Prepare Jokes
97 prepare jokes and hilarious prepare puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prepare that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Prepare Short Jokes
Short prepare jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prepare humour may include short preparation jokes also.
- My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
- What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns? One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'
- President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst.... A full recovery
- My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back - My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school. So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
- Wife Missing My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
- So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong... Killed 'em both.
- Waiter: And how would you like your steak prepared? Me: Guess
Waiter: Medium rare?
Me: Well done
Waiter: Uhhh.. - A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."
- Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
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Prepare One Liners
Which prepare one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prepare? I can suggest the ones about setup and protect.
- Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
- I challenged Death to a pillow fight. I wasn't prepared for the reaper cushions.
- You all heard of alphabet soup! Prepare yourself for... Times New Ramen
- What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab
- Who's the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case
- Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food? Because he's not a cook.
- My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said It depends how it's prepared.
- How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day? Because Russia was Stalin
- How do whales prepare for a party? They orca-nise it.
- What's the best song to sing when preparing your turkey? All About That Baste.
- Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill
- Why don't birds prepare for speeches? They like to wing it.
- How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas? he raps his presents
- What's the first step to preparing American cuisine? Remove packaging and pierce film
- What did the mama llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic? Alpaca lunch
Delightful Fun Prepare Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about prepare you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assemble jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prepare pranks.
After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...
...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.
Food snobs
"May I take your order? " the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? "
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "
My dad's favorite joke.
A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's g**..., you should see him make donuts."
A state trooper knocks on Mr. Smith's door...
"Mr. Smith," The officer goes on, "as you know, we have been searching for your missing wife for the last 10 days. We've put our best men and our most advanced resources into the search. The governor is going to call a press conference this evening to call off the search. I'm here to tell you that you should prepare for the worst."
So, Mr. Smith says, "alright, but you've gotta drive me to Goodwill to buy everything back!"
Engine failure
A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.
After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"
The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.
His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."
The German Dream
A student was listening to his teacher while they prepare to discuss about "The American Dream", the teacher was going around the classroom asking what everyone thought it meant, then the teacher asked the exchange student if they had their own version of "The American Dream" on their country. The German exchange student replied "We did before, but the world didn't like it."
My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school.
So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.
I prepared the chicken earlier.
I said, "Listen, there's no easy way to say this..."
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.
Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.
Have you heard? McDonalds is partnering with Nintendo and Niantic!
Prepare for trouble
And make it a McDouble
A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?"
The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"
With Hanukkah upon us, how does a Jewish man prepare his tea?
Hebrews it.
My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.
So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.
How does Moses prepare his coffee?
Hebrews it.
LPT: How to stop procrastinating
Step one: Prepare to do whatever it is that you need to do
Step two: Do it tomorrow.
This frees you from the work you would have done grudgingly, which decreases the quality anyway.
Airline oneliners
not enough seating, prepare for a beating
My girlfriend has been missing for a week
The police told me to prepare for the worst, so now I have to go down to the goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
The CEO of a big company got abducted...
The abductors released a message through the PA system:
"Prepare ten million by noon or we burn him alive!"
The employees frantically decided to gather, and one proposed to pitch in together in order to help out.
Some pitched in five litres, some pitched in ten.
Why did the German doomsday prepper order an appetizer?
He wanted to prepare for the wurst.
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
Why did the American prepare peach gelato?
To demonstrate her right to freeze peach!
What did the gay planet say after he was done with saturn but still wanted some more?
Prepare Uranus
What did the magician say before he turned his assistant into an ear of corn?
Prepare to be a-maize-d
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
How does a bird prepare to travel?
He pecks his luggage.
I was at a restaurant last night...
and I asked the waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?" And he said "We just tell him the truth, man. This is the end of the line."
The wife has been missing for a week. Police said I should now prepare for the worst....
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back....
How does a twitch streamer prepare for a convention?
He pax
At work, they ask us to prepare for projects using an A through Z list. This week, my boss called me into his office.
