Pregnancy Jokes

What are some Pregnancy jokes?

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?

Kinder Surprise

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

I was going to type up this joke about pregnancy

but I realized it was all about the delivery

Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:

"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

C sections are like the DiGiorno of pregnancy.

Because it's not delivery.

A woman is pregnant with twins.

A woman is pregnant with twins. During her last month of pregnancy, she falls into a coma. When she wakes up, the doctor tells her that she had a girl and a boy, and that her brother claimed them until she came to. Immediately, she panics at the thought of her brother supervising her newborns.

"What did he name them?" She asks anxiously.

"He named the girl Denise", the doctor says.

That's not too bad, she thought, relieved. "What did he name my son?"

"Denephew."

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, kicking and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.

With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a condom."

I said, "I'm not the only one."

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

Pregnant

Me: "I don't understand how my wife became pregnant. We haven't had sex for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy. Somebody's obviously had it in for you."

Pregnancy is like a black ops mission

They're both expensive to abort.

Two blondes talking...

"I took a pregnancy test the other day..."
"Oh dear, were the questions hard?"

Blonde Joke

Three pregnant women were having brunch together, discussing pregnancy matter, and the subject of the baby's gender came up.


Brunette: My baby's going to be a boy because when my husband and I conceived, I was on top.


Redhead: My baby is going to be a girl because I was on the bottom.


Blonde (bursting into tears): "My baby's going to be a puppy."

Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant..

Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back...

and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"

What do an IUD and an IED have in common?

They both prevent pregnancy.

^I'm ^sorry

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test...

but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

My attempt at a sexy math joke

A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is missionary. After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today."

The other one: "Was it hard?"

A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.

She says "No!"

He doesn't believe her and asks her again.

"Dad, I swear I'm not!"

He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"

Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?

Because its period came too late.

Mom always told me to be positive...

So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test.

Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

Bob Ross wasn't a planned pregnancy

He was a happy little accident

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test

My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

Unless you're a pregnancy test....

Take your negativity elsewhere.

What do you call a faked pregnancy?

A misconception.

How are cancer and pregnancy similar?

They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

Coma Pregnancy

A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a coma she has twins, a boy & a girl.

When she woke up she asked the doctor where her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.

She replied,My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?

"Denise", replied the doctor. That's not so bad.What about the boy?, she asked. "Denephew"

"My wife can't be pregnant!"

A man shouted over the phone to the family doctor. "I've been traveling overseas for the past 10 months!"

"We call that a grudge pregnancy," the doctor said. "Someone had it in for you."

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

"How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?"

She said she didn't see him coming

What's the only positive from living in the ghetto?

Pregnancy tests

Did you know that bus drivers are good for more than driving the bus.

Thanks to them the pregnancy rate in nuns has dropped drastically

Pregnancy

I'm too smart to want children, but not smart enough to make *her* not want 'em.

When it comes to punctuation & pregnancy scares,

periods are better late than never.

What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common?

They can both be ended with a twelve step program

Pregnancy in the 1940's.

(Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho

So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation:

- (my name) i'm pregnant

Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with:

- hi pregnant, i'm dad

- ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and a boy.

16 years later, the first little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"

The mother reassures her daughter and explains the story to her.

The next week, the second little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"

So again, the mother reassures her daughter and explains the story.

The next week, the boy comes in distraught. There are tears running down his face and he is crying hard.

The mother takes a look at him worried and says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet fell out?"

The boy responds "no! I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were in the hospital.

They were there for some pregnancy tests. They began discussing the gender of their babies based on the sexual position they were concieved.
The brunette said, "I am going to have a son because I was at the bottom."
The redhead said, "I am going to have a daughter because I was at the top."
The blonde suddenly began crying. When the other two asked her what was wrong, she said, "I am going to have puppies!"



Disclaimer: This joke was told to me by an old friend and while I'm sure it has been posted here before, I wanted it to be my first post.

What is one positive thing that's actually really negative?

A pregnancy test

what animal has the lowest pregnancy rate?

the pull-out-a-puss

Question about baby expert Dr. Spock

Given that Dr. Benjamin Spock was one of the leading experts in pregnancy and early childhood, having written a famous book (BABY & CHILD CARE) for expecting & new mothers on taking care of their babies...

Would it be correct to call Dr. Spock a Mother-FAQer?

Define contraceptive pill?

It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy!

A heavily pregnant Women and her husband are in a car crash

They both fall into a coma and her twins are removed from the Mother's womb by c-section.
5 months later the Mother wakes up from the coma and sees her brother by her bedside.
Immediately she remembers her pregnancy, 'are my babies ok?' She asks her brother.
'Yes they're absolutely fine, you had a boy and a girl and I have been caring for them' he exclaims.
'Have you named them?' the mother asks,
'Yes the girls name is Denise'
'And the boys?'
'Denephew'

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

If boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider...

and girls go to college to get more knowledge... does that mean that ladies go to hades when they have babies?... this would explain a lot about pregnancy

PREGNANCY TEST!

Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?

Dad: To pass obviously

Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!

How do I confuse people?

buying condoms and pregnancy testing kits together

9 months of pregnancy are the best times to drink

...since you are never drinking alone

A woman brings her items to the resister

A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter

Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests"

Teen pregnancy is horrible...

It creates child labor.

Some women bounce back quickly after pregnancy..

some just bounce

Not sure I heard right but...

My girlfriend plans to avoid pregnancy by having an IED fitted.

There are two types of parents...

The ones who had their child through an accidental pregnancy, and the liars.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book about pregnancy.

The librarian tells him it's in the C-section.

On the First Day of Christmas, my True Love Gave To me....

An unwanted pregnancy.

What do they call an unplanned pregnancy in Germany?

A kinder surprise

Blonde joke (short)

A blonde tells her husband she thinks she's pregnant and sends him off to the store to buy a pregnancy test. As he's leaving she says buy two in case it's twins.

At my school we were great at passing all the tests...

Both pregnancy _and_ paternity tests.

Why does the Nuvaring make pregnancy more unlikely?

It's another hoop to hump through!

When a friend asks you to keep her pregnancy on down low, you say

Mum's the word

Man and Women in Diffrent Combinations

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SEX RESULTS

Sex shouldn't result in pregnancy. If we were perfect beings, sex would have two functions: for pleasure and to complicate friendships.

Michelle Wolf on A Friend's Pregnancy

Michelle Wolf on A Friend's Pregnancy

One of my friends is pregnant. And I'm really excited. Not for the baby but because she's one of my skinniest friends.

The right to life group would like you to abstain from sex while you are under the weather,

Any resulting pregnancy would be ill conceived.

I was having dinner celebrating my wifes pregnancy and she asked "How many vegetables would you like dear?"

I said "One please"
She said " Perfect because I've contracted the Zika virus"

"We all make mistakes"

Quoting your parents during pregnancy.

What do you call an awkward pregnancy?

The elephant In the womb.

How to make Pregnancy jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Pregnancy to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Pregnancy? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Pregnancy pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes