I can feel the burn
- Who served as the 45th Vice President of the United States?
- What do you get when you cross snookie with a business man? The United States President
- What's Orange and filled with lies? The President of the United States of America.
- About the Presidency of the United States If it ain't Barack, don't fix it. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
- What President of the United States smells the worst? The-Odor-e Roosevelt.
President Of The United States Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about president of the united states you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make president of the united states pranks.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States
They call it the Im-peached orange.
They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.
One day bush went jogging...
One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.
The first boy said, Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!
I'll personally hand it to you, said Bush. I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos, the second boy said.
I'll buy them myself and give them to you, said Bush. And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it, said the third boy.
I'll personally … wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!
No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill and Hilary Clinton, a boy, and an elderly man are on a plane
...when the plane starts going down. Unfortunately there was only 3 parachutes.
Bill says "I was president of the United States so i should take one."
So he grabs a c**... and jumps.
Hillary says "I'm the smartest person in the world, so i should go."
So she grabs a c**... and jumps.
Then the elderly man says "I've lived my life boy, you take the last c**..."
The boy says "Wait there's still two parachutes, the smartest person in the world took my backpack"
Sleeping with POTUS
The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
A large plane crashed...
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
Air Force One crashes in a field..
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
50th Anniversary Tour
This year, 60s rock group The Byrds will be embarking on a tour of the United States for the 50th anniversary of their formation. The band announced that former President George Bush will be joining them on stage for several of their songs, however, Bush will be playing both guitar and keyboards in order to cut costs. This just goes to show that a Bush in the band is worth two of the Byrds.
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
An open letter to the President of the United States.
Dear Mr. President
I know where you live.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An airplane is about to c**... with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and old man and a young boy...
Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.
Barack Obama said I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower! So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
Hillary Clinton, said I am the future first female President of the United States and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the 2nd parachute and exits the plane.
The old man kneels down to the young boy and says, "I am old and frail and I've lived many years, you take the last parachute."
The young boy responds, It's ok! We have enough parachutes. The world's smartest woman jumped out of the airplane with my backpack.
What's better than being the first Black President of the United States?
Being the 45th white one.
I'm really glad that Obama won in 2008 and was able to be the first black president of the United States of America
his back up job was to be the first white president of Kenya.
The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A comedian, a r**..., and the President of the United States are in an elevator ..
and then Barack says to the other guy "Always liked you most in The Cosby Show".
Roses are red, violets are blue...
Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.
That's why he passed Obamacare and the stimulus and Dodd-Frank and the deal with Iran. It is a systematic effort to change America. When I'm president of the United States, we are going to re-embrace all the things that made America the greatest nation in the world and we are going to leave our children with what they deserve: the single greatest nation in the history of the world.
What is noisy, ignorant, angry, never uses big words, does not have big hands, and is running for the President of the United States?
A dog chasing Obama's limousine, what else?
We have essentially Elected 4chan for the 45th president of the United States.
This is a day that will go down in Infameme.
2016
where Leiceister City defies the odds of 3000/1 to win the league title, Cubs win the world series, and Donald Trump is elected as the president of the United States
United States once again votes for a minority President!
Donald J Trump is believed to be the first orange President to be elected in the history of the United States.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On 2008 the United States elected their first black president...
... on 2016 they elected their first orange president.
Dear Media,
You're Fired!
Sincerely,
President Donald J. Trump
The 45th President of the United States of America
Finally my young children
live in a country where they actually see with their own eyes that a Rich White Man can truly be President of the United States! Im in tears ... like most Americans.
You know what they say about men with small hands?
They become President of the United States.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If the voting recount flips the outcome of the election, I have the perfect guy to call Trump and tell him that he's no longer going to be President...
Steve Harvey.
"I have to apologize.....the 1st runner-up, is Trump. The next President of the United States is...Hillary Clinton!"
