Uproarious President Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
A Russian spy, a s**... predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
President Obama visits the Pentagon...
President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.
A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"
Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
If the next president is white....
That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
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So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....
....Like the words President Bush.
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"
Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.
What happens when you take a joke too far?
The 45th President of the United States of America.
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
Donald Trump is the next President but...
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...
I'm starting to believe him.
Our President Elect is a real tough guy...
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...
but we shouldn't elect them President.
Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.
I did and we do.
Secret Service no longer yells Get down, Mr President any more when the President is under attack
Now they yell Donald, duck
My parents told me ANYONE could become president.
I didn't know it was a warning.
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....
We'll return him back to you.
If Hillary Clinton won she would've been the first F president.
I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I'd love to have one
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that's comparing apples to oranges.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the h**... did you shout Mickey Mouse?
Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
A s**... predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
You have to give President Trump credit
Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.
President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....
A full recovery
Trump might finally get what he wants the most
He might get to be president for the rest of his life.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
In Sweden the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump
but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges
Then Ok!
Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No."
Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*
\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*
Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates: "No."
Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Then ok!"
\*\*Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. \*\*
Dad: "Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."
President: "No!"
Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."
President: "Then OK."
President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.
Solid, liquid and gas.
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?
In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?
His humongous b**... keep getting stuck in the doorway.
Two countries go to war...
Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.
I love politically incorrect jokes, and here is my favourite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
Vladimir Putin visits a school...
He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling The president is an idiot
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say it is i**... to insult President Putin
He says You don't understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting
The police captain says you can't fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is
Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service
Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father
President Biden has called for full legalization of m**...
Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon
Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.
You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes! Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies: Mr President, I gave you three copies.
David Byrne gets elected as U.S. president.
His first act is to issue an executive order to the U.S. Mint.
To stop making cents.
What do Martin Sheen and Donald Trump have in common?
They both played a president on TV
Was Eve the president of Eden?
No, she was the first lady
America vs Russia
An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running his country.''
Did you know only one US president has been born in Missouri?
It's true, man.
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.
Oh yeah? the son retorts. Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.
