Praying Jokes
126 praying jokes and hilarious praying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about praying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your prayers a little more fun with these hilarious praying jokes! From jokes about praying mantis to jokes about the Lord Almighty, these jokes are sure to make you and your friends laugh out loud.
Quick Jump To
- Short Praying Jokes
- Praying One Liners
- Praying Mantis Jokes
- Praying Mantises Jokes
- More Praying Jokes
Funniest Praying Short Jokes
Short praying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The praying humour may include short prayer jokes also.
- What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - If the mantises are always praying, what is their religion? It varies, they're all in sects.
- None of my european electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God. Turns out they just needed a higher power.
- What's the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino? They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!
- Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. - What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? The ones in the casinos are serious.
- When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike. But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
- guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible... he said he's an eighth theist
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Praying One Liners
Which praying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with praying? I can suggest the ones about hoping and wishing.
- Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion. They're in sects.
- Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars? Elon's Mosque
- Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
- Who do MICE pray to? CHEESUS
- What do noodles say when they finish praying? Ramen
- What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray
- My wife has to be the worst cook ever. In my house we pray after we eat.
- Caesar is dead The Romaine Empire has fallen, Lettuce pray
- How do churches stay so strong? They pray on the weak.
- 'Do you always pray before dinner?' 'No, my mom is a good cook.'
- My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
- Why is religion like mobile gaming? Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.
- What did the praying mantis say after impregnating his wife? Ugh she's going to kill me
- Why do televangelists go to church every Sunday? To pray on the week.
- What did the priest say before eating his salad? "Lettuce pray"
Praying Mantis Jokes
Here is a list of funny praying mantis jokes and even better praying mantis puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the Priest of an insect church? A Praying Mantis.
Yes I thought of this joke, no im not sorry. - The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating. It's easier to collect life insurance than child support.
- Attractive. Brainy. Romantic. Faithful. Makes good food. Gives great head. -- Online dating profile of a male praying mantis.
- What foreplay does the praying mantis girlfriend enjoys ? Being given head.
- The female praying mantis... knows how to get ahead in life.
- My praying mantis babies are acting up still. No father figure.
- What is the most religious bug? A praying mantis!
- The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ... the female human stretches it out over a lifetime!
- How to catch a praying mantis? Build a little shrine. After all, they are all insects.
- What do you call a religious bug A Praying Mantis.
Praying Mantises Jokes
Here is a list of funny praying mantises jokes and even better praying mantises puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do praying mantises pray? Because they are in sects.
- Why are the mantises so powerful in combat? Because they pray.
- Female praying mantises bite the male's head off after s**.... My wife does that every other time but s**....
- Why are Praying Mantises the worst at o**... s**...? Only the males give head.
Charming Humor Praying Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about praying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prayers answered jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make praying pranks.
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
Bedside Wife
A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned you."
A man is praying to God...
He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing!", God replies.
"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"
God replies, "Yes, that is true."
The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"In that case, can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."
What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed?
How do you stay faithful in a room full of h**...?
15 years of prayer
So a homeless man starts praying to god everyday for 15 years straight asking to win the lottery at least once. He never misses a day and pleads to god. One day he starts praying when he sees a flash of light and hears god yell "ATLEAST BUY A LOTTERY TICKET IF YOU WANT TO WIN!"
911?
Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."
My friend, Mohammed has been praying in the wrong direction for many years.
I don't know what to Mecca this.
A man is lost in a forrest and encounters a Yeti
Terrified, he screams, "Don't hurt me!"
But the Yeti approaches him closer and closer, bearing its claws.
The man starts praying to God to rescue him.
God comes down and says, "Well, well, well. You never believed in me, why are you praying now?"
Flustered, the man exclaims, "I didn't believe in the Yeti either yet here we are!"
How does praying lead to a b**...?
I don't know, ask an alter boy.
Two nuns are walking through a forest...
...when two men catch them and s**... them n**... before r**... them.
One of the nuns starts praying: "God, please forgive them, as they don't know what they're doing!"
To which the other nun says: "This one does!"
Praying for a parking space..
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.
A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...
... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."
Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.
Two nuns were out walking in the woods
When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started r**... the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.
A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...
The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!
A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...
The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."
The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."
Led Zeppelin obsession
My girlfriend came in with tears in her eyes, saying she prayed and prayed that I would end my obsession with Led Zeppelin.
I told her, "Crying won't help ya. Praying won't do you no good."
After Iran and Saudi Arabia cut ties Iranians stopped praying towards Mecca
... all their prayers are going to go to Spam anyway
The other day a girl asked me if I like b**... or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed p**... with thin lips...
So I got kicked out of KFC.
What do you call it when you talk to God?
Praying.
Now what do you call it when God talks to you?
Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.
My class has a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory
All the other kids are excited, but I am just praying that there's no pop quiz.
Why do entomologists love religious fat guys?
Because they have Praying Mantits
How do you end a prayer to the noodle God?
Ramen.
Why are so many computer scientists atheists?
Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.
A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....
A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"
An elderly couple go to pray ..
When they're done their prayers the husband asks the wife "what were you praying for all this time?" And the wife replies "I was praying that every time we are reincarnated, for a hundred years you should be my husband. What did you pray for dear?" To which the husband replies "I was praying that this be the hundredth year."
A missing Chinese pyromaniac has been located hiding out at a Roman Catholic monastery.
He was found praying with friars.
