Present Jokes
188 present jokes and hilarious present puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about present that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will help you bring laughter to any occasion with its selection of present-themed jokes. Explore a variety of jokes related to the present simple, present tense, present perfect, present perfect tense, present moment, present continuous, present time, Christmas present, birthday present, housewarming, birthday, and frankincense. Laugh at funny moments of past and present and learn to appreciate the present time!
Quick Jump To
- Short Present Jokes
- Present One Liners
- Christmas Present Jokes
- Birthday Present Jokes
- Present Time Jokes
- Past Present Future Jokes
- Present Simple Jokes
- More Present Jokes
Funniest Present Short Jokes
Short present jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The present humour may include short presence jokes also.
- A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present? - I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
- My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
- Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
- It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises. Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.
- How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…
- "Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says... And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.
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Present One Liners
Which present one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with present? I can suggest the ones about appeared and existent.
- Santa is nearby... I can sense his presents
- Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...
- So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- What present can you give to the woman who has everything? Antibiotics.
- I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend. Nothing beats a homemade present!
- Why is nostalgia like grammar? We find the present tense and the past perfect
- Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide
- I bought my wife a book on Mindfulness... ... but she didn't appreciate the present.
- I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present Her face really lit up when she opened it.
- Why didn't the rope get any presents this year? He was very knotty.
- What is the worst present for a person with Alzheimer? A boomerang.
- What's the best way to start an underwear presentation? Start with a brief introduction.
- The Past, the future and the present walked into a bar An things got tense
- The Past, The Present, and The Future walk into a bar It was tense.
- The puzzle that I got as a present said 3-5 years I finished it in 20 minutes
Christmas Present Jokes
Here is a list of funny christmas present jokes and even better christmas present puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the handless boy get for Christmas? glove.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present. - To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
- Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten. - A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates. "Oh no..."
"What's wrong"
"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present" - A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th august?
Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son. - How does Darth Vader know what he's getting for Christmas? He feels his presents
(This is my only Christmas joke and I am deeply ashamed of that) - Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it." "And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
- What did the guy without hands get for christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
- I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
- Why are socks a bad Christmas present for Daddy Bear? Because he will always have bare feet.
Birthday Present Jokes
Here is a list of funny birthday present jokes and even better birthday present puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.
- birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.
- Birthday present for my Wife. I have bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her little face light up when she opens it. - My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
- I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier He bought something for my mum.
- What's the best birthday present in the world? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
- I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I'm a fairly modern man But apparently, they don't make a great birthday present.
- Buddhist birthday wishes Forget the past, you cannot change it.
Forget the future, you cannot know it.
Forget the present, I didn't bring you one. - Hey, cool name Thanks, it was a birthday present
- The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."
Present Time Jokes
Here is a list of funny present time jokes and even better present time puns that will make you laugh with friends.
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The next time your boss asks you to start your presentation with a joke... ...attach your payslip on the first slide. - The past, the future, and the present all walked into a bar at the same time. It was tense.
- Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children. They get their presents from Satan.
- Bought my wife a clock for our anniversary Because, there's no present , like the time.
- Billionaire space tourists are like buses … You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time
(Credit : BBC presenter Bill) - When is the best time to open a gift? Right now.
There's no time like the present. - Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment. And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."
- Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar at the same time The encounter was is will be tense.
- I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time. Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.
- Last night was the third time a girl walked out midway a date. Something's still wrong in my PowerPoint presentation.
Past Present Future Jokes
Here is a list of funny past present future jokes and even better past present future puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it. So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense. - The past, present and future walk into a room. It got all tense.
- The Past, The Present, and The Future walk into a bar. The situation was tense.
- The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
- The Past, Present, and Future unexpectedly meet in a bar ... It was a very tense situation!
- The past, present, and future walk into a bar It was tense.
- The past, the present and the future got into a fight. It was pretty intense.
- The past, the present and the future had a meeting. It was tense in there.
- The past, present and future got into a fight Things got pretty tense
- The past, present and the future started fighting. It was in*tense*
Present Simple Jokes
Here is a list of funny present simple jokes and even better present simple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Teacher to Student...? Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Comedy Present Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about present you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make present pranks.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room
He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"
I told my wife she had to buy me a fathers day present.
I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarrage?
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...
...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.
It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell...
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell. He goes up to the chalkboard and draws a period. The teacher then asks "What is so special about a period?" Little Johnny replies "I don't know, but when my sister said she missed hers my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the neighbor shot himself!"
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
I'm your Birthday Present
It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a h**... for his Birthday.
The h**... went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for supersex" she answers.
Jim replies "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll just have the soup."
Comb On!
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I'll never part with it!
I was in the attic the other day...
...and I found a Christmas present that I meant to give to my daughter a year ago.
It's a shame I forgot about it, she always wanted a puppy.
I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.
He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.
A 70 year old man buys his wife a present
For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown
The next day he goes back to the store and returns it
Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it?
70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
For our 25 year anniversary, my wife asked me for a present that goes from 0-200 in seconds.
I got her a bathroom scale.
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve
They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a c**..., so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'
What present did the kid with no hands get?
Gloves.
Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet.
I Gave My Father $100…
I gave my father $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
A dad joke with which we can all sympathize
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."
Some ladies were sitting in a park..
Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.
One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?"
The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
As I unwrapped the c**... I thought to myself...
"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."
I Am Using Your Wife.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
My birthday present from my friendly Lesbian neighbors
So it was my birthday and I'm really good friends with the lesbian couple next door. I told them what I was wanting this year and they ended up giving me a brand new gold Rolex. I was disappointed to say the least.
I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"
What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!
Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas
It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"
"What is it?" The others ask.
"A brand new Mercedes!"
"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of the others.
"What is it?" The first guy asks.
"A brand new Porsche!"
"You guys are pathetic." Said the third guy. "The present I've bought goes from 0 to 100 in half a second!"
"A scale."
My girlfriend walked in on me putting on a c**....
She said, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Wrapping your Christmas present!"
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day..
A bit of an unconventional present, I know!
But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Don't send a noble gas as a make-up present.
They change nothing.
Pigeon Droppings
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
I am a modern man, I don't mind buying tampons.
But apparently, they are not a proper present
I'm getting my wife a new prosthetic leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.
An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...
...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I've bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas
It's not her main present, more of a stocking filler.
I was going to give my family a cat for Christmas,
Unfortunately it died before the 25th... I guess it makes it a future present that passed.
Santa comes to the White House....
Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.
My wife said if I bought her one more s**... present, she would burn it
So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
What did the boy with no hands got for Christmas?
No one knows, he still hasn't unwrap his present.
Why did the man wrap his house in gift wrap?
He was told he'd be happy if he started living in the present.
I am totally not a racist but...
Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.
"Madam, do you want the father to be present during the childbirth?"
"No way! That way, my husband would meet him!"
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
Two brother sit under the christmas tree....
One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.
What's the best present in the world?
A broken drum, you can't beat it!
I Have No Problems Buying Tampons
For my girlfriend, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" birthday present.
Not to brag, but I have a psychic ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
You can say....It's a gift.
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.
Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.
Oh, I don't know, she said. Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
Perspective
The optimist says "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed, "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says, "Yay, I got a yob!"
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
Guys, I need a favor.
I want you to recommend me a present with a cost of 200 bucks to give to my girlfriend.
I also want you to find me a girlfriend to give her the present.
Last thing..
I need 200 bucks.
People said opening my present would be challenging
Turns out it was a piece of cake
