Presence Jokes

I was invited to a party.
Suddenly I f**... when an angry man shouted: "Why do you f**... in presence of my wife?"
I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Bait and switch comparison

Whats the difference between The Lord of the Rings and the Bible? One's a fantasy novel written about a man saving all of humanity from an omniscient evil presence and the other has hobbits.

A man with a phobia of old men files a complaint about Santa...

He didn't like his Christmas presence...

If you're sad & lonely

If you're sad, lonely & home alone always watch good horror movie & you will feel someone's presence with you.

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.
(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning. Along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

What do young ladies have in common with arrows?

They are all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

A drunk walks into a church...

...during mass and sits down. The priest is bothered by his presence and says to everybody:
\-The drink is a terrible vice, so much so that a drunk man will never reach salvation. If any of you is inebriated, I ask you to stand up.
The drunk man does, looks around to everybody sitted and says:
\-Whelp, I guess it's just the two of us, father.

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

Kevin and Jake had fallen on bad days. Finally, they resorted to theft.

They decided to break into a millionaire's house the following night. Inside the house, Jake accidentally dropped a goblet, which shattered. The noise woke someone up. "Who's there?" the voice demanded. Jake had the presence of mind to reply "meow." After grabbing his fill, Jake slipped out into the darkness, but Kevin was not satisfied. He wanted more. As Kevin searches for more loot, he accidentally knocks a chair over. The voice demanded once again, "Who's there?" "This is another cat," replied Kevin.

A good reputation should be like a good f**...

It should precede before your presence and linger after your absence.

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast... "My Aunt Emma?" she cried, "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"

Marriage Invitation!

I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."
I read it again and again. Was getting confused...
Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend

I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."
After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

I received a marriage invitation.

In the end it was printed , " We don't want any gifts in the wedding,your presence itself is a gift". I read it again and again, was getting confused. Finally I came to the conclusion that I am not invited and decided not to attend the wedding.

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because...

... of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years". His wife looked at him aghast. "\*MY\* Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was \*YOUR\* Aunt Emma!"