Pregnant Wife Jokes
118 pregnant wife jokes and hilarious pregnant wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pregnant wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pregnant Wife Short Jokes
Short pregnant wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pregnant wife humour may include short pregnant bride jokes also.
- I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not - I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
- Just a Dad Joke Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not - My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot - I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
- I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.
- My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
- After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.
- My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole" I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.
- There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... ...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
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Pregnant Wife One Liners
Which pregnant wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pregnant wife? I can suggest the ones about pregnant woman and pregnant lady.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - My wife told me she's pregnant. So I told her, "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."
- When my wife got pregnant everything changed My name, my address and my phone number
- So it's April 2nd And my wife's still pregnant...
- Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.
- My grandma. - Why does dr pepper come in bottles? So his wife won't get pregnant
- My wife just said "I'm pregnant!" I said "Hi pregnant, I'm dad!"
- Wife: Hon, I'm pregnant Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife: Ummm, actually….. - Why did King Arthur's wife never get pregnant? His pull out game was legendary!
- Why couldn't the Vampire get his wife pregnant? He needs permission to come inside
- *Destruction: 100* Wife: I'm pregnant
Me: Hey pregnant, I'm dad
Wife: No you're not - I have been having a lot more threesomes as of late. Ever since my wife got pregnant.
- Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant!"
Husband: "You're kidding me!" - Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle His wife is already pregnant
- My wife was vehemently prolife. Until she heard the news that my girlfriend is pregnant.
Hilarious Pregnant Wife Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about pregnant wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pregnant mom jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pregnant wife pranks.
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.
Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
Two guys in a village
Two guys in a village are hanging out and one says: Man, I tried the other hole with my wife last night. It was really tight, but awesome. Have you tried it?
His friend says: Oh man, we don't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A guy calls up his wife's doctor...
and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"
The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"
The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"
Farmer tries to breed pigs
A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
After nearly three months of trying...
...my wife just told me that she's pregnant!!
She has the worst stutter ever!
divorce
Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant...
...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
The day my wife found out she was pregnant, everything changed...
My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence.
Vasectomy misunderstanding
She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.
My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more s**... until the baby is born
I asked, "What did your dentist say?"
God, I wish that I'd used a c**... now.
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, God, I wish that I'd used a c**... now.
My wife was aghast and said, What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?
I said, No, I've got his girlfriend pregnant.
My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.
I said, "It's likely w**...-temperature."
"I can still fit into my wedding dress!", my wife bragged.
"That's only because you were 8 months pregnant", I replied.
My wife told me to get a vasectomy to stop her from getting pregnant.
But it turns out it just made our baby black.
Pregnant
Me: "I don't understand how my wife became pregnant. We haven't had s**... for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy. Somebody's obviously had it in for you."
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
My wife's super hot friend was telling me she was having trouble getting pregnant
"I wish I could help" was probably not the appropriate response
I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.
Or at least that's what my mailman said.
I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant...
But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.
I said, Nah, it's probably w**... temperature.
My Wife and I Have...
Been trying to get pregnant for some time now. It's been a very emotional and trying experience. I however I got some good news recently, it seems the problem wasn't on my side. My sister-in-law just told me she was pregnant.
An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn't prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.
It just changes the color of the baby. :(
A doctor tells a man "Your wife is pregnant."
Man: I was wearing a c**...!
Doctor: But I wasn't.
My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a c**... now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"
"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."
My wife is 8 months pregnant, so I want to get a head start on my dad jokes
But I don't want to jump the pun
"I don't think the vasectomy worked", said the r**... to his friend.
"Why, you get yo wife pregnant?" asked the friend.
"Yeah not only that, the baby came out all black."
The wife said she wanted to go and see
the j**... Springer show for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!!
We're on next Wednesday!
After getting a vasectomy a guy complains to his buddy that they don't work since his wife still keeps getting pregnant.
The buddy says "mine didn't work either, it just made the babies come out black"
A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
After months of trying, my wife told me she is finally pregnant
Apparently I'm going to be an uncle.
My wife gave birth the other day.
Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party
. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
After trying for a week, my wife just told me that she is pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
Son: Dad, my wife is pregnant.
Dad: That's great! I'm so proud of you!
Son: Thanks I'm-so-proud-of-you, I'm your son.
Dad: I have trained you well.
A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers
After a while the kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...
She is running out of w**....
Great Easter joke I heard today
**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
Husband stayed home all Easter.
A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she's pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
My best friend passed away recently..
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Wife: Start with the good news!
Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.
Every time we go on holiday the wife gets pregnant..
f**...' takin' her with us next year!
Doctor told my wife "It looks like you are Pregnant"
Wife- "really, I'm pregnant?"
Doctor- "No, it just looks like you are Pregnant"
Wife- "it runs in our family"
Doctor "Nobody runs in your family"
My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.
I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.
How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?
Get his wife pregnant
Wife is pregnant, due any day.
Suddenly the contractions Start.
"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.
Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"
Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..
After a while the first Australian says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, _*"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."
I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn't be able to get pregnant.
I guess it just changes the color of the baby.
John told his wife, "I've got a problem."
She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem." John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning." But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John'', tell me. What's wrong?" John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
Pregnant Wife
My wife has been so moody since she became pregnant. I asked her to push harder and she began yelling and calling me names.
I said, "Let me know if you have a better way to get the car out of the mud."
"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife..
But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when the wife is pregnant,
Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when BOTH are pregnant!
I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born.
Like my name, address, phone number.
Fishing Buddies
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, Nah..."
"I's probably w**... temperature!"
