The Best 61 Prescription Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Prescription jokes. There are some prescription penicillin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these prescription doctor puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Prescription Jokes and Puns

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

Prescription joke, My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...


A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A guy goes to the doctor and is given a prescription.

"Do I take this with anything?"

"Yeah, your face."

The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A 'cure' for lesbianism.

I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.

"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."

Prescription joke, A 'cure' for lesbianism.

how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?

when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend keeps saying it says dyslexia

You can explore prescription cyanide reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean prescription doc dad jokes. There are also prescription puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time.

Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

My husband's new prescription glasses is not working

He still can't see things my way.

^Credits ^to ^the ^original ^twitter ^post.

Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex....

my girlfriend is convinced that it says dyslexia.

Prescription joke, My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex....

My doctor wrote me a prescription...

It writes dailysex but my girlfriend insists it's dyslexia

What do you call the American president when he's taking his prescription hair-loss medication?


Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"

Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."

Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."

He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole's got my pen!"

Would anyone like some prescription drugs?

Tiger Wood

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

A psycopath goes into a store

He approaches the person at the counter and asks:

-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?

-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

My Doctor just diagnosed me with Affluenza then handed me a prescription that says:

"Take whatever you want, whenever you want."

My psychiatrist told me I have kleptomania.

He said if I give him back his pen, he'll write me a prescription.

A woman goes to a pharmacy.

"I need to buy some cyanide, I'm going to kill my husband," she said to the pharmacist.

Shocked, he replied, "That would be illegal."

"Oh?" she asked. She pulled out her phone and pulled up a picture. "This is my husband in bed with your wife," she stated.

"Oh," the pharmacist replied. "You didn't say you had a prescription."

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex

And my wife is trying to convince me it says dyslexia.

My new family doctor wrote me a prescription

... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.

An American goes to a shop.

And asks for a full automatic rifle, 40.000 bullets and a pack of penicillin.

The shop owner says: I am sorry sir, I canΒ΄t sell you the penicillin without a prescription.

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

"If you don't know the answer, just pick 'c'", they said...

Thanks a lot, everyone, now I have the worst prescription glasses ever

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

A doctor goes to write a prescription, and pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket

"Great, some asshole's got my pen."

So when my friends ask me what my prescription is for my glasses...

I would always say I don't know.
So I asked my dad what my prescription was so now when someone asks me what it is I say,

My dad said my prescription is I don't know.

Where do you get your prescription filled in Italy?

At the Pharmigian

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He's given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"

Before and after glasses

Finally, after procrastinating for yrs, a husband got his prescription glass.

Wife: Honey, you looked handsome before wearing glasses.

Husband: Sweetheart, You too looked beautiful before I got my glasses.

What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

A man walks into a Pharmacy and asks for cyanide

Pharmacist : What do you need it for?

Man : I need to kill my wife.

Pharmacist : Sorry sir, I can't give you cyanide.

Man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a photo of his ugly wife.

Pharmacist blushes and replies : I am sorry sir , I didn't realize you have prescription.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses

When the prescription ran out.

A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over

The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking pot

The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"

"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer

"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls me over"

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend says I'm wrong and it's a prescription for some made up disease: dyslexia

Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20

He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.

The doctor started writing my prescription with his thermometer

He said oh, now I know where my pen is.

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't think those pills helped at all, and worse now everything stinks to high heavens!"

"Good!" he says. "We've unplugged your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."

Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

I've been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can't stop passing gas. Luckily, they're silent and they don't smell at all. Why, you couldn't tell but I've farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I've been here with you.

The doctor pulled out his prescription pad and began writing.

Are these pills to help with my stomach?

The doctor replied, no – your sense of smell.

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists it says Dyslexia.

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.

Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"

Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

Prescription drug recall

The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.

This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!

Why do people pay extra money for prescription cabinets?

All of mine are over the counter...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

A man goes to the chemist's

M: I would like 3 boxes of Xanax, please.

C: Sorry sir, you need a medical prescription for that.

M: I've got a wedding certificate.

C: That will do.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.

She smugly added "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.

My doctor wrote a prescription for daily sex

But my gf says it's dyslexia

Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one.

Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the prescription pharmacy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working prescription druggist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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