The Best 88 Prayer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Prayer jokes. There are some prayer livin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these prayer byebye puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Prayer Jokes and Puns

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales

Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.

Prayer joke, Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales

A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.

The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.


Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"

Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:

"He had a hat!"

Prayer joke, A Shlep on the Beach

A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.

The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".

The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".

On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.

He screams "Goddammit I missed"

A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.

Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "Goddammit I missed"

Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

A preacher is buying a parrot


"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

You can explore prayer pastor reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean prayer prayers answered dad jokes. There are also prayer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.

Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.

One billion dollars. This is our final offer.

After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.

I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.

An Englishman starts his own business in Afganistan

He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! He is doing quite well! Profits are going through the roof!

I walked into a store today...

...and they were selling explosives disguised as prayer mats. I wasn't one to judge them; after all, they'd said prophets were going through the roof.

An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,

He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"

And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"

The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."

The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."

-Frank De Lima

What do you call it when a prayer is answered?

A coincidence.

Prayer joke, What do you call it when a prayer is answered?

A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan.

He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.

If someone started selling prayer rugs on landmines

prophets would go through the roof!

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.


The pilot said,

"We are having engine trouble. Who here believes in the power of prayer?"

One man rose to his feet and said, "I do!"

The pilot said, "That is good because we are one parachute short."

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!

Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.

I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started.

Explosive Opportunity

A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

A recently married couple...

A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"

Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God?

Ramen.

An Irish Prayer

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan..

making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.

Not only do I have Cancer, MS, Parkinson's Disease, Cystic Fibrosis, and Alzheimer's; I went to the Doctor today and he told me that I have another weird-named disease:

Hypochondria.

Prayers please, every upvote counts as a prayer ^/s

Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing.

After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears the entire time, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's coming up this Tuesday at the courthouse."

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.

He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.

A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

I've been thinking about manufacturing and selling landmines disguised as prayer mats...

...prophets would go through the roof!

Isis have just started making explosive prayer mats

In their first quarterly report they said that prophets were going through the roof.

Potentially offensive Muslim pick-up line [NSFW]

Hey girl, are you prayer? Because I'd love to do you 5 times a day

A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a funeral drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.

His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."

His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married to her for 40 years so I figured I owed her that."

A new type of product !

I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

A prayer

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

Couple in a Restaurant – Joke

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…

As the food was served, Husband said:
The Food looks delicious, let's eat.

Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats

Prophets are though the roof.

What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

Two men are golfing at a local golf course

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.

The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats...

Prophets are through the roof

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

I invented a Prayer Rug weaved with TNT;

prophets are going through the roof.

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"

The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

A man and a woman are in a restaurant...

When their food arrives, the man exclaims Well this looks delicious! Let's eat

But don't we have to say prayer first? Says the woman

Honey, we do that at home. Here the chef knows how to cook

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

(Yes it's old, but I still love it)

Have you heard about the new landmines?

They're disguised as prayer mats and prophets have gone through the roof

The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"

The priest on boards says he can pray.

Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

I just opened an explosive prayer mat business.

Prophets are through the roof.

How does a gay man finish prayer?

Ahhh, men.

I said a prayer the other day but forgot to say the last bit.

It's ok though, amended it

"Ramen."

- Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

Golf Joke

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the men is about to tee off when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He pauses, removes his hat, and bows his head in prayer.

His friend says, Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.

The man shrugs then replies, Yeah, well we *were* married for 35 years.

Prayer has no place in the public schools

just like facts have no place in organized religion

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You have a deal!"

The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

My friend decided to start an industry selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

"Thank you Lord"

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

Isis have developed

isis have developed an explosive prayer mat they are selling like hot cakes.prophets are going through the roof

A young guy gets paired with an elderly man for a round of golf.

The old man lines up to putt on the fourth green, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The old man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and returns to the putt.

After the hole, the young guy says, I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased .

Old guy says, Well, we were married 42 years... least I could do.

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The hand then proceeds drops him.

A priest is doing prayers for people.

A man walks up to the priest and askes "Will you please pray for my hearing?"

"Of course", replies the priest, and proceeds to cup his hands over the man's ears and says a prayer.

When he's done praying, the priest askes the man, "Well, how's your hearing now?"

The man replies, "I don't know. It's only on Wednesday."

I started a company..

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof!

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy my prayer worked.

I used to own a business, where I sold landmines disguised as prayer mats..

The prophets are going through the roof

A year ago today, I was informed via email that 2020 would be the best year ever if I forwarded a prayer to 10 people.

My bad, y'all.

Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

Did you give it back?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

Family Prayer

Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table. Lil Johnny's dad tells him to say the dinner prayer.

Little Johnny says, "Dear God, Thank you for the food we are about to eat, and please, oh please God, send clothesΒ for all those poor ladies on Dad's computer. Amen!"

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!

The case is hereby dismissed!

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served

When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Two friends were out golfing one morning.

One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a funeral processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.

That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.

Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."

What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it.

Always pray in English...

Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."

10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to his house. His wife was aghast and asked the paramedics why they brought him back home?

The paramedics replied, "as soon as we were on our way, he kept shouting hurry home, hurry home, hurry home, so we brought him back..."

A man keeps praying to God to please let him win the lottery...

He prays every day for years... and years... and years!! He even got his church to pray for him with diligent prayer warriors.

One day he angrily shouts at God, why won't you hear my effing prayer..!!???

God answers, why don't you go buy an effing ticket..??!!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the prayer pray jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working prayer preach piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes