Praise The Lord Jokes
33 praise the lord jokes and hilarious praise the lord puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about praise the lord that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Praise The Lord Short Jokes
Short praise the lord jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The praise the lord humour may include short praise jokes also.
- Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a booger, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"
- Cop stopped me... Cop stopped me.
Me: A problem, officer?
Cop: what's that bottle?
Me: it's just water, officer
Cop: but this is wine, sir
Me: praise the lord & his miracles. - My mother in law got pulled over Cop asked:whats in the bottle?
She says :water
He says: it looks like wine!
She's: Praise the lord, Jesus did it again! - Yo momma so poor that when she f**... she said clap your hands stomp your feet praise to the lord we have heat.
- Yo momma so poor I f**... in her house and she bowed her head, stomped her feet and praised the lord saying " we got heat".
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Praise The Lord One Liners
Which praise the lord one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with praise the lord? I can suggest the ones about dear lord and god bless.
- Two handicapped men walk into a bar... PRAISE THE LORD!!
- Three disabled people walk into a bar. Praise the Lord!!!
- How to become rich: 1- Drug Lord
2- War Lord
3- Praise the Lord - What did the gay fireman say on 9/11 praise the lord, its raining men
Praise The Lord Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about praise the lord you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean worship jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make praise the lord pranks.
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
A man is pulled over for drunk driving
The cop walks up to his window,
Sir, have you been drunk driving?
No sir! Says the man
What's in that bottle? Says the cop
Just water sir! Says the man
The cop says, Hand it to me and let me see
The man hands him the bottle and the cop says sir this is wine
The man says praise the lord and all his miracles!
A police officer pulls someone over
The officer asks the man "What's in the bottle sir?"
"It's just water!" replies the man.
"Sir this is clearly alcohol." says the police officer, clearly able to smell the contents of the bottle.
The very obviously drunk man begins to shout "Praise the Lord and his miracles!"
Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse.
On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out.
When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord" and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: "AMEN."
The horse stops and Bill says: "Whew! Praise the lord!"
Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"
And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"
One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."
The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.
"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush.
"I bought those groceries." "Praise the Lord!" the woman said.
"He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them."
"A man gets pulled over by a cop..."
As soon as the cop walks up to the window he sees a bottle with wine, and the driver says: "Sir, this is just a bottle of water I bought at the gas station a few miles back."
Cop: "Well I'm quite sure that is red wine you have in there"
Driver: "Praise the Lord its a miracle!"
A man and a woman get married
After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.
As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.
The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.
As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."
Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes
The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, Praise Jesus, today you will walk!
"But... but I'm not paralyzed."
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith
and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"
A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
Intrepid Engineer
A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.
The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.
Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.
Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.
There is a head on collision on a road....
In one car is a Priest and in the other is a Rabbi. As they get out of the cars they realise that neither is even slightly hurt but the cars are totalled.
"Praise the Lord!" says the Priest, "This must be a sign from God that we are to be friends!".
"Indeed it must." agrees the Rabbi.
"And there is a bottle of wine in the boot (US: trunk) of my car that is unbroken. God must wish us to cement our friendship with a drink!"
"Yes, my friend. I agree".
So the priest opens the bottle and hands it to the Rabbi, who takes a large swig. As they sit at the side of the road, talking about their lives, the Rabbi notices that each time he hands the bottle to the Priest he holds it for a few minutes before he hands it back to the Rabbi.
"My friend," he says, "are you not drinking?"
"No," says the Priest, "I'm waiting for the Police"
A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
A religious horse
So, a man decides that he wants to buy a fine horse to get around with and race. He looks around town but can't find one for sale anywhere. At last, he finds an underground shop with a beautiful white horse.
He negotiates the price for the fine steed, but the owner warns him, "This is a special, religious horse. To get her to go, say 'praise the lord!' instead of giddy up. To get her to stop, say "Amen"
So he buys the horse and tests it. He gets on it and forgets what the man said. Then he remembers and says, "Praise the lord!" and it takes off. It runs and runs till he's at the edge of a cliff. He panics and says, "Halt! Stop! " but then remembers and says, "Amen!" and it stops, right on the edge. He says, "Oh, praise the lord..."
A charismatic preacher...
A charismatic preacher at a church invited any members of his flock who had problems to come forward so that prayers could be offered on their behalf. One rather scruffy, down at heel young man approached the pulpit and upon being asked the nature of his problem said, It's my hearing. The preacher then led the congregation in prayer asking for divine intervention to ease this poor man's affliction, accompanied by a chorus of praise the Lords, and Hallelujahs. Following this mass intervention the preacher asked the young man, How's your hearing now? to which he replied, It's not on 'till next Thursday.
Praise The Lord!
Every day a woman walks outside and Yells "Praise The Lord!". Her atheist neighbor always responds "There is no Lord!". One day the woman went outside and said "Lord please send me groceries". The next morning she found bags of groceries on her front porch and said "Praise The Lord!". Then the neighbor jumped out from behind a bush and said "Ha! Your God didn't buy you those groceries I did! There is no Lord!". The woman replied "Praise The Lord! Not only did he send me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them too!"
The Engineer
Towards the end of the French revolution many people lost their heads to the guillotine. One day a politician, a priest, and an engineer were to be executed.
The politician was first. The executioner asked him: "Do you have any last words?" to which the man replied, "I regret nothing." The executioner lowered the man's head into the guillotine and released the blade. It fell swiftly but suddenly jams and stopped just inches from reaching the politician's neck.
There was a rule with these executions where if the blade could not finish its job with one pull of the rope, the condemned were allowed to be released and set free. Upon realizing this the politician cheers in excitement and scampers away.
Up next was the priest - the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" to which the priest replied, "None. God has already saved my immortal soul." The executioner then lowered the priest's head into the guillotine and pulled the lever to release the blade. AGAIN, the blade jams and stops just inches before reaching the priest's neck. After realizing what had just happened, the priest said "Praise the lord, it's a miracle!" and scampered away.
Finally, the engineer was brought up to the guillotine. The executioner said, "Any last words?" to which the engineer replied - "Yes! I think I see what your problem is."
So a man wants to buy a horse...
He sees an add in the paper (this was back when people read newspapers) for a horse. So, he goes to the seller's farm to ride the horse and see if it is a good horse.
"Now, this this horse is special," says the seller. "When you want the horse to go, you have to say 'praise the lord' and when you want the horse to stop you have to say 'amen'." The buyer, not being religious, nods but wonders if this horse is worth it.
So, as he goes to ride the horse, he says "praise the lord." The horse goes, but he wants to go faster, so he says "Praise the lord!". The horse speeds up, but he wants to go even faster, so he yells "PRAISE THE LORD!" and the horse bursts into full gallop. The man then sees a cliff in the distance. He can't remember what to say, but just as he is about to go over, he says "Amen!" and the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes his brow, sighs in relief, and says "praise the lord."
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "I'll be darned." A local pastor heard him and said, "You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "Praise the Lord." The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"