Uproarious Predict Jokes to Share with Friends
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze?
Nostrildamus
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Why did the heavy metal rocker become an actuary?
He wanted to be paid to predict death and destruction.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
My prediction for the fight.
I predict Mayweather with a massive right hook and an uppercut to finish it. Then once he's done practicing on his girlfriend, he will lose on points to Manny.
Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...
...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.
What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future?
A four-chin teller.
George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness.
In that regard, he was on the money.
They're predicting record highs for Wednesday.
In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.
Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :
Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium
You can explore predict assassination reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean predict expect dad jokes. There are also predict puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Recent studies have shown that Apple is trailing behind Samsung in innovation
Experts predict that it will take at least another two years for iPhones to bring explosive features to the market.
You know, I predicted every Super Bowl winner since 1996...
the predictions may not have been *correct* but still they were predictions.
What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?
An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.
A wife asks her husband, "what would he do if she died"?
Husband: "I would go insane!"
Wife: "Would you remarry?"
Husband: "I don't know. You can't predict what an insane person would do."
What do climatologists use to predict the global climate?
AlGorerithums
Steps to success:
1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?
Step 1. Predict the Sun will rise in the morning
Step 2. ???
Step 3. Prophet
Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."
"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
I predict a major trend in the years to come...
Young will become the new old
TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.
1) What is your favorite wine?
Past, Future and Present
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
My Great Grandfather managed to predict the extermination of Jews.
Everyone told him to shut up, but he wouldn't. Eventually, the theater had to kick him out of Schindler's List.
I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election
I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?
What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch?
A net prophet.
A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.
It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?
Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!
The funniest but meanest thing I heard a parent say to his kid on her birthday.
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
I think I'm getting better at predicting what people will do.
.
.
.
See? I knew you'd click this post.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
The Quaranteens.
You won't believe how easy it is to predict the future!
All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!
You don't believe me?
See? Exactly what I predicted!
If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future
My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.
What do you call a fat doctor who can predict the weather?
A meaty urologist.
I can predict the future!
You're about to be disappointed.
What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?
A meaty-urologist
birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...
I didn't get you one.
I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:
The lawyers.
Step 1: Travel back in time
Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Prophet
People always say "why weren't we able to predict a disaster as big as the coronavirus?"
But not everyone has 2020 vision.
Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.
The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom
h**... used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...
One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."
How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?
"Do you know what day I'm going to die?"
Of course.
"Well, what day am I going to die?"
Sir, you are going to die on a Jewish holiday.
"Mein gott! That's terrible. What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
Any day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday.
A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to
Absolute naansense
I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters.
Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..
I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...
0-0
MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.
''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''
-''Really? How much?''
''10 Pence per predicted year.''
''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''
''That'll be 5 pence.''
- Herman Finkers
