Preg Jokes

Following is our collection of Preg funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Preg jokes

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?

A man who didn't take it out in time.

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?

"Sea-section"

Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature.

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".

"Looks like you're pregnant" says the doctor

-"I'm pregnant?" replies the woman cheerfully
-"No, it just looks like you are"

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

Why do you never see a pregnant plane?

They always go to the hanger.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...

The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so stupid. Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."

"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

Pregnant elephants

What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?

Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.


I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on slave pins and one on replacing firing pins.

A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store...

Out of no where, she starts giggling.

I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."

"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"

She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."

A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....

...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"

The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."

The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."

"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.

"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."

Pregnant Lady on the Train

A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"

Not Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."

What does, Preguntando por un amigo, mean?

Asking for a friend.

The pregnant woman sitting across from me on the train laughed.

I asked her
"What's so funny?"
She smiled and replied.
"My baby just told me something."
I was shocked!
"Really? What did he say!"
She grins.

"Oh you wont get it, it's an inside joke."

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck!"

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...

Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.

13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.

Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."

Three pregnant women

a redhead, brunette, and blonde, are sitting in a Doctors office waiting to find out what sex their babies will be. They start chatting while they wait and the brunette says "I've heard that if the man is on top during conception you will have a boy, so I'm definitely having a son." The redhead responds "Well if that's the case then I'm having a baby girl, because I was on top." The two women then notice that the blonde has started crying, and ask her what is wrong. Between sobs she looks up and says, "I think I'm having a puppy."

What is a pregnant woman to a cannibal?

Kinder Surprise.

My pregnant girlfriend is tired of me joking about giving her an abortion...

So I told her I'd cut it out.

Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.

One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

Why don't you ever see pregnant Barbies in the store?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

What did the pregnant orange see after 9 months?

The fruits of her labor.

A pregnant woman got in a car wreck and went into a coma.

While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.

4 months later she woke up asking where her kids were.

The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.

The woman said "Oh no, not my idiot brother. What did he name my daughter?"

"Denise" the nurse said.

"Oh, that's not bad. What about the boy"

The nurse replied "Da-nephew"

A pregnant woman

A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them"

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise." replied the doctor.

"Wow that's not a bad name. I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more sex until the baby is born

I asked, "What did your dentist say?"

A pregnant lady went into a coma

Months later she wake up, no longer pregnant

"You had twins, a boy and a girl" the nurse exclaims "your brother named them"

"What did he name the girl?" the woman asked

"Denise"

"That's alright, I like Denise, what about the boy?"

"Denephew"

Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and red head are at their obstetrician to find out the sex of their babies.

The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top."

The red head says, "Well that means I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom."

Just then the blonde starts crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" the other two say.

"I'm going to have puppies!"

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

Pregnant

Me: "I don't understand how my wife became pregnant. We haven't had sex for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy. Somebody's obviously had it in for you."

Pregnancy is like a black ops mission

They're both expensive to abort.

Can't get pregnant

Stacy: I have to be very careful, i just can't get pregnant now.

Tiffany: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?

Stacy: Exactly!

What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common?

In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE

A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...

The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went tinkle and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"

So a pregnant woman walks into a diner.

A pregnant woman walks into a diner, and the server says:

"Hi there, are ya hungry?"

The fetus replies:

"Nah, I gestate."

I'm pregnant...

A girl calls her boyfriend nervously. "Jerry, I'm pregnant..." There's a long pause before the boy replies"...hi pregnant, I'm dad." Another awkward paid follows before she replies "Actually..."

a pregnant woman and a blonde woman...

are talking, and the pregnant woman says that she is pregnant with twins. So the blonde woman asks, "Oh my gosh! You cheated on your husband?? Who's the second father?"

How did you get pregnant ?

Well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work

3 pregnant women in a lobby

Three pregnant women in a lobby are knitting. The first one stops and takes a pill. "It's iron" she says "I want my baby to have strong muscles"
They continue knitting except for woman number 3 who is looking confusedly at her knitting.
The second woman stops to take a pill. "It's calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones."
They continue knitting except for the third woman who starts taking fistfuls of pills. The first two women stop and wait for her explanation.
"Oh it's just thalidomide...I don't know how to knit sleeves"

A pregnant woman is in labor

A pregnant woman goes into labor and is rushed into the hospital. While giving birth, she passes out due to the pain. When she wakes up the doctor tells her congrats on her twins. But since she was out cold and they needed to put names on the birth certificates, they had her brother name them.

At this news, the woman is visibly upset. Nooo, she says; my brother is retarded. You can't let him name them.
Tough luck says the doctor. Its already done. Heres your daughter, Denise.

O that's actually a pretty good name says the woman.

And here's your son, denephew.

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

Help! I'm 13 and want to get preggo

.....but my boyfriend wants Ragu.

A pregnant woman got shot by a thief 3 times.

She went to the doctors, and they told her she could have a $45000 operation to get the bullets removed, or the triplets would pee it out when they were older. She was very poor, and decided against the operation.

7 years later, the first kid runs to her and says "Mommy, mommy, a bit of metal came out in my pee-pee last night. " So she says not to worry. Her second kid comes to her a few minutes later and says the same.
When the third kid comes, she says "Was there a bit of metal in your pee-pee last night?"
And the kid says: " No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog. "

What did the pregnant blonde ask at the doctor's office?

...Is it mine?

A pregnant lady is sitting at a bus stop...

A guy walks up and asks, "what are you expecting?"

The girl replies the obvious, "the bus."

The man turns to his friend and whispers, "dude, I think she screwed a transformer!"

Pregnant Woman

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...

...and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies,

"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three Pregnant Ladies are discussing their unborn babies.
The Brunette says "I am having a girl because I was on the bottom when my partner and I conceived"
The Redhead says "I am having a boy as I was on top with my partner"
The Blonde starts crying and the other two ask what is wrong "I am going to be having ten puppies!"

How does a pregnant black woman fight crime?

Abortion

A pregnant lady runs into a hospital

and starts shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!"

One doctor turns to the other and says "Doctor! What's going on?"

The other doctor, with a smirk, says "She's having contractions."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes