presents Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious presents stories

What are the best Presents puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Presents? Well here is a complete list of Presents to have fun with:

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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This joke has never failed me. EVER. (NSFW)

On the night of Christmas Eve, Santa is busy delivering presents. He comes down the chimney of a house to a beautiful girl (who just turned 18) in a gorgeous nightgown, laying on the couch waiting for him. They talk as he eats cookies and places presents under the tree.

As he leaves for the night, the young woman stands up and asks him, "Santa, can you stay here with me tonight?"
Santa replied, "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta give presents to people I know"

Hearing this the girl removes her nightgown, now in just her bra and panties, and asks "Santa, won't you please stay with me tonight?"
Santa replied, "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta give presents to people I know"

Hearing this, she takes off her undergarments and faces Santa in the nude, asking "Santa please will you stay?"
Santa replied, "hey hey hey, gotta stay gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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The Circumcision Surgeon

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir.

He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them.

A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon.

The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

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Seasonal Star Wars joke

> **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

> **Luke**: How?

> **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents.

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What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for his Birthday?

He felt his presents.

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A rich guy and a poor guy are discussing gifts for their wives...

...and the rich guy says, "I think I'll get her two presents this year, a diamond necklace and a convertible"

"Why two?", asks the poor man.

"That way if she doesn't like the necklace, she can enjoy the convertible as she goes to return it", the rich man answers.

"Hmm...", says the poor man after some thought. "In that case, I'll get my wife two presents this year too; a dildo and some shoes"

"So if she doesn't like the dildo, she can enjoy the shoes as she returns it?" asks the rich man.

"No. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself"

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As it's May 4th, here are two Star Wars jokes.

What is the most popular music on Endor?

Ewok and Roll.

Why did Vader know what Luke had given him for Christmas?

He had felt his presents.

*I'll get my coat*

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A doctor presents some medical students with a cadaver

A doctor presents some medical students with a corpse. He tells them 'It is important to be comfortable with the cadaver'.

He briefly inserts his finger into the naked corpse's anus. He then licks his finger. He instructs the students to do the same. One by one they reluctantly do the same.

After they are done, the doctor says, 'It is important to watch carefully. I inserted my index finger and licked my ring finger.'

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Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas?

Me neither. He couldn't open his presents.

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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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Merry Christmas

Its Christmas Eve and Santa comes down the chimney and sees a hot girl sitting there. She says "Santa, please stay. Santa says " ho ho ho gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the children I know." So she takes off her shirt and pants and says "Santa please stay." Santa says " ho ho ho gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the children I know." So she takes off her bra and panties and says " Santa please stay." Santa says " hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said....

"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"

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A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome

...and call it Touch Downs.

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Christmas Presents

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

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What do you call presents after you've opened them?

Pasts

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Heavenly Christmas

After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something related to Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The man responded, "They're Carol's."

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Christmas Eve and Santa was out delivering presents...

He arrived at a set of three houses, he went down the first chimney, and there was a woman stood their in her bra and knickers, she said "Shag me Santa Clause" he replied with "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the people I know"

So up the chimney he shot, and straight down the seconds, to be greeted by a woman in only her knickers she said "Shag me Santa Clause" he replied with "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the people I know"

So once again he goes up the chimney and down the third, only to find a Completely naked woman, to which she said "Shag me Santa Clause" he replied with "Hey, Hey, Hey, Santa's gotta stay, can't go up the chimney with a Stiffy on the way!"

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My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her"

That's the last time I buy her an orphan

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Luke got Darth Vader a Christmas Present.

Darth Vader: Luke... I know what you got me for Christmas...

Luke: Nooo! No! No!! How could you possibly know?!?!

Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

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Three men were discussing the presents they gave their wives...

Guy 1: I gave my wife something that goes from 0-60 in 4 seconds

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: A brand new Porsche 911

Guy 2: Well I gave my wife something that goes from 0-60 in 3.2 seconds

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: A brand new Ferrari

Guy 3: That's nothing I gave my wife a present that goes from 0-250 in 2 seconds

Guy 2: Wow what?

Guy 3: A weight scale

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A horse enters a deli...

... and says "Give me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."

Without a word, the deli owner, standing behind the counter, gets to work on the grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish.

A while later, she presents him his meal. "Here's your grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."

The horse smiles, accepts the food, and asks her, "I bet you were surprised when you saw a horse enter the deli and order a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."

