The Best 89 Pregnant Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Pregnant jokes. There are some pregnant prego jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pregnant pregnant lady puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Pregnant Jokes and Puns

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Pregnant joke, My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, so I started looking for some names...

...in the end I chose Juan Carlos and took the first flight to Spain.


How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

Pregnant joke, Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"

Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in other boxes.

You can explore pregnant womb reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pregnant tummy dad jokes. There are also pregnant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?

"Sea-section"

Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.

My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.

I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"

Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"

Son, did you just-

"Yes"

You're ready.

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

How come Barbie never got pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

Pregnant joke, How come Barbie never got pregnant?

Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?

A man who didn't take it out in time.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby


A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW

Dress her up as an altar boy.

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time

Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

I told my husband I'm pregnant.

He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?

You left it in too long.

"Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!"

"Actually, you're not."

My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

So it's April 2nd

And my wife's still pregnant...

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

"I know what you have been sucking on"

My nephew has a habit of sucking his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that suck their thumbs become fat.

At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been sucking on" in the middle of the store.

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman saidο»Ώ.

I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant...

But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby

"Looks like you're pregnant" says the doctor

-"I'm pregnant?" replies the woman cheerfully
-"No, it just looks like you are"

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn't prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

What do cannibals call pregnant women?

Kinder surprise

Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.

The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.

When my wife got pregnant everything changed

My name, my address and my phone number

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

I know how it feels to grow up without a father!

What do you call a pregnant woman?

A body builder

Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.

Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!

Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can't pull anything out in time!

[Blonde] What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

I love dad jokes

WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

"I'm leaving you!..."

I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!

But honey, what about our child?

What child?!

Oh, so you're not pregnant?

Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad

Wife:No you're not

My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.



The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she's pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

because Ken comes in a different box

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.

So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

My girlfriend told me she's pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

Why aren't pregnant women lonely in Japan?

Because they get to hang out with all the edemames.


You want OC? That's fresh off the dome

Technically speaking

We have all kicked a pregnant woman.

A pregnant lady at the doctors.

Doctor: "Do you wish that the the baby's father be present at the birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not.

Doctor: Oh Why is that?

Patient: He doesn't get along with my husband."

I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born.

Like my name, address, phone number.

Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken cums in another box.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pregnant 3 pregnant women jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pregnant pregnant blondes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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