Prayed Jokes
71 prayed jokes and hilarious prayed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about prayed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Prayed Short Jokes
Short prayed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The prayed humour may include short praying jokes also.
- What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - If the mantises are always praying, what is their religion? It varies, they're all in sects.
- None of my european electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God. Turns out they just needed a higher power.
- What's the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino? They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!
- Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. - What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? The ones in the casinos are serious.
- When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike. But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
- guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible... he said he's an eighth theist
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Prayed One Liners
Which prayed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with prayed? I can suggest the ones about prays and prayers answered.
- Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion. They're in sects.
- Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars? Elon's Mosque
- Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
- Who do MICE pray to? CHEESUS
- What do noodles say when they finish praying? Ramen
- What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray
- My wife has to be the worst cook ever. In my house we pray after we eat.
- Caesar is dead The Romaine Empire has fallen, Lettuce pray
- How do churches stay so strong? They pray on the weak.
- 'Do you always pray before dinner?' 'No, my mom is a good cook.'
- My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
- Why is religion like mobile gaming? Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.
- What did the praying mantis say after impregnating his wife? Ugh she's going to kill me
- Why do televangelists go to church every Sunday? To pray on the week.
- What did the priest say before eating his salad? "Lettuce pray"
Charming Humor Prayed Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about prayed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean preached jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make prayed pranks.
Little Billy had been blind since birth...
...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."
So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."
So p**... was driving down the street
And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. p**... looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."
A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...
He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
Little Johnny
When I was a boy, I prayed, and prayed, for a bike but never got one. Then I realized that God don't work that way. So I stole a bike, then asked for forgiveness.
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
Adam and Eve were arguing.
On and on, she kept pestering him, asking, "Where have you been all night?"
"Just out walking," Adam insisted as he closed his eyes and prayed for sleep to overtake him.
It seemed like only moments later he was awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
I used to pray for a new bike...
then i found out that's not how god works so I stole one and prayed to be forgiven
I prayed to God for a handbag and he gave it to me
It's a blessing and a purse.
A Jewish man had a son, who converted to Christianity.
The man prayed to God, "Oh Lord, my son has converted to Christianity! What should I do?"
And God replied, "Yours too?"
I prayed to god, and it finally worked!
"Dear god, please ignore this prayer, in your name, amen."
One day a devout, Christian man was walking through the forest...
...when he spotted a lion lurking towards him ready to pounce. So, he got on his knees and began to pray to God, "Please, Lord. Let this lion be a Christian lion, so that he will not eat me." The lion then got on his knees and prayed, "Thank you, God for providing me this dinner...
Preacher
A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.
Back in highschool girls would CONSTANTLY fight over me
Back then, I just prayed they weren't wearing high heels.
When I was little I prayed to God for ridiculous amounts of money when I'm older
I think I should have chosen my words more carefully
Led Zeppelin obsession
My girlfriend came in with tears in her eyes, saying she prayed and prayed that I would end my obsession with Led Zeppelin.
I told her, "Crying won't help ya. Praying won't do you no good."
I prayed to God asking him to give me a good husband.
And the God did. My husband didn't pray - and he has got me to deal with.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.
"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Do you renounce Satan?"
"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"
Blessed Are The Red-n**...
What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.
I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?
I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.
Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..
So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"
I prayed for snow on my wedding...
No snow, but I did get 6 inches on my honeymoon.
Jesus returned to earth...
And stayed anonymous for a while, but eventually a priest discovered who he was. He was discreet, but insisted that he take a solid gold cross. Before he took it, he prayed to his father and said,
"Father, should I accept this gift?"
God replies, "The solid gold cross?"
"Yes."
"What would you do with a solid gold cross? You could hardly carry a wooden one!"
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
I prayed to god to end violence on earth.
He responded to my ticket saying "You shouldn't have rolled on a PvP server"
A pun contest...
A man's newsletter tells him about a pun contest they are holding. The person who submits the best pun will win $10000. The man thinks,
*I could really use that money!*
So he decides he will submit some puns. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. He hoped and prayed that at least one pun would win it for him.
But no pun in ten did.
My wife prayed for snow on our wedding day..
It didn't snow that day but she got 8 inches on the honeymoon. :D
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.
One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
I was going to pray to god for a bike.
But of course god doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Once when I was a teenager
...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school t**...!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
God answers prayers, trust me.
I prayed for a job, a car, and for lots of pretty girls. I now work as a bus driver in an all-girls school.
I prayed for snow on my wedding day
Unfortunately I didn't get any, but i got 8" on my honeymoon.
A woman prayed for snow on her wedding day...
But she didn't get any.
I prayed for snow on my wedding day, but sadly, there wasn't any snow. But on my honeymoon I got 8 inches.
A young m**... on his first term in Africa..
..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.
A Orthodox Jewish man goes to his Rabbi
Man: "Rabbi, what should I do, my son has run off and is hanging around with Shiksen and g**...."
Rabbi: "So, what do you ask me for? I once had a son, he too ran off to hang around with Shiksen and g**...."
Man: "And what did you do about it?"
Rabbi: "I prayed to Hashem."
Man: "And did he give you an answer or advice?"
Rabbi: "He said: What you ask me for? I once had a son...."
Why did the Peeled banana identify as a twin tower?
Because my mom made me brownies last night and she said go to bed after that so then I took a shower and prayed to shrek to r**... me
California prayed for rain
and so the ash rained
You are the answer to my prayers...
You're not what I prayed for. But you're the answer to my prayers.
I was fat
and had a beer belly so big i couldn't see my toes. so i prayed to be able to see my toes again.
i can now proudly say i am the record holder for the largest feet in the world
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
When I was young, I prayed to god, please let me excel in life
Turns out the crazy guy did grant my wish. I excel everyday now
An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"
My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems
God answered his prayers.
My uncle's f**... is next week.
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
A little girl in her Sunday best was running...
A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late." At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!"
Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"
And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"
One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."
The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.
"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush.
"I bought those groceries." "Praise the Lord!" the woman said.
"He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them."
A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.
A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.
The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.
When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"
And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"
When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.
So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.
How to get God to get you whatever you want
There was this new electric bike I wanted when I was a kid. So I prayed to God everyday for it. However, my local priest told me that God forgives but does not give, so the next day, I stole it and asked God to forgive me.
A little boy asked Jesus for a new bike.
He prayed every night.
On the first night, he told Jesus "If you get me a new bike, I will never scream or yell again."
On the second night, he told him "If you get me a new bike, I will be nice to my siblings forever."
On the third night, he told him "If you get me a new bike, I'll do anything you want!"
On the fourth night, the little boy was fed up with Jesus not answering his prayers.
He took a statue of Mary, wrapped it in a blanket, and stuffed it in a closet and locked it. He told Jesus, "If you ever want to see your mother again, you better get me a new bike!"
A man's been driving around a crowded parking lot trying to find a place to park.
"Lord," he prayed, "I can't take this any longer. If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking and go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I found one."
I went to Japan alone and visited a temple
I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.
Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime like I do. Please grant my wish."
I went for a coffee afterwards, when I pay for the bill, I saw that all of the money I offered was back in my wallet.
Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.
Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.
