Presence Jokes
56 presence jokes and hilarious presence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about presence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the power of presence of mind! A hilarious collection of jokes and anecdotes about the connection between presence of mind and various humorous situations. From Luke's quips about Darth Vader, to the wisdom of an old wizard, find out which presence of mind joke is your favorite!
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Funniest Presence Short Jokes
Short presence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The presence humour may include short existence jokes also.
- I got an wedding invite that said, We are not accepting any gifts. Your presence on our special day is a gift in itself. Reading it, I realized that I wasn't invited.
- I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"
Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"
Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)" - What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence? An influenzer.
- What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you? Peer pressure.
- Today's my birthday, so if I'm not around much... ...it's because I don't have any presence.
- Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.? There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military
- TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none. He has no moth and he must scream.
- Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is... Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.
- A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while standing up, And woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great presence of mind, the soldier said, "amen"
- A Mexican gentleman attends my synagogue. Whenever we need a quorum for prayers services we can always rely on his presence. He really is Juan in a minyan!
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Presence One Liners
Which presence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with presence? I can suggest the ones about present and appearance.
- What's the best gift a parent can give their child? Presence
- What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake? The presence of a witness.
- How did Darth Vader know what Luke bought him for Christmas? He felt his ...presence
- Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day? Because he had no presence.
...sorry - What did the Buddhist get for Christmas? Presence.
- How did Vader know what he was getting for Father's day? He felt Luke's presence.
- What does Eckhart Tolle get for Christmas? Presence
- My abs are like ghost I can feel their presence but cannot see them
- What did the Buddhist want for his birthday? Presence
- Why was the ghost not invited to the Christmas party?! Because he had no presence!
- Why don't monks celebrate christmas? Because they always have presence.
- What does every Led Zeppelin fan want for Christmas? Presence
- Women are like police In their presence you keep your hands where they can see 'em
- Why Are Young Ladies Like Arrows? Because they are all aquiver in the presence of a beau.
- Chuck Norris doesn't make typos.
Words simply stutter in his presence.
Cheerful Fun Presence Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about presence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean absence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make presence pranks.
I was invited to a party.
Suddenly I f**... when an angry man shouted: "Why do you f**... in presence of my wife?"
I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The Drums Must Not Stop
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.
The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"
The chief replied, "Bass solo."
Bait and switch comparison
Whats the difference between The Lord of the Rings and the Bible? One's a fantasy novel written about a man saving all of humanity from an omniscient evil presence and the other has hobbits.
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
A man with a phobia of old men files a complaint about Santa...
He didn't like his Christmas presence...
If you're sad & lonely
If you're sad, lonely & home alone always watch good horror movie & you will feel someone's presence with you.
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere
Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.
(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning. Along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)
Little Johnny is in Catholic School
The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"
What do young ladies have in common with arrows?
They are all aquiver in the presence of a beau.
A drunk walks into a church...
...during mass and sits down. The priest is bothered by his presence and says to everybody:
\-The drink is a terrible vice, so much so that a drunk man will never reach salvation. If any of you is inebriated, I ask you to stand up.
The drunk man does, looks around to everybody sitted and says:
\-Whelp, I guess it's just the two of us, father.
Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.
He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."
Kevin and Jake had fallen on bad days. Finally, they resorted to theft.
They decided to break into a millionaire's house the following night. Inside the house, Jake accidentally dropped a goblet, which shattered. The noise woke someone up. "Who's there?" the voice demanded. Jake had the presence of mind to reply "meow." After grabbing his fill, Jake slipped out into the darkness, but Kevin was not satisfied. He wanted more. As Kevin searches for more loot, he accidentally knocks a chair over. The voice demanded once again, "Who's there?" "This is another cat," replied Kevin.
A good reputation should be like a good f**...
It should precede before your presence and linger after your absence.
A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast... "My Aunt Emma?" she cried, "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"
Marriage Invitation!
I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."
I read it again and again. Was getting confused...
Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend
I received a wedding invitation.
It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."
After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.
I received a marriage invitation.
In the end it was printed , " We don't want any gifts in the wedding,your presence itself is a gift". I read it again and again, was getting confused. Finally I came to the conclusion that I am not invited and decided not to attend the wedding.
A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because...
... of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years". His wife looked at him aghast. "\*MY\* Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was \*YOUR\* Aunt Emma!"