"Not really," she said. "I like it that way myself."

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Black Santa reached into his bag of presents...

He may have been reaching for a weapon. An officer involved shooting occurred.

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Why do kids in Colorado get more presents?

Because Santa likes their cookies more.

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How did gay santa deliver presents?

He went through the backdoor.

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Santa's Jokes

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

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Presents sucked... [NSFW]

I got a $60 video game for my son, $80 pair of skates for my daughter and a $500 fur coat for my wife. All I got was two sweaters and a piece of ass and they were all two sizes too large.

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Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?

Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty

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A guy buys his wife 2 Xmas presents...

The wife opens the first present...
"Oh, a pair of slippers", she says as she quickly moves on to the second present.
"A vibrator?" she says in shock.
"Yeah", says the husband. "If you don't like the slippers you can go fuck yourself".

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Who delivers presents to the hood?

Crip Cringle.

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How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan was getting for christmas?

He felt his presents.

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Three pollocks are discussing the meaning of Easter

The first pollock says, "Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football.

"No you moron," said the second pollock. "That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree."

"Don't be stupid," said the third pollock. "You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter."

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Why did the rope not get any presents?

Because he was knotty.

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[OC] Al Gore decides to write a series of educational songs about the environment.

He presents the head of the production company with the lyrics for his songs, including the lyrics for one song about animals in forest habitats, which has over 500 lines.

The head of the production company says, "wait, this song is way too long! This isn't a very efficient way of conveying your message."

Al Gore replies, "efficient? Of course it isn't! It's a brute-forest Al Gore rhythm!"

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Two brothers on Christmas day

So there are two brothers, Jimmy and Timmy

They both run down stairs to see what Santa had brought them

The presents are divided into two piles, with Jimmy's pile being larger

Jimmy say, " Haha, my pile is bigger!"

Then Timmy says," Well, atleast I don't have cancer."

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Christmas presents

The Morning of the christmas day two children are unwrapping their presents.
One kid got many great expensive presents. The other, just few shitty ones.
The kid with many presents points with a finger on the other kid and says:

"Ha Ha! I have got much more presents than you!"

"That's right, responds the other kid, but on the other hand i don't have cancer."

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Why does Santa deliver all the presents

Because it's for a good clause

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A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimeny and said....

"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"

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Why didn't the tree get any presents for Christmas?

He was knotty.

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The best part about Christmas when you're a kid is the presents. What's the best part of Christmas when you're an adult?

The pussy

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Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree.

He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties,
She said santa do you wanna stay and play,
He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the kids Ho HO.
So he went to leave again and She said once more,
"Santa dont you want to stay and play" as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexxy g-string,
He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the kids dont you know ho ho,
So he went to leave one last time and the women said again,
"Santa stay and play" and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked,
The most beautiful thing in the world spread eagle,
He said hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my pecker this way!

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Christmas with the family

While I greatly enjoy the presence of their company, I prefer the company of their presents.

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Three guys...

...are discussing the presents they are going to offer their mothers-in-law for Christmas.

First guy says: "I'm going to offer her a ring and gloves, so that if she doesn't like the ring she can hide it with the gloves."

Second guy says: "I'll give her a necklace and a scarf, so if she doesn't like the necklace she can hide it with the scarf"

Third guy says: "As for me I'll offer her earrings and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the earrings she can go fuck herself!"

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says "Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can take it back to the jeweler's in the Mercedes." The rich man then asks his less wealthy chum about the gifts that he's bought. The poor man says "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man is surprised, and asks his friend why he got his wife a dildo, of all things. Without missing a beat, the poor man explains "I got it so that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

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Do you guys like presents?

Here I am!

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So, me and my girlfriend where doing some roleplay.

I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..

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It's Christmas morning and...

Jimmy, 15, and Jeffy, his 6 year old brother, come downstairs to find the tree loaded with presents. Jeffy runs up to the tree and starts ripping the paper off of gifts.

"Oh boy, I got a football! Oh boy, I got a Playstation! Oh boy, I got a new bike! Oh boy, I got an iPad!" Meanwhile, Jimmy finds the one box with his name on it and opens it to find socks and underwear. "Ha ha!" Jeffy laughs, "I got all this cool stuff and all you get is socks and underwear! Ha ha ha!"

"Oh yeah?" Jimmy replies, "Well, at least I don't have *cancer*!"

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How did Darth Vader know what Luke would get for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best presents jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty presents gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these presents jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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