*DEEP INHALE*
"***WRONG***"
Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents
Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States
-Eisenhower
-Kennedy
-Johnson
-Nixon
-Ford
-Carter
-Reagan
-Bush
-Clinton
-GW Bush
-Obama
But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?
President of the United States
Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak.
Now he's president of the United States.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I Do Bad In A Test...
I remind myself that I am more intelligent than the president of the United States of America.
Obama walks into a bar, but he's invisible.
The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."
Why is everybody questioning Trump's integrity?
He is not taking the salary usually given by the United States to be the President. He honestly feels he should not be paid by more than one government.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012
Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?
Obama: President?? You have to be s**..., ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!
Trump: Perfect, I will see you on your way out then.
Obama: What???
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.
Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."
Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and two years later he won the gold medal in the olympic games!"
Says the 3rd: "Amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode s**... and drunk in front of a train. All that remained were his b**... and the blonde mane of his horse. I did the surgery on him and today he is the president of the United States."
Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English
Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.
An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.
One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides behind a curtain.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" shouts the teacher.
The kid says, "Deleting Twitter."
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.
Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
trump challenged Tillerson to an IQ test, and there was only one question on the test...
If the President of the United States and the President of the US v**... Islands are in an elevator, how many people are in the elevator?
The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world
The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:
"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"
Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:
"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".
After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:
"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a s**... predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.
Unless he runs for President of the United States.
What's the most likely kind of attack to happen while Donald Trump is President of the United States of America?
A heart attack.
TIL that the United States President Donald Trump sold Norway reverse engineered Roswell F52 Covfefe fighters
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
Best Donald Trump Jokes
Donald Trump is so privileged that the first job he ever had to apply for was president of the United States." –Stephen Colbert
A suspected criminal with a history of threatening violence is under investigation is ranting and raving about a law officer in public is the President of the United States.
Who would win in a table tennis match: the President of the United States of America or the Chairman of the Worker's Party of Korea?
Kim. Jong. Kim. Jong. Kim. Jong. Kim. Jong.
Oh Rosie
It is hard to know the difference between racism that gets you fired versus racism that gets you elected President of the United States.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... calls up the White House...
r**...: I'd like sign me up to be the next President of the United States!
Receptionist: What are you, an idiot?
r**...: I dunno, is that required?
The presidents of the United States by eye color: Blue eye - 26 presidents. Gray eyes-6 presidents. Brown eyes-4 presidents. Hazel eyes-2 presidents.
And 1 black eye.
The first blond became President of the United States
Finally the other blondes understand politics
date: why are u always looking at your phone?
me: sorry. the president of the united states is texting me
The one good thing about President Trump is...
I now truly believe I can become the President of the United States.
What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?
One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.
I only just found out that Harry Truman was a comedian before he became President of the United States.
Apparently he was super successful in the US. But he bombed in Japan.
An American and a Russian are talking
The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
The Russian says, "I can do that too."
"You can?" Replies the American
"Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...
Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.
In a booming voice God said, Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.
Obama asked, Will there ever be another black president?
God replied, Yes. But not during your lifetime.
Trump asked, Will liberals ever think I was a good president?
God said, Yes. But not during your lifetime.
Hillary asked, Will I ever be president of the United States?
God answered, Yes. But not during MY lifetime.
In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;
"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."
Then Donald Trump came and said Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!
I was talking about the presidents of the United States today...
Then it hit me -
Orange is the new Black.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...
But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.
Why do people think Trump is the worst president?
I've never seen a president unite this many people across so many states!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.
While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.
An older Mexican man approaches him and says No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella. (Translated: Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.)
Donald shouts back: Don't you know who I am. I'm Donald Trump, president of the United States of America. How dare you speak to me in that dirty language. You must speak to me in English and show me the respect I deserve!
The man responds, Use two hands, you'll get more.
Don't...don't make me
Doctor: You took a pretty vicious hit to the head, do you know who you are?
Me: Sure
Doctor: Who is the President of the United States?
Me: ...
Doctor: ...
Me: don't...don't make me say it
House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.
Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!