Pours Jokes
105 pours jokes and hilarious pours puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pours that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pours Short Jokes
Short pours jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pours humour may include short pouring jokes also.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
- I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream. I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.
- What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He - During my interview today… I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.
Nervous? asked the interviewer.
I simply replied No, I just always give 110% - Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike? Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.
- My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons. He denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.
- When cats are sad... Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."
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Pours One Liners
Which pours one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pours? I can suggest the ones about poured and pouring rain.
- I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
- They might deny pouring glue on my weapons... But I'm sticking to my guns.
- What do you get when you pour red bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.
- I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong.
- Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me How dairy!
- When should you stop pouring milk into the coffee? Before it is too latte
- How do you make a cat go woof Pour petrol on it and set it on fire
- Never pour cereal down the loo. It Kellogg's up your toilet.
- I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine... Got a full night's sleep in 45 minutes.
- What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
- How do you make a cat go woof? You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!
- I hear The Rock gave up drinking He was tired of pouring money down the Dwayne
- What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? a hardened criminal.
- I got stuck in a blender. Pour me...
- I poured her a drink and I said "Say when" She said "After this drink".
Rains Pours Jokes
Here is a list of funny rains pours jokes and even better rains pours puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to an outdoor restaurant last night Total disaster. Poured with rain. Took me 2 hours to finish my soup.
- On a rainy day every one was enjoying the rain but only PETA wasn't Because it was pouring cats & dogs
- Rain is pouring from the ground! Maybe I overreacted... It's just sprinkling...
Regularly Pours Jokes
Here is a list of funny regularly pours jokes and even better regularly pours puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Fun fact about root beer You can turn it into regular beer by pouring it into a square cup.
Quirky and Hilarious Pours Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about pours you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rains jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pours pranks.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
YO momma so n**......
She pours salt water down her pants to keep the c**... fresh.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, etc. The bartender pours two beers and says, "Hey, you guys ought to know your limits."
A pirate walks into a bar...
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
As the bartender pours his drink he asks him why there's a steering wheel in his pants.
The prate replies, "Arrrr it's drivin me nuts."
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
Gimme a triple shot of Jack
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
So a guy walks into a bar...
and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"
Three blondes and a brunette walk into a bar.
The blonde girls explain to the bartender that they've never ordered a shot before, and ask what he recommends. He decides on something exciting for their time with hard liquor, and pours them each a flaming shot. He then turns to the brunette, and asks what she'd like to drink.
"I'll just have a water, thanks."
"You their driver?"
"No, I'm not even with them. I just want to be able to remember this."
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
A student visits his teacher man early in the morning
And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.
"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.
The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.
"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"
"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."
A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
As soon as the bartender pours them out, the man slams them down, one right after the other. Before the bartender can say anything, the man orders ten more shots.
"I don't know, maybe you should slow down," says the bartender.
The man replies, already slurring, "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
The bartender is taken aback and starts to apologize, "Oh I'm so sorry. What do you have?"
And the man says, "About $3."
Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says I'll have some H2O. The second one says, I'll have some H2O too.
The bartender pours them both hydrogen peroxide because he's tired of their b**... every day
10 shots of whiskey please!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
A man walks into bar...
He runs to the bartender and says "Quick! Get me a double brandy before the trouble starts!"
The bartender pours him his drink and the man downs it and says "Quick! Double brandy, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender is confused, but pours him another drink.
The man downs it and says again "Quick! Double brandy, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender asks "Hang on a minute, what's this trouble?"
The man replies "I don't have any money."
Jesus at Last Supper
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*...
Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there
h**..., John Paul II, and Lennon walk into a bar.
h**..., John Paul II, and Lennon walk into a bar.
Lennon says to the bartender, "give me your best shot."
The bartender pours Lennon a shot, and it's dead-on perfect.
John Paul says, "Give me your best shot."
The bartender pours him a shot, and it was decent, but a bit off
h**... says, "Give me your best shot."
The bartender is about to pour it when h**... stops him and says,
"Actually, I'll do it myself."
