President Day Jokes

109 president day jokes and hilarious president day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about president day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short president day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The president day humour may include short presidents day jokes also.

Election Day Drinking Game: Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.
I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.
I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far. He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
What's the best thing about being Joe Biden? Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.
60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for... Coronavirus for president!
Knock knock. Who's there? Trump. Trump who? Exactly. Happy Trumps Not President Anymore Day!
Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day. Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Teach a man to fire and he'll run for president.
We have essentially Elected 4chan for the 45th president of the United States. This is a day that will go down in Infameme.
Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president

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President Day One Liners

Which president day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with president day? I can suggest the ones about president and president obama.

69 more days left in the Trump Presidency. Nice.
Why can't you trust the President? Because he Lysol day.
What do you call the president when he's having a bad day? Donald Grump.
I bumped into president Obama the other day It hurt
Happy President's Day - 2/-25/2017 Get it?
It took Michelle Obama two presidencies to get kids outside... and Nintendo two days.
My son may one day ask me, "Will there ever be a white president?"
I wish I could be smart for one day. Being President every day s**....
"LBJ" was a president... Not a Spanish term for h**... Day activities.

Comical & Quirky President Day Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about president day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean president barack jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make president day pranks.

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen.

He asks her if she would like to play a game.
She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends.
No one knows the answer.
So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

A mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.

Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.
Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"

One day bush went jogging...

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.
The first boy said, Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!
I'll personally hand it to you, said Bush. I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos, the second boy said.
I'll buy them myself and give them to you, said Bush. And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it, said the third boy.
I'll personally … wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!
No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.

Tough choice

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better j**.... I've got a headache."

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan's doctor comes to him and says,"I'm afraid it's Alzheimer's, Mr. President."
Reagan muses this information over then replies,"Well, I always say 'trust, but verify' so verify it to me doctor."
The doctor goes and has extensive tests done on Reagan's brain and even calls in a second doctor for confirmation. After waiting a few days for the results he visits Reagan again.
"Mr. President, I have conclusive evidence that my prior diagnosis was correct.", the doctor says confidently.
"What diagnosis?", Reagan replies confused.
"The one that said you have Alzheimer's.", the doctor said mouth gaping open.
"Oh, well I always say, 'trust, but verify' so..."

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

Have yourself a laugh on my cake day!

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.
"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."
The President nodded his head patriotically.
"There were some losses on our end, however." The aide continued. "We lost a US h**... with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekrit, and 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a crossfire in Baghdad."
The president nodded solemnly with the news of the h**..., but his face was ashen by the end of the sentence, and he buried his face in his hands. The aide looked startled, "Sir, what's the matter."
With scared eyes, the president looked up and mumbled "How many is a brazilian?"

Russian Condoms

One day the president of the largest c**... company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"

Cutbacks.

A joke we tell tourists in china

Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta.
Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant he had no education and spoke no english.
So the chinese officials prepared the old chinese discoverer with a few basic english phrases such as:
"hi, how are you"
"Fine, you?"
"Me too"
The day finally came and, naturally, the old chinese discoverer was nervous to be meeting Clinton. None the less he went through the english he was taught in his head and wasn't going to lose face.
Smiling, Clinton approached the old chinese discoverer and said, "Hello"
The chinese discoverer paused briefly to recall, but out of nervousness mispronounced; "Hi, who are you?"
"I am the President of the United States and the husband of this lovely lady," a surprised Clinton said while pointing at his wife.
"Me too," he replied

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.

Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.
After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.
That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President.
"I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said.
"Aye, nae bother!" said the Scotsman.
"That's an interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?"
"Glasgow," Joe replied.
The President look perplexed. "Glasgow? Sorry, what state is that in?"
"Oh, pretty much the same as New York is now."

The Coolidge effect

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

End of the world

Scientists predict the end of the world, they say that there will be a huge tsunami on earth in 2 weeks. So presidents of all nations are now on tv to speak about it. It starts with Barrack Obama: " My fellow americans, you have now 15 days to spend all of your dollars, so just buy some stuff and enjoy while you can". Vladimir Poutine: "Mother Russia will be devastated in 2 weeks, and there will be nowhere else to live so i decided that you are now all free to speak and express yourself, enjoy it ". Then in Israël, Bibi starts: "We have 15 days to figure out how we're gonna live under water..."

