Practical Jokes
71 practical jokes and hilarious practical puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about practical that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides practical jokes for the office that are fun, functional, and appropriate for the workplace. Read on for ideas that are sure to put a smile on your colleagues' faces!
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Funniest Practical Short Jokes
Short practical jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The practical humour may include short realistic jokes also.
- I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke. - Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today! Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
- Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
- I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
- I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me. Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
- Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage. He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.
- Tip for when you are attacked by a bear Play dead.
It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later. - What do me and Rudy Giuliani have in common? Neither of us are allowed to practice law in New York.
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Practical One Liners
Which practical one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with practical? I can suggest the ones about theoretical and helpful.
- Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.
- Prince Andrew didn't kill himself! Sorry, just practicing it
- What religion do ghost practice? Boo-ddhism
- Ghislaine Maxwell did not kill herself Sorry, just practicing
- why are black people so good at basketball? because they practice
- How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
- What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception? Parents.
- My commander told me he didn't see me at camo practice. I said "Thanks."
- I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks It makes me boulder
- Why were kamikaze flyers a bad weapon? Because all the good ones died in practice.
- Don't join dangerous cults Practice safe sects
- Stalin would do well in my math class: He's got a lot of practice solving by elimination.
- What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice? Neck-romance-y.
- How do you get better at spelling? Practiss, practise, practice.
- What type of fighting technique do amputees practice? Partial arts.
Safe Practical Jokes
Here is a list of funny safe practical jokes and even better safe practical puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you avoid stds while in a dangerous cult? By making sure to practice safe sects
- I encountered a courteous, safe driver in a practical vehicle that had a marine corps decal on the rear windshield.
- Please practice safe text. Use a comma & you won't miss a period.
- Practice safe lunch... Use a condiment.
- What's the best way to practice safe eating habits? By using condiments.
- Don't be an ogre. Practice safe shreks.
- Practice safe eating. Use condiments
Just make sure the Mayo doesn't get everywhere.
Be prepared! - What's the most important part of learning to play the saxophone? Practicing safe sax.
- Why should all teenagers get a case for their cell phones? Because they should use protection to practice safe text
Work Practical Jokes
Here is a list of funny work practical jokes and even better work practical puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice... ...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...
- I used to work in a car wash, but I wasn't very productive. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the most practical place for a painter.
- I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing' I mean, do we really need more practice?
I figure we're all pretty good at it by now. - Why was the baker so good with their finances? They had a lot of practice working with dough.
- What do communism and a essay writer who plays no sport have in common? They work on paper, but not in practice.
- Travelling doctors are an interesting idea... ...but they don't work in practice.
- My wife is working so I can just sit here. Sofa so good.
(I've got about 6 months to practice my dad joke material) - I'm a proctologist / gynecologist and my practice is starting to go south as I lose a lot of patients Mostly because I can only practice my ventriloquism at work...
Kids Practical Jokes
Here is a list of funny kids practical jokes and even better kids practical puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Man talking to his wife and asks honey, where did you place the broken condoms? Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice
- Being in the military, my kids are used to moving around a lot. Because I use them for target practice.
- What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.
- Doctors son: "Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success."
Doctor father: "Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly."
Car Practical Jokes
Here is a list of funny car practical jokes and even better car practical puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I egged my mate's car in retaliation for a cruel practical joke he played on me. Now the yolk is on him.
- I finally got such a roof box for the car. I finally got such a roof box for the car. Really practical, I have to say. You hardly hear the children anymore.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Practical Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about practical you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean convenient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make practical pranks.
My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.
He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What religion do they practice in h**...?
Crispianity.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sensei, I've been training for years, and I'm not getting any stronger. What's going on?
Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?
Yes.
Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?
Yes.
Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?
Yes, Sensei.
That's the problem. You keep watching s**... s**... instead of practicing!
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient
"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a b**... is eight...
Three plus seven, that son of a b**... is ten."
Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**... is four.
Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Cross-examination of a coroner
"Did you check the victim's pulse?"
"No, I did not."
"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"
"No, I did not."
"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"
"No, I did not."
"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"
"Well, his brain is in a jar on my desk right now, but for all I know he might be out practicing law somewhere."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"
Two IT techs are at the local gun range.
After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"
The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on b**... on the wall at 3:00 A.M.
It's really disrupting my drumming practice.
Mexican self defense
A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.
Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.
Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.
At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices
Mexican: Judono
Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?
Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a stripper do with her a**hole before she goes to work?
She drops him and his drum kit off at band practice.
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