A man walks into a Jewish bar
And asks the old bartender to pour him a drink.
The old bartender pours it and the man asks:
" Haim, why is it that you never fill up the drinks?"
" That's because I'm old and can't see that well anymore."
" Okay, but why is it that you never pour too much then?"
" Well I'm not blind, am I ?"
Typical
Cat walks into bar and sits at the counter.
Bartender:
"What will you have?"
Cat:
"A shot of whiskey."
(Bartender pours whiskey into shot glass and gives to cat)
Cat slowly pushes the shot glass off the counter.
Cat:
"I'll have another."
DRINKING BUDDIES
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.
The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a b**... today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."
What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?
**An astro-fizzy-t**...**
An infitite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar...
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second, half a pint, the third an quarter and so on. The barman pours 2 pints of beer and says "know your limits".
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German walk into a bar...
... and they all order a drink. The barman pours a glass of beer each for the Frenchman and the German, put provides a plastic cup of beer for the Englishman.
The other two ask him, "Why do we have glasses, and he has a plastic cup?"
The barman replies, "Because he Brexit."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a Jack & Coke
The bartender asks, "Is Pepsi fine?" The man says yes. The bartender then pours Pepsi & Coke in a glass.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders one beer.
The second orders half a beer.
The third orders a quarter of a beer
This pattern continues for a few more, and then the bartender stops them, and pours two beers.
"Why'd you do that?" Asked the first guy.
"Come on guys. I thought you knew your limits." Said the bartender.
Three logicians walk into another bar
The bartender asks: "Does anyone want a drink?"
The first logician says: "Yes!"
The second logician says: "Yes!"
The third logician says: "Yes!"
The bartender pours drinks for all of them.
The second logician says: "I didn't want a drink."
The third logician says: "Neither did I."
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
A guy asks a bartender for a shot
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"
The man replies "about $.50".
An infinite number of mathematics walk into a bar...
The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."
So a woman walks into a bar and says "I'M WALKING INTO A BAR!"
The barman says: "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."
The woman says nothing, but he pours her a free drink anyway.
Why?
Only because he meta before.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".
A priest and a minister were golfing...
...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.
The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"
And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."
Credit to my priest told this joke this morning.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
As the bartender pours his drink, he begins to hear little voices saying nice things to him.
"Great tie, looks nice with those shoes."
"Swell haircut."
He asks the bartender about the voices, and the bartender replies, "Oh. It's the peanuts, they're complimentary."
The president, a business man, and a national security leak walk into a bar...
... and order a drink. The bartender pours one beer and says, "Here you go, Mr Trump."
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of r**...."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...
and then the plot thickens.
A sad and depressed cat walks to a bar
Bartender:what will ya have?
Cat:shot of r**....
(Bartender pours it)
(Cat slowly pushes it off the bar).
Cat:another.
A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....
...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.
A Russian runs into a bar
Quick! Quick he yells at the bartender. A v**... before it starts!
The bartender quickly pours him a shot of v**... which the Russian drinks in one gulp.
Another! Fast before it starts...
The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately.
Hurry hurry another one before it starts...
The bartender asks "how are you going to pay for these?"
The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"
A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him and says "when will you be paying for these?"
The man sighs and says "it started"
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
A group of people of all genders walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...
The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."
A man walks into a bar and a b**... blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.
The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, "Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, h**... $10".
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am".
The man says, "Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger".
Man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him ten shots of whiskey. Bartender says, "Wow, are you sure?" Man replies, "If you had what I have, you'd want ten shots, too." He pours the man his shots and the man takes each one. Bartender says, "Okay, you gotta tell me what it is you've got."
The man replies, "Seventy-five cents."
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.
The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first orders a liter
The second orders a half liter
The third orders a quarter liter
The fourth orders a 1/8th of a liter
The fifth orders a 1/16th of a liter
Eventually the bartender pours 2 liters and says, "you mathematicians. you just don't know your limits."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar. It hurts." So he pours him a drink. So he pours him a drink.