Ronald Reagan's Memory

One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."

The first Jewish president

On his first day in office, he calls his mother.
"Mom, you really have to come out to DC and check out the white house, it is amazing. Rachel and I would love to have you over.
" Out there, with all the g**...? Its too busy for me."
"How's about a weekend at camp david. Its really nice and quiet, and its got a nice Jewish name."
"Alright, I got to go, but I'll discuss with your father." She hangs up with her son and the ladies at her bridge table ask, "so who was that?"
"Oh it was my son" the ladies with excitement squeal "The doctor?"
"No," she sighs. "The other one."

Putin is at a press conference...

Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.
Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes
Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And maybe we will close a 5 billion dollar deal if you put our logo very tiny in a little corner...
Putin: Hmm, I have discuss this
*Putin whispers to his Prime Minister*: Psst, Medvedev, when ends the Aquafresh contract?

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A. Because he couldn't lie.
Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A. Presidentures!
Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
A. Really, really, really old!
Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"
"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."
"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.
The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.
"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "

An ambitious Chinese man named Hoo Ming wanted to run for president. He understood the problems that Americans faced every day and so he wanted to show everyone he planned to solve it by making it his slogan...

Hoo Cares!

One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

The president of a popular mail-order business just died.

The f**... will be held in 3 - 5 business days.

My Mommy, the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."

I was talking to a friend's little girl...

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.

Why can't Brock Turner go to jail?

Because with swim times like his, he might be president some day.

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

One day a feminist will become president...

But when you think about it, it just isn't worth the weight...

Career day is coming up at my school and the president will attend

Thankfully i'm not American

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

Trump's first tweet on his first day as president.

Just visited Area 51. Aliens are real! Government has been lying for too long. Very bad!

Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States
-Eisenhower
-Kennedy
-Johnson
-Nixon
-Ford
-Carter
-Reagan
-Bush
-Clinton
-GW Bush
-Obama
But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire.
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?
Barbara replied, You'd better j**.... I've got a headache.

A day before the elections Hillary tells Bill: "You know, tomorrow there will be two presidents in one bed."

Next day Bill asks Hillary: "So.. do I wait Trump here or should I go over to his place?"

Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."

An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ...

‏An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
‏The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
‏in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
‏The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
‏The American doctor laughs:
"You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President...Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Unfortunately, I don't have the day off from work tomorrow.

Doesn't that make it "not my President's Day"?

Today is Presidents' Day.

However, if all goes according to plan, next year it will be Steve Bannon day.

On President's Day

On President's day, the POTUS steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get 8 more weeks of b**....

Gary Johnson woke up the day after the election...

Gary Johnson: "What happened? Am I president?"
Doctor: Sir, we found you passed out n**... in the desert.
Gary Johnson: Far out man.

A mexican kid walks up to Donald Trump...

And says, "One day I want to be a president like you."
Donald Trump is disgusted and replies, "Are you s**...? Are you r**...? Have you lost your mind?"
The Mexican kid then says, "Actually, I don't want to be president. Those are too many requirements."

Another Trump joke

An american was driving his car until he ended up in a traffic jam.
After a long time of waiting and standing with his car, without moving any further, a policeman appeared and knocked on his window.
"Good day Sir, some terrorists kidnapped the President and will soak him in gasoline and burn him, if the government won't pay them 10 million dollar. We are currently asking the citizens, if they are willing to donate something."
The man took his wallet, looked insinde and asked the policeman:
"Just tell me: how much did the other drivers give?"
"About 20 to 50"
"Dollar?"
"No. Gallons"

Trump and Putin are comparing whose bodyguards are the bravest.

