Preparation Jokes
45 preparation jokes and hilarious preparation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about preparation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out this collection of jokes about preparing for big events like colonoscopies, weddings, and exams. Learn about the different types of preparation and when you’re ready to announce. Get your funny bone ready to experience a level of awareness that may have been missing.
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Funniest Preparation Short Jokes
Short preparation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The preparation humour may include short getting ready jokes also.
- My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
- What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns? One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'
- President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst.... A full recovery
- Waiter: And how would you like your steak prepared? Me: Guess
Waiter: Medium rare?
Me: Well done
Waiter: Uhhh.. - Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
- I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
- I was at a restaurant last night... and I asked the waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?" And he said "We just tell him the truth, man. This is the end of the line."
- I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks. Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.
- A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?" The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"
- A guy asks the waiter, how do you prepare the chicken? We tell them right up front, you're not going to make it.
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Preparation One Liners
Which preparation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with preparation? I can suggest the ones about prepare and prevention.
- Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
- What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab
- Who's the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case
- Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food? Because he's not a cook.
- My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said It depends how it's prepared.
- How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day? Because Russia was Stalin
- How do whales prepare for a party? They orca-nise it.
- What's the best song to sing when preparing your turkey? All About That Baste.
- Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill
- Why don't birds prepare for speeches? They like to wing it.
- How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas? he raps his presents
- What's the first step to preparing American cuisine? Remove packaging and pierce film
- What does a teacher with a surfboard do at the beach? He prepares for the second wave.
- How do Lions like their meat prepared? Apparently poached.
- How does a twitch streamer prepare for a convention? He pax
Wedding Preparation Jokes
Here is a list of funny wedding preparation jokes and even better wedding preparation puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why people cry during the weddings? ...they are preparing for whats coming afterwards
Preparation H Jokes
Here is a list of funny preparation h jokes and even better preparation h puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How can you tell when you're in a ring of fire? When you reach for the Preparation H and accidentally grab the Ben-Gay
- People who feel the Bern but don't like the sensation have been voting instead for Hillary.... ... or as they like to call her, Preparation H
- What do you call Triple H practicing for a WWE match? Preparation H
- What's the Italian version of Preparation-H? Innuend-O
- Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream ...but at least my a**... smells minty fresh
- I mixed up my preparation H with toothpaste the other day... It was a very unpleasant experience, on the hole.
- Know what stops the Bern? Preparation H!
Cheerful Fun Preparation Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about preparation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean anticipation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make preparation pranks.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money or s**...
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in 'u-n-t' that refers to a woman?
Oh my god! the man thought. I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word. The gentleman thinks for quite a while, then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, I think the word you're looking for is 'Aunt'.
Oh, of course! the Pope exclaims. Do you have an eraser?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...
Killed 'em both.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body
o**... said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
One, day little Johnny asks his father,
"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Two pilots are landing a plane.
Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