The bartender pours him a beer
A time traveler walks into the bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "you're all idiots" and pours two beers.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a pint. The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter pint. and so on.
The bartender stops them and pours 2 pints and says "Know your limits"
An anti-vaxxer, an anti-masker, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar
The bartender looks up, groans to himself, pours himself a drink and asks "What'll it be Karen?"
A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.
A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the blondy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like c**..., and the last one always makes me sick!"
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.
A guy approaches a beautiful young woman in a short dress at the jukebox.
Wow. Great thong.
She pours her drink on him and walks away.
I'm thorry, was it thomething I thaid??!!
At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...
...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."
Old Mathjoke
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second
one orders half a beer. The third one orders
a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them,
pours two beers and says, "You guys should
know your limits."
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.
Guy walks into a bar completely n**......
except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender Hey man, can I get a beer?
The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says Sir uh... I can't help but notice... you seem to have lost a shoe.
The man replies Nah dude I found one!
a woman walks into a bar and takes a seat across from the female bartender
"I'll take a shot of anything, I'm celebrating taking the Bechdel test."
The bartender pours her a whiskey and says, "think you'll pass?"
"I just did!" she says as she downs the shot.
Guy walks into a bar.
Guy walk into a bar and orders a pint, bartender pours pint and gives to said customer.
The man proceeds to drink the beer as fast as possible. This happens three more times, and the bartender ask everything okay? The guy replied you'll drink like this if you had what I have!
Bartender what do you have .
Guy reply's 25cents
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a pint.
The second orders a half pint.
The third orders a quarter pint.
The bartender sees where this is going, he pours them all two pints of beer and says, "you guys are d**...".
What's the difference between wit and a joke?
A young filmmaker excited to be part of his first film festival is attending a talk between a director and a writer. At the end of the talk he gets up and shouts out, "If I could ask a question, what's the difference between wit and a joke?"
The writer looks at him for a second, picks up his glass of water and pours it on his own head, says
"This, is a joke"
Surprised by the sudden act, the young filmmaker proceeds hesitantly, "And what is wit?"
The writer responds, "Wit is dry".
A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a b**... blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.
He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and h**... $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the h**...?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the bartender, Give me five shots of your best whiskey; quick!
The bartender pours the drinks and the man knocks them all back within seconds.
Why you drinking so fast? asks the perplexed bartender.
You'd drink fast too, if you were me. says the man.
Why, what do you have? asks the bartender.
* A dollar."*
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "sort it out yourselves."
Before the b**... starts
A man comes into a bar and says: "quickly! two beer and two v**... before the b**... starts!" The barman pours the drinks and the man downs them quickly one after the other.
"Quickly! two more beer and v**... before the b**... starts!" the barman pours the drinks and the man thows them back like there is no tomorrow
"Quick! Two **more** beer and two v**... before the b**... starts!"
"Do you have the money to pay for this?"
"Look the b**... starts already!"
A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...
...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,
"What beer is this? Who makes it?"
The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."
The bartender replies, "Anheuser-Busch."
The husband looks at the bartender with a stern confusion and shouts,
"She waxes, but that's not any of your business! But seriously, who makes this beer?"
An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, Why did you do that?
the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like c**..., and the last one always makes me sick!
Young man in a bar
Asks the bartender for "6 shots of Jager."
The bartender happily pours the shots and asks, "are you celebrating anything?"
The young man responds, "yeah my first b**...." Excited the bartender pours a 7th shot and says, "here have one on the house."
The young man shakes his head and says, "no thanks, if 6 doesn't get rid of the taste nothing will."
what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?
A pen is.
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The man says, "You'd drink this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender, now curious, asks, "What do you have?"
The man pauses, then replies, "75 cents."
An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.
He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.
He then picks it up and drops it into the whiskey, where it struggles and soon dies.
He asks the participants what does this show us?
Bubba Joe stands up at the back of the crowd and exclaims If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!
Another Math Joke
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders a half a beer. The third? A fourth of a beer.
The bartender pours two pints, places them on the bar in front of them and says, "You all really need to know your limits."