He told me that he was irritated by preparations A through G. However, he felt as though preparation h felt good on the hole.
What does a pessimistic German say to his wife before s**...?
Prepare for the wurst.
Celibacy is very important to teach to your kids.
It'll only prepare them for when they're married.
How does an incel prepare for love?
On one hand, they don't.
With the other hand they do.
I wouldn't consider myself a fan of steampunk.
But I will say this, it is undoubtedly the healthiest way to prepare punk.
Lord Williams turns to his butler
Lord Williams turns to his butler: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a f**...."
"But why do you need binoculars?" Asks Jones
"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams
(Long) Crashing Plane
The pilot comes on the intercom and announces "ladies and gentlemen we just lost our engines, we are going down, prepare to c**...."
A woman jumps up screaming "I AM NOT READY TO DIE, I"M STILL A v**..., SOMEONE MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!
A good looking guy gets up, walks to her, and takes off his shirt showing his muscular chest and six pack abs,
He throws it at her and says; " Here, iron this".
Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"
Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"
What does a pirate tell his dog before going away on a long journey?
Arr! Prepare to be boarded!
I wish I had prepared for Alzheimer's when I was a younger man.
If I only know now what I knew then...
A Donkey Was Found Dead In Front of a Church
So the priest did the reasonable thing and called the police chief.
Hey, i would like to report a donkey has been found dead in front of the church
The Chief replies: But father isn't that your specialty? You are knowledgeable on how to clean the body and prepare it for burial, right?
The priest replies: You are correct, but we like to notify the next of kin.
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.
Ordering octopus at a restaurant
A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.
"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the gas."
The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God
"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".
The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".
Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...
He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"
The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I'm not really a fan of steampunk
but I will say, it's one of the healthiest ways to prepare punk.
Step One. Implant a tiny bomb in your head and prepare the detonation button.
What happens next will blow your mind.
A guy asked a waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?"
and the waiter said, "We just flat out tell them that this is the end of the line."
Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call
Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately.
Please prepare the cabin.
Crew: Why, what is happening?
Pilot: Threat of an explosive.
Cew: What? What explosive?!
Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.
A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...
A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"
She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f**...!"
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."
Teaching as a career
A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."
Scattered Ashes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Advice for final exams
A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Wish me luck, I have end of term exams tomorrow," she tells the bartender. "Good luck," the bartender says. "Are you all prepared?" "I've done everything I can think of to prepare. I even texted my ex last night," she says. "I asked him if he had any good cheating tips."
My first patient of the day walked in and began describing her symptoms in graphic detail.
They don't prepare you for this in veterinary school.
A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".
# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."
A guy asked his buddy to teach him how to fish
His buddy then gave him a list and said "Alright, here are some basic things you need, go get them and I'll prepare the boat for our trip."
A week went by and the guy went back to his buddy accompanied by another guy in complete fishing gear.
"Where the heck have you been?" asked his buddy.
"I went to Poland" he said
"What the heck for?!" asked his buddy, bewildered.
"You wrote that I need a fishing pole!"
Prepare to chuckle. Or groan
What did the queen say when a fellow threw some cheese at her?
How dairy!
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle
one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"Nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...
Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"
The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."
The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!
The prisoner shouted "ABOUT..... FACE!"
The officer shouted "FIRE!"
A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum
To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".
When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.
The official approaches the woman and asks: "why aren't you singing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a nurse, not a patient"
Classic Norm McDonald
I wouldn't necessarily call myself a fan of steampunk, but it's certainly the healthiest way to prepare punk.
My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.
I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
A guy asks the waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?
We tell them right up front, you're not going to make it.
Sylvia was wheeled into the operating room.
The surgeon told the nurse, "Please prepare the instruments."
Sylvia glared at him and said, "Here I am at death's door and you want to play music?!?"
A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the n**...
Just as the n**... are about to open fire, the British spy shouts
"Hurricane!"
and all the n**... run, allowing the British spy to escape
Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts
"Typhoon!"
and all the n**... run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape
The n**... return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts
"Fire!"