Trump starts, *"Mine are tremendously brave. They're terrific... fantastic... absolutely courageous."*
He gestures to one of his guards, *"Show how brave you are by jumping out of the window."*
The guard obediently stands on the ledge. Before jumping, he tells Trump, *"Please Mr. President, think of my family."*
Trump is reduced to tears, *"You've proven your loyalty. Take the day off."*
It's Putin's turn. Without even the slightest gesture, his bodyguard knows what to do. He stands on the ledge and prepares to jump.
*"That's enough!"*, Trump shouts, *"Climb back down now!"*
The guard replies, *"Please Mr. President, think of my family."*

A Mexican boy meets Donald Trump

The Mexican boy says "One day, I'm going to be President of the United States!"
Donald Trump replied "Are you crazy?" "Are you r**...?" "Are you out of your mind?"
The Mexican boy pauses for a second and says "That's too many requirements for being President."

An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides behind a curtain.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" shouts the teacher.
The kid says, "Deleting Twitter."

Trump parachute joke

Bill gates, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy are on a plane that's about to c**.... There are 3 parachutes.
Everyone agreed that Bill Gates was very important, and the world wouldn't be the same without him. And so, he grabbed a parachute and jumped out.
Donald Trump said that he was the president of the United States, and he claimed that he was very important and "the smartest president there ever will be", so he jumped out as well.
The Pope said to the boy, "I am old, and my days are almost over. Take the last parachute and jump!"
The boy replied, "It's fine, Donald Trump didn't grab a parachute; he grabbed my backpack."

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."

Putin planned a holiday trip to the U.S. for the President's Day weekend sales...

but he cancelled at the last minute when he remembered he'd already bought one.

Honestly, im glad Trump became president, crime dropped his first day on the job.

Real estate fraud worldwide dropped within 24 hours

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "h**... President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

Donald Trump is taking questions from journalists on his last day in office.

One journalist asks him, "President Trump, do you have a final thing to say to the American people as our president?"
Trump then looks into the camera, bows deeply, and yells, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"

President Trump and Pope Francis on a cruise

President Trump and Pope Francis happen to run into each other while on an international cruise. It was quite a windy day out of the sea when the Popes hat flew off the ship and into the sea. President Trump immediately climbs overboard to fetch the Popes hat. In astonishment, the Pope looks overboard to see what just happened. He cannot believe what he sees. President Trump is not swimming, but walking on the water over to his hat. President Trump comes back to the Pope with the hat while he remained dry.
The media the next day came out with the following headline...
BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN NOT SWIM

President Trump is in Israel for the m**... Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the m**... Summit. He gets ill and dies.
The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.
The aides confer and tell the official that they will take the body home.
The official asks why they would do that rather than accept the immense gift of burial in the Holy Land.
The aides reply: A long time ago someone was buried here and arose 3 days later. We can't take that chance.

World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.
Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days." Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!" Merkel looks quite ashamed and shies away, when suddenly a U-Boot surfaces, the hatch opens and the commander looks out: "Heil h**..., we need Diesel!"

A man on death row is given a final wish...

...The man wishes to meet the president before he is executed. The president decides to visit the man before he is executed, and arrives the day before the execution.
The man is visibly distrust, and does not notice the president waiting. After a minute the president is getting annoyed after having to wait for so long. The president proceeds to call out for the man to talk to him
"Pardon you, have some patience."
The president was angered by this and yelled
"Pardon me? Pardon me?? PARDON YOU!"
With this the man thanked him and left.

Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

Marine...

it is ok Marine... some day in the future an American President will travel great distances to honor your sacrifice. Unless of course it's raining.

A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.
"President's Day."
"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.
Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get another year of b**...."

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:
"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so you know it's authentic!"
"Wow, really? How much?"
"$5 a piece."
"I'll take 20!"
Needless to say, he came in with a Washington, and left with a Franklin.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.

The f**... director explains to the President's entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the f**... director and say they prefer to the return the body to the U.S.
Why? asks the confused f**... director, for less than a fraction of the cost you can have him buried in the Holy Land . The diplomats respond, A long time ago another man died and was buried here, and three days later he came back from the dead. That's a risk we simply cannot take.

In these trying times, we all need to put our differences aside and make a special prayer for President Donald Trump. I suggest Psalm 109:8 ...

... "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."