Three guys are praying in front of the altar...
First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"
Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"
Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".
Give a man religion...
...and he will die praying for a fish
Two people are arguing about whether Jesus is black or white
Two people are arguing about whether Jesus is black or white, so one night they decided to ask him by praying. A voice from above said "I am who I am". The first guy said "well its safe to say that Jesus is white". "But how do you know?" asked the second guy. The first guy replied "well if he was black he would say, "I is who I is"
A b**... was praying to God, and said...
Oh g**...
Prayer before meals
Kid: Give us this day our daily bread.... With ham, egg, cheeze, french fries, salad on the side...
God: hey, kid. Are you praying or taking an order?
I exercise religiously.
I was on the treadmill earlier praying that it would stop.
What does the Japanese Jesus say after praying?
Ramen
I'm Becoming a Hindu
Son : Dad I want to learn about Hinduism
Dad : So are you going to be praying to your mother now?
Son : What are you talking about...
Dad : Hindus worship cows right?
Why don't the mormons just open their own Hospital if praying really works?
Because you can't make money off of prayers.
A kid asked a priest...
"Father, besides praying do you have any other pass-time?"
The priest tapped the kids cheek & calmly replied:
"Nun my child, Nun".
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.
A man was praying to god for money and fame.
Another one comes and sneers at him, 'i always pray for honesty, modesty and other noble qualities in life'.
The man says 'very well mister, one always asks for the things they don't have!'
What does pasta say when it's done praying?
Ramen
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."
I made explosive praying rugs
Prophets are through the roof!
What's The Difference Between People, Who Pray In Temple And People Who Pray In A Casino?
Those praying In Casino Are More Serious.
Of all the victims of Harvey....
....I think I feel the most sorry, for the children who had been praying for a swimming pool.
What do you call a priest with fat pecs?
A praying man-t**...
What do vegans say before praying?
Lettuce pray.
Praying is just like m**....
It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about.
My Jewish grandma told me this one
An Orthodox Jew is praying to god:
"God! I need help, my son converted to Christianity!"
God says: "don't worry, that happens to everyone. Even to me!"
What's the difference between a nun praying in a church, and a nun in the bath?
The nun in the church has hope in her soul, the nun in the bath has soap in her hole
A joke from Israel
o**... is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money to charity, anything. Please help me find parking!". And indeed, in a few seconds he sees a car pull out, vacating a great spot. So he says "Okay forget it, I'm all set".
Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly s**... the life out of her partner over a period of decades.
This process is commonly called marriage.
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'
Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."
God sends his angel to find out what students do.
Angel returns: "Three months before exams. British students study, American students have parties, Russian students also have parties".
Next time angel reports: "One month before exams. British and American students study, Russian students have parties".
Next report: "One night before exams. British and American students learn their subjects, Russian students praying". God: "Well, if they pray, we'll help them!"
What do college students say after praying?
Ramen
The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying
But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic
What does a female praying mantis ask for from a male p**...?
Head. She always wants head.
A catholic priest was praying Saint Anne.
The devil appears: Whazzzzup homie, why you pronounce my name so funny?
A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...
After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..
Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a spot..
Man : OKAY, Nevermind I found one..!!
A plane is about to c**....
The pilot comes out of the cockpit, and solemnly addresses the passengers.
"The plane is going to c**.... There are 286 passengers, but only 285 parachutes. Does anybody know how to pray?"
A minister in the middle row raises his hand.
"Good." The pilot says. "You start praying. The rest of us will take the parachutes."
What do you call religious male b**... that eats it's partner after s**...?
Praying man-t**....
Trump goes to Israel
and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks why take the most expensive solution? The American responds, well another man buried here rose from the dead and we cannot take that chance.
A priest is doing prayers for people.
A man walks up to the priest and askes "Will you please pray for my hearing?"
"Of course", replies the priest, and proceeds to cup his hands over the man's ears and says a prayer.
When he's done praying, the priest askes the man, "Well, how's your hearing now?"
The man replies, "I don't know. It's only on Wednesday."
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
There was this dyslexic who kept accidentally praying to his dog.
One day, he got so frustrated with it that he sold his soul to Santa.
You hear the one about the nun who couldn't stop praying?
I guess it's a force of habit.
The wish.
One day, a married couple walked into a temple. The preist said "today is a fortunate day for praying, you both pray to god and ask a wish each and it will be granted"
The Wife prays "God, I hope me and my husband stay together for 7 lives"
Husband after listening this, prays "God, may this be the seventh life of us staying together".
When you talk to God, you're praying...
When God talks to you, you're a schizophrenic.
A little girl in her Sunday best was running...
A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late." At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!"
So an African pastor is heading to his church Sunday morning
So as he's walking through the jungle he hears growling. He turns around and sees a lion. He starts running and running until he gives up and gets on his knees and starts praying: God please dont let this lion eat me.
The pastor stops praying because he couldn't hear the lion anymore. He turns around and sees the lion on his knees praying. The pastor says hey lion I didnt know you prayed and the lion says im saying Grace
A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.
Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."
Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home.
I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".
Two monks werewere discussing humility.
"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.
The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."
At that moment a janitor passed, holding his mop. Overhearing the conversation, and feeling quite spiritual, he interrupted. "You know what, i am also a nothing."
The monks looked away in disgust. "Who the h**... does he think he is to be a nothing???"
A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.
A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.
The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.
When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"
And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"
