Prescription Jokes
73 prescription jokes and hilarious prescription puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prescription that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Prescription Short Jokes
Short prescription jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prescription humour may include short prescribed jokes also.
- My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"... But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".
- My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend keeps saying it says dyslexia
- I asked my dad what he was planning to do today. He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.
- The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses. Life before that is a blur.
- how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia? when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day
- "If you don't know the answer, just pick 'c'", they said... Thanks a lot, everyone, now I have the worst prescription glasses ever
- My psychiatrist told me I have kleptomania. He said if I give him back his pen, he'll write me a prescription.
- I asked my old dad how he was going to spend the day ? "Well firstly your mother and I are going to pick up our prescription glasses, then we'll see !"
- My husband's new prescription glasses is not working He still can't see things my way.
^Credits ^to ^the ^original ^twitter ^post. - My new family doctor wrote me a prescription ... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.
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Prescription One Liners
Which prescription one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prescription? I can suggest the ones about prescribed doctor and medication.
- Would anyone like some prescription drugs? Tiger Wood
- I was walking down the street wearing glasses When the prescription ran out.
- Where do you get your prescription filled in Italy? At the Pharmigian
- Prescription sunglasses are sunglasses with anti theft
- What's the best anti diarrheal prescription? Mycheexarphlexin
- I'm addicted to prescription glasses - Jay London
- Doctor! I think I'm a teepee and a wigwam! Here is a prescription for antipsychotics.
Heartwarming Prescription Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about prescription you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean doctors prescribe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prescription pranks.
Doctors son: "Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success."
Doctor father: "Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly."
Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat;
God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?"
Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "
Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
Doctor joke
Two doctors mortally offend each other and resolve to fight a duel. But they have no clue about the traditional dueling weapons -- swords, pistols, etc. After some thought, they decide to use the most deadly weapon of which each is an undoubted expert: They exchange prescriptions.
Cyanide?
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"
A guy goes to the doctor and is given a prescription.
"Do I take this with anything?"
"Yeah, your face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 'cure' for lesbianism.
I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.
"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the pharmacy...
...and asks: 'Can I have some v**...?'
The pharmacist asks: 'Do you have a prescription?'
'No,' says the man, 'but I do have a picture of my girlfriend.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time.
Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.
Medication
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
My brother wears non-prescription glasses whenever he takes a math test
He says it helps with the vision.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the American president when he's taking his prescription hair-loss medication?
...IM-P.O.T.U.S.
A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
These white supremacists and neo-n**... need new prescription eyeglasses.
So at least something about them is progressive.
A psycopath goes into a store
He approaches the person at the counter and asks:
-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?
-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.
My Doctor just diagnosed me with Affluenza then handed me a prescription that says:
"Take whatever you want, whenever you want."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that w**... is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.
I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for i**... possession.
An American goes to a shop.
And asks for a full automatic rifle, 40.000 bullets and a pack of penicillin.
The shop owner says: I am sorry sir, I can´t sell you the penicillin without a prescription.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription
I said: "Doctor, you've got a r**... thermometer in your hand!"
He replied: "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pen!"
Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title
So when my friends ask me what my prescription is for my glasses...
I would always say I don't know.
So I asked my dad what my prescription was so now when someone asks me what it is I say,
My dad said my prescription is I don't know.
I asked my pharmacist to refill my molesterol prescription today...
He looked at me "molesterol?" I said "yeah, I dont wanna succumb to those little urges Bill Cosby and Kevin Spacey have".
Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.
About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.
Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."
Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my friend if he preferred prescriptive or descriptive linguistics....
...he said, "It's **pro**scriptive".
My doctor finally gave me a prescription for Ambien.
I was so embarrassed admitting I have trouble getting fired for my racist tweets.
My doctor and I decided on prescription Placebex...
To help him make his Lamborghini payment.
Did you hear what the Australian man said to his doctor when he learn he was saying "perscription" rather than "prescription" after all these years?
he said: ya gotta be more pacific mate!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my prescription medications
purchased on the street and inserted anally.
Before and after glasses
Finally, after procrastinating for yrs, a husband got his prescription glass.
Wife: Honey, you looked handsome before wearing glasses.
Husband: Sweetheart, You too looked beautiful before I got my glasses.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Police Officer took my w**..., but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.
I was awarded Joint Custody.
A man walks into a Pharmacy and asks for cyanide
Pharmacist : What do you need it for?
Man : I need to kill my wife.
Pharmacist : Sorry sir, I can't give you cyanide.
Man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a photo of his ugly wife.
Pharmacist blushes and replies : I am sorry sir , I didn't realize you have prescription.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over
The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking p**...
The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"
"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer
"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls me over"
Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20
He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not properly prescripted
- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "l**..." engraved on 'em.
- F*c**... them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!
The doctor started writing my prescription with his thermometer
He said oh, now I know where my pen is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily s**....
She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!
A joke I came up with in my sleep today
A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.
Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"
Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."
Prescription drug recall
The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.
This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!
Why do people pay extra money for prescription cabinets?
All of mine are over the counter...
Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?
Assistant replies: Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.
Pharmacist says: He seems to be fine now.
Assistant replies: Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!
A man goes to the chemist's
M: I would like 3 boxes of Xanax, please.
C: Sorry sir, you need a medical prescription for that.
M: I've got a wedding certificate.
C: That will do.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.
Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one.
Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets to the doctor, f**... over and over...
- Hi doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I can't stop f**.... Luckily it has no smell!
The doctor looks at him, write down a prescription and say:
- Take this for a week and come back.
So the guy does. And returns still f**... to the doctor:
- I took the pills, but I still can't stop f**... and now they are really stinky!
The doctor:
- OK. Now that we took care of your nose, let's look into your f**... problem.
I went to the shop..
.. to buy a gun, 100 bullets and a Tylenol...
I was refused Tylenol without a prescription.
A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.
After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.
The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"
"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested on people."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Prescription
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for? "She says "I want to kill my husband ". He says "Sorry, I can't do that. "She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription... "
Doctors
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a pharmacy.
She asks the pharmacist for cyanide.
Pharmacist: I can't sell you that. It's a deadly poison.
Lady: I know. I want to kill my husband. He's having an affair.
Pharmacist: I don't care. I can't sell you cyanide.
Lady shows him a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed together.
Pharmacist: Oh … you have a prescription.
