Prays Jokes
56 prays jokes and hilarious prays puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prays that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Prays Short Jokes
Short prays jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prays humour may include short prayed jokes also.
- What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - If the mantises are always praying, what is their religion? It varies, they're all in sects.
- None of my european electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God. Turns out they just needed a higher power.
- What's the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino? They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!
- Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. - What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? The ones in the casinos are serious.
- When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike. But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
- guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible... he said he's an eighth theist
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Prays One Liners
Which prays one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prays? I can suggest the ones about lettuce pray and spray.
- Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion. They're in sects.
- Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars? Elon's Mosque
- Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
- Who do MICE pray to? CHEESUS
- What do noodles say when they finish praying? Ramen
- What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray
- My wife has to be the worst cook ever. In my house we pray after we eat.
- Caesar is dead The Romaine Empire has fallen, Lettuce pray
- How do churches stay so strong? They pray on the weak.
- 'Do you always pray before dinner?' 'No, my mom is a good cook.'
- My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
- Why is religion like mobile gaming? Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.
- What did the praying mantis say after impregnating his wife? Ugh she's going to kill me
- Why do televangelists go to church every Sunday? To pray on the week.
- What did the priest say before eating his salad? "Lettuce pray"
Rib-Tickling Prays Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about prays you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pries jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prays pranks.
A pastor goes hiking
as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
Indian drunk guy
An Indian guy just purchased a bottle of whiskey. And was walking back to home. It was dark and he stumbled upon something and fell on the gound. He felt a little wet near his pocket where he kept the whiskey bottle. He touches the place and prays to god ' Oh God hopefully this is blood'.
A man Is wandering in the desert
He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food down. It is tastier than anything he's ever had before.
He raises his hands to the sky and looks up and is about to give his thanks to God, when he sees......... a l**..., painting the ceiling.
The hungry man in church
A hungry man goes to church and kneels down altar and starts praying. He prays out loud "Lord, please give me food"..and *THWACK* a piece of meat drops before him. The guys was so pleased and happy, he took the meat and off he went.
The second day, he comes back, and prays "Lord, please give me my meal"...and THWACK*. Extremely pleased, the man went home.
He decides to try his luck yet again and gooes back to curch and starts to pray, but it hits him to be suspicious and while he was saying "Lord, please..." He looks up...and sees a l**... painting the ceiling.
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
A priest and Bob goes to golfing..
Everytime Bob misses, he cries "g**..., I missed!"
This disturbs the priest and tells Bob not to use God's name for something so tiny. But still, Bob misses and cries "g**..., I missed!" Priest gets angry and thinks of a plan to stop Bob. He thinks praying to God is the best choice. So he prays :"Oh, mighty god! Stop Bob's idioticy and punish him!" As he says that, a lighthing comes from above and kills the priest. Bob is shocked hears a sound from above so he looks up. "g**..., I missed!"
Hippie and the nun
One day, a hippie enters a bus and sits down beside a nun. He asks her if they want to have s**... but she declines saying: "Jesus is my master and he forbids me to have s**... with you."
The next day, the hippie asks her again but she refuses again. Before he leaves the bus, the busdriver holds him back and tells him that the nun prays every night at a certain church.
Dressed as Jesus the hippie goes to the church and sees the nun. He commanders her:"t**... clothes and have s**... with me, im Jesus your master." The nun does so and after 5 minutes of wild s**... the hippie takes of his costume:" Hahaha nun it's me, the hippie!"
After that, the nun takes off her costume and says:" Hahaha it's me the busdriver"
What does a chef say after he prays before a meal?
Lett-Uce eat!!!!
What does Axl Rose do before he prays?
Gets down on his SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA-KNEES!? KNEES!
A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...
On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.
The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool.
The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.
(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)
a jewish lady and her boy were at the beach...
the boy is swimming in the sea, quite a way out. the mother looks on from the shore. after a while its clear the boy is in trouble. he's struggling to keep his his head above and he goes under.
his mother cannot swim at all so with no other option she drops to her knees and prays to God.
"GOD, Hear me! please help my boy! help my little bubala!"
sure enough the boy raises from the sea, levitating in the air he begins to float to the shore. it is clearly an act of god. the invisible force delivers him right into his mothers arms where he spits up sea water and takes a deep gasp of air...
his mother looks up at the sky and shouts to God:
"Excuse me!! I believe he was wearing a hat, hmm?"
Man Request Prayer In Church
Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"
A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"
The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"
So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"
The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.
Winston goes to church
Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
Same problem
A Jewish guy converts to Christianity. His distraught father prays, "Oh God, my son converted to Christianity! What should I do?"
God says, "You know, I had that same problem..."
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
The Priest and the Tiger
A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.
To his surprise the tiger prays too.
'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'
'Shut up you idiot, I'm just saying grace!' Replies the tiger.
What do you call a hindu who rejects the gods and prays to a slice of bread?
A Naan Believer.
What do you call a Muslim that only prays during the Summer?
Sunni.
Two nuns walking down the road
Two nuns walking down the road and 2 guys suddenly jump infront of them and start r**... them thhe first nun is completly shocked so she prays and say: "forgive them god they don't know what are they doing" seconds after the other says: "Oh this one does".
What do you call a Russian cattle that does not eat bacon and prays five times a day?
A Mos-cow
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...
Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.
Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.
The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.
On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told him where the stones were"
"Like, which stones" shaggy answers...
God in a parking lot
A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!
a miracle
A rabbi walks through a Jewish town and then he spots a fat guy who is eating pork. The rabbi is upset and prays, whishing for the fat guy to be sick from eating this "un-clean" food.
After few minutes the rabbi changes his mind: he realized he was too strict: so he prays, prays very hard to undo his previous prayer.
And lo, there was a miracle: nothing happened to the fat man.
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
A guy prays really hard, and appears in front of God.
God: What do you want ? Ask me anything.
Guy: God how much 1 million years mean to you ?
God: A second.
Guy: God how much 1 million dollars means to you ?
God: A cent.
Guy: I'm not asking much, just give me a cent !
God: why not ? It's at bottom of my pocket, just a sec.
God In The Parking Lot
A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I'll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says Never mind, I found one!
The wish.
One day, a married couple walked into a temple. The preist said "today is a fortunate day for praying, you both pray to god and ask a wish each and it will be granted"
The Wife prays "God, I hope me and my husband stay together for 7 lives"
Husband after listening this, prays "God, may this be the seventh life of us staying together".
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
A man keeps praying to God to please let him win the lottery...
He prays every day for years... and years... and years!! He even got his church to pray for him with diligent prayer warriors.
One day he angrily shouts at God, why won't you hear my effing prayer..!!???
God answers, why don't you go buy an effing ticket..??!!
A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"
A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!
My family always prays before dinner.
If you ever tasted my wife's cooking you'd know why.
A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.
Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."
The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!
"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."
A man is looking for a parking space...
And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."
The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.
"Nevermind, found one."
Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery.
Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery. A week goes by but he doesn't win. The next week, he prays again even harder asking God to help him win the lottery. No dice again though. For a third time, he pulls out all the stops and prays SO d**... HAAAARRDD to win the lottery, but again is rebuffed by God's will.
Guy asks God in his next prayer why he wouldn't help him win the lottery, despite his extremely swole supplication.
God responds to him saying, "Maybe help me out a little here and buy a d**... ticket!"
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..
…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space...
"Lord", he prays, "I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the parking lot. Without hesitation the Irishman says, "Actually nevermind, I have found one."
[Not OC, found a screenshot in my phone I found really hilarious. Original cr
I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...
But when I drive, my sat nav doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.
