Presents Jokes

What are some Presents jokes?

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

Santa is nearby...

I can sense his presents

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

"Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says...

And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

Seasonal Star Wars joke

> **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

> **Luke**: How?

> **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents.

How does Darth Vader know what he's getting for Christmas?

He feels his presents

(This is my only Christmas joke and I am deeply ashamed of that)

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

Why didn't the rope get any presents this year?

He was very knotty.

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for his Birthday?

He felt his presents.

A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.

The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.

The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!

The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.

As it's May 4th, here are two Star Wars jokes.

What is the most popular music on Endor?

Ewok and Roll.

Why did Vader know what Luke had given him for Christmas?

He had felt his presents.

*I'll get my coat*

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

No one knows, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas

They have sensed our presents

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber battle

Darth Vader says to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"
Luke says "eh?"
Darth Vader says again to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"
Luke says " how would you know that?"
Darth Vader says " I felt your presents"

How did Darth Vader know what Luke had for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas

It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

How did Luke always know what Darth was getting him for Christmas?

He felt his presents...

Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children.

They get their presents from Satan.

Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas?

Me neither. He couldn't open his presents.

Santa's got lot's of things to do, you know.

Santa's placing presents under a Christmas tree when he hears a soft voice behind him, "Santa…"

He turns around and sees a gorgeous woman peeking out of a bedroom doorway.

"Come to bed, Santa"

"Ho! Ho! Ho, gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"

She opens the door the rest of the way, revealing a sheer nightie.

"Oh Santa, come to bed!"

"Ho! Ho! Ho, gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"

With the slightest of movements she slips out of her nightie. As it floats gracefully towards the floor, her absolutely perfect body is revealed.

"Santa… Oh Santa… Come to bed Santa."

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta Stay! Can't get up the chimney this way."

What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Slayer.

What does a slavemaster use to buy his slaves presents?

Mastercard.

Darth Vader is fighting Luke Skywalker...

Darth Vader says to Luke: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke: "How could you possibly know?"
Vader: "I felt your presents."

I went through a grueling and expensive procedure yesterday, having my spine and BOTH testicles removed

Still, the wedding presents were amazing

A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York...

...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers.
Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto?

Maria says "Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-a top! Always Ernesto on top! Why no Maria on top?!"

Ernesto's lawyer looks at Ernesto and asks him if he'd like to explain himself.

Ernesto clears his throat. "Look-a. When we were a-leaving to a-come to this country, my papa takes-a me aside and he says, he says 'Ernesto, no matter whatta you do in America, keep your nose clean, and DON'T SCREW UP!"

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are on an epic fight...

Suddenly, Vader stops swinging. He pulls Luke close to him, and says:

*breathing sounds*

"I know what you are getting for Christmas"

"WHAT?? IT CAN'T BE! HOW?"

*breathing sounds*

"Because I have felt your presents"

Geriatric pick-up lines.

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come

and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having Christmas together...

On Christmas morning when Luke and his father are exchanging gifts. Vader says to Luke I know what you got me. Baffled, Luke asks, how?
Vader then says,
I have felt your presents.

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.

The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.

The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.

"Nope" says Joe.

The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"

"No" says Joe.

The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"







"A puppy."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas

Gloves. Only joking he's not opened his presents yet.

A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome

...and call it Touch Downs.

A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said....

"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

Timmy and Billy compare Christmas presents...

Two 9 year old boys, Timmy and Billy, met after Christmas. Billy asked, "How was your Christmas, Timmy? Did you get any nice presents?"

Timmy's eyes opened wide. "It was amazing!" he said. "I got an Xbox One with all of the games, PLUS a Playstation, a brand new remote control car, a helicopter, an iPad, an iPhone 6, a drone camera, and all the Transformers toys, and a whole bunch of candy and chocolates, a big cake, and a new bike! I got everything I asked for and more."

"Oh my God!" Billy said. "That's so cool. You're so lucky. I didn't get much. I got a new sweater and some puzzles."

"That's too bad," Timmy said. "How come that's all you got?"

Billy looked at his feet. "Because *I* don't have cancer."

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

What did the Jewish Santa say when going down the chimney?

Hey kids! Wanna buy some presents?!

How can you tell Santa has been to your house?

You can feel his presents.

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

(edited for multifariousness.)

What do you call presents after you've opened them?

Pasts

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells the punk. "Didn't you ever do anything wild and rebellious?"

"Oh, for sure, for sure," replies the old man. "Many years ago, I got drunk and made love to a parrot."

"You see?" replies the punk. "So what are you staring at me for?"

"My apologies," the old man answers, "I was actually just wondering if you might not be my son."

What did Darth Vader say to Luke on his birthday?

I know what you're going to get, I felt your presents

What do the wives of Santa's Reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa and the Reindeer are off delivering presents? (NSFW)

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"

 

A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.

 

Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....

 

Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.

 

Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

Heavenly Christmas

After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something related to Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The man responded, "They're Carol's."

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Have yourself a laugh on my cake day!

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."

The President nodded his head patriotically.

"There were some losses on our end, however." The aide continued. "We lost a US hummer with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekrit, and 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a crossfire in Baghdad."

The president nodded solemnly with the news of the hummer, but his face was ashen by the end of the sentence, and he buried his face in his hands. The aide looked startled, "Sir, what's the matter."

With scared eyes, the president looked up and mumbled "How many is a brazilian?"

Why didn't Santa ever bring Captain Nemo any presents?

Because Nemo was always on the Nautilus (Naughty List). My 8 year old came up with that one.

A mother asks her Python programmer son what he wants for Christmas...

He says "I'd like 1 bike please."

So off his mother goes to buy him a bike.

Christmas morning comes, and the boy has opened all of his presents.

"Where's my other bike?!" He screams,

"I asked for 1 you only got me 0?!"

Hey Santa?

Once you're done delivering presents, can I have the naughty list?

I have the greatest dad ever

Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents

I tried wrapping all the presents this year

But I just don't have the gift.

One day Darth Vadar said to Luke Skywalker

I know what you got for your birthday.
Luke looked at him and said "how do you know that?"
Darth Vadar replied "I can feel your presents".

How to make Presents jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Presents to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Presents? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Presents pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes