Preacher Jokes
99 preacher jokes and hilarious preacher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about preacher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny preacher jokes. From jokes about church services to funny religious jokes, we've got a joke for every occasion.
Funniest Preacher Short Jokes
Short preacher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The preacher humour may include short pastor jokes also.
- At church, last sunday …, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"
- A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here" - What's the difference between a preacher and pimples? Pimples come on your face AFTER puberty!
- An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern baptist preacher walk into a bar... they all ask for your vote
- A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
- Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked. "They stole my car" the man replied.
- My sister's band opened for the Manic Street Preachers tonight Before their set, she said "If you tolerate this, the Manic Street Preachers will be next."
- A woman walked into a church wearing slippers and a snuggy and started playing on her phone during the sermon. The preacher called her out for idle worship.
- A preacher, an astronaut, and a cowboy walk into a bar The bartender says What is this, a joke?
- I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England. If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.
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Preacher One Liners
Which preacher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with preacher? I can suggest the ones about preaching priest and priest.
- Forgive me father, priest, preacher, reverend, for I have synonymed.
- How do you scare bees? "Boo-bees!"
Gold from my local preacher - What do you call a 4 foot 1 preacher? A MINIster
- What did the triangle say to the preacher? Forgive me father for I have sin().
- What does a female preacher feed her newborn child?
Pastorized milk. - Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church? A: Lettuce pray!
- My father-in-law is a retired preacher. The put him out to pastor.
- Have you heard about that new movie, "The Homophobic Preacher"? Hasn't come out yet.
- A Preacher and the Devil
- What did the scarecrow preacher say to his congregation Can I get a hay men
- Why did the preacher get wet? The church had a holy roof.
- A religious awakening Is what happens when the preacher gets through preaching.
- Preachers do more than... laypeople.
- What do you call the daughter of a drug addicted preacher? Methany
- Joel Osteen may not be the best preacher... but he is certainly not a false profit
Baptist Preacher Jokes
Here is a list of funny baptist preacher jokes and even better baptist preacher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't Baptist preachers color their hair? They just pray the gray away
The Funniest Preacher Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about preacher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean church pastor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make preacher pranks.
Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck.
A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."
A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
k**... Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux k**....
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux k**.... I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church
The preacher says "We don't allow Higgs Boson particles in here!"
The Higgs Boson particle says "If you don't allow Higgs Boson particles in here, how do you have mass?"
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
A preacher is buying a parrot
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you s**... fool!" screeched the parrot.
What do you call a preacher with an e**...?
A firm believer
Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
Three fetuses were talking about their futures...
"I'm gonna be a doctor when I grow up, and bring babies into the world" said the first one.
"I'm gonna be a preacher, and baptize babies!" said the next.
"I'm gonna be a m**...!" said the last.
"A m**...!" exclaimed the first two. "Why?"
"I'm gonna kill the guy who's poking me in the back every night!"
How'd the preacher catch A.I.D.S. in Africa?
m**... style.
Preacher gets pulled over.
The officer asks for ID, when he says
"what have you had to drink tonight?"
The preacher replies
"Only water, sir."
The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"
The preacher, with a confident retort, says
"d**..., he's done it again."
Preacher
A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.
Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing.
After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears the entire time, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's coming up this Tuesday at the courthouse."
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
Little Johnny was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen." Little Johnny responded.
His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.
"How do you know that"
"Easy," said little Johnny, "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said "four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."
The Lost Bible
One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."
The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged
"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"
"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"
A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a b**... who had begun working near the canal by his farm.
"d**... if you do, dammed if you don't."
A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...
hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.
No one confessed.
But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.
[OC] What do you tell a preacher when they invite you over for spaghetti dinner?
"Pasta pasta, pasta." :)
During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.
One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..
"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"
The whole church came forward except for o**.... Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.
Again the man just sat there.
"Sir," said the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven when you die?
The man replied, "Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now."
Man Request Prayer In Church
Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"
A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"
The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"
So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"
The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.
I went hunting with my preacher.
We went hunting in the same spot together. A deer walked out and we both shot at the same time. Upon inspecting the deer, we couldn't find any bullet holes. I said "It must be yours preacher. The bullet was like your sermons. It went in one ear and out the other!"
A drunken preacher streaked into his own church on Sunday morning.
They chased him around a while, and eventually caught him by the o**....
Apparently I need to listen more in church.
Turns out the preacher wasn't talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the holy spirit.
God Will Save Me
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.
After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.
What's a preachers favorite s**... position?
m**...
The pastor states, Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.
Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, What about p**...? A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, That's easy. And Mary rode Joseph's a**... all the way to Bethlehem!
A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "
"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Little Johnny is walking out after church....
he stops and asks the preacher, "What are all these bricks in the side of the building with names engraved in them?"
The pastor replies, "Those bricks and names are all in remembrance of people who died in the service."
"Oh"' Johnny replies..... "was it the early or late service?"
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
A preacher is warning sinners in the high street
"The end is nigh!" He shouts at passers-by. And a guy shouts back at him "Nigh!!"
This puts him off a bit, but he carries on. "Be warned al you sinners, for the end is nigh!". And again the guy behind him shouts "Nigh!!" even louder.
This carries on all day until the preacher snaps at the guy angrily, "why do you keep repeating me whenever I say nigh?"
And the guy replies, "well, it says in the bible doesn't it, a nigh for a nigh"
In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: what God has joined let no man put asunder. The groom interrupted: what's asunder?
The preacher said apart. The farmer said a part of what? Apart from your wife said the now frustrated minister. The groom said s**...! I already got a part from her.
This is a joke from 1872
A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.
A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.
Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."
Little Suzy had 13 children.
Her husband died and she remarried and had 10 more children.
That husband died and she remarried and had 8 more children.
It was finally time for Suzy to pass away and the preacher was standing at her casket amd said "it's great! they'll finally be together".
o**... says "I wonder what he means? The first husband? The second husband? Or the 3rd husband?
Little Johnny smiled and said "I think he's taking about her legs"
A preacher's wife comes home from shopping with a very expensive dress.
The preacher cringes when he sees the dress. "We're on a budget, remember?"
"I know we're on a budget," replies the wife, "but the devil himself went shopping with me. He convinced me to try on the dress."
The preacher facepalms. "When that happens, you're supposed to say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did. He told me the dress looked even better from the back."
A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.
The rabbi tells the two he's hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.
Shortly later the priest decides he's thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.
The preacher seeing this decides he could go for a snack and a drink, and tries to do the same as the rabbi and priest. As soon as he exits the boat, he immediately plunged into the water.
On land, the rabbi tells the priest maybe we should've told him where the rocks were
A preacher rides into a town in the old west...
As he's riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, "This stallion okay?"
The preacher says, "Yes. We passed through a patch of p**... and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God's good word, to help you worthless, sinful heathens to-"
The Sheriff shakes his head, struggling to hold the animal still, and says "Now before you go preaching to us, why don't you get off your high horse."
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen"
The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got exited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"
Do you want to go to heaven?
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
A minister and his friend in the congregation were fans of rival sports teams.
When they were due to play each other, the two made a gentleman's agreement not to pray for their team.
The minister's team ended up losing quite badly, and he decided to tease his friend about it from the pulpit on Sunday.
"My friends, you know that Doug and I back different teams. We said we wouldn't pray for our team to win, but obviously, Doug cheated," he grinned at his friend and the congregation chuckled.
"Preacher, I didn't do that," Doug shot back. "I just asked God to let the best team win!"
During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.
He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.
When they finished the Precher asked how's my hearing?
I said idk it isn't til next week.
An old man was attending his wife's f**.... The preacher walked up to him and said, "May she rest in peace."
The man replied, "I don't know about her, but I certainly will."
A man said to a preacher, that it was an excellent sermon but it was not original.
The preacher was taken aback.
The man said he had a book at home, containing every word the preacher said.
The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.
This got me
A preacher says to his congregation Next week I will talk about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I'd like all of you to read Mark 17.
The next Sunday, the preacher asks who'd read it, with every hand going up. He smiles and says Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Old joke from my m**... grandpa.
Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. o**..., Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.
"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"
"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny.
"Okay, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, throw down your crutches! And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to your mind!"
The preacher begins some silent prayer, and after a few seconds, he shouts: "Now! Now!"
A thud is heard. "Mr. Thmifth juth fell on the flo"
Preacher finds a receipt for a$250 dress in wife's purse. ..
You know we don't have money for things like this. She said, but you don't understand...the devil was there and kept telling me how great it looks on me. Then he replied, you should have said Get behind me Satan. She said, I did, but he said it looks even better from back there!
A drunk spots a preacher sitting next to a wrecked car in a ditch,
So the drunk pulls over and asks the preacher, "are you ok?", the preacher replied " Yes my son, I'm fine, God was riding with me', and the drunk responded, "Preacher, you better let God ride with me, you're gonna kill